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Original poster

I think my parents are very unfair about him

106 replies

Cyrodillian · 25/10/2026 16:31

This is complicated and I somewhat understand my parents' reluctance to accept my new (rekindled) relationship, but I also think that they are very unfair.
My former foster brother and I have found each other again, and have started seeing each other. He only stayed with my family for a few years when we were both young and we developed a pretty strong sort of relationship back then. Once my parents realised he was removed and it was obviously very upsetting for both of us, and also for my parents.

I was mad at them for ages back then but as an adult I totally understand that this was the only right thing for them to do. But I find their attitude very offensive. Since then they have maintained that he was abusive and led me astray etc etc etc, which simply isn't true. We were both children, about the same age, there was no age or power imbalance. I spent some time thinking about this as I went through therapy for a different issue, and I genuinely don't believe that he did anything bad or that he "corrupted" me in any way.

It was very upsetting when it all came to an end I know that he suffered more than me as he was uprooted again and ran away trying to come back a few times until it stopped. When we reconnected he told me that he had sent me letters but that he never got a response and stopped after a while. I asked my parents about this and they confirmed that I had gotten letters but that they had thrown them away to let me move on.

We're both adults now, and the situation is obviously completely different, but my parents were abhorred when I told them that we had taken up contact again, and they keep bringing up these abuse and violence allegations and other stuff, and I got really mad at them earlier but I also feel guilty now.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 26/10/2026 18:44

This is that film, the trailer gives a sense of it - again this guy is older but it's still relevant, the girl's angle on herself and the relationship and it's lasting effect as an adult which all needs excavating: www.imdb.com/title/tt4015500/

Squirrelthethird · 26/10/2026 18:58

How are people holding the children (both underage) responsible here, but nor the adults? And this goes for both social services and the parents. I suspect that the OP's parents feel a huge level of guilt and shame which is driving their rejection of the current situation.

Hedgehogforshort · 26/10/2026 18:59

@Cyrodillian I think you need to consider that once it transpired that this foster boy was engaged in sexual activity with you, a very young teenager daughter, that they would have had no choice but to inform his social worker, who in turn was legally obliged to remove him and place him elsewhere.

Given the boys and your ages respectively then the police and social services may have decided at the time to take no further action, as regards a prosecution of this boy.

your parents would have been very shocked and traumatised by what happened and full of guilt.

I am not going to tell you how you ought to feel about what happened, and your current choices, but you need to understand that you are revisiting an upsetting experience upon your parents.

so no surprises to me that they are unhappy.

Wynter25 · 26/10/2026 19:04

Dont blame your parents tbh

pinkdelight · 26/10/2026 19:22

Squirrelthethird · 26/10/2026 18:58

How are people holding the children (both underage) responsible here, but nor the adults? And this goes for both social services and the parents. I suspect that the OP's parents feel a huge level of guilt and shame which is driving their rejection of the current situation.

Because it’s not about that and it’s obviously a complicated situation, but the main concern is for the OP now and then. It’s not really for us to get into what the parents did or didn’t do but clearly it was dealt with as soon as they knew. Beyond that it’s a matter for the people involved and professional help if they need it.

winter8090 · 26/10/2026 19:32

MarilynMerlot · 26/10/2026 08:28

It’s extremely relevant, a child cannot consent. You need help.

They were both children.

I do think there’s an element of parental guilt here. This should never have been able to happen.

JuliaAgrippina · 26/10/2026 19:36

Squirrelthethird · 26/10/2026 18:58

How are people holding the children (both underage) responsible here, but nor the adults? And this goes for both social services and the parents. I suspect that the OP's parents feel a huge level of guilt and shame which is driving their rejection of the current situation.

This - OP says she in her 30s.

Though why have you told them anything about if if you do not know if the realtionship is going anywhere? It was probably always going to be a touchy subject with them as it was a huge misstep on their part to your safety.

Ponderingwindow · 26/10/2026 19:38

Even just a random 14 year old with a 12 year old would infuriate most parents. It’s not an acceptable age difference when the participants are that young.

I really doubt they will ever forgive him. Even at 14 he should have known better than to target a 12 year old.

BigBadPotato · 26/10/2026 19:46

Oh.. dear. Honestly op I really cannot blame your parents for being very down on this relationship. It wasn’t healthy then and it doesn’t honestly sound particularly healthy now, it’s all coming across a bit ‘star crossed lovers’ and rose tinted is probably somewhat of an understatement.

Baldrapunzel · 26/10/2026 19:56

TBH I'm absolutely not surprised your parents aren't happy.

They are probably far more aware of this person's background with more detail than you know.
You were having a sexualised relationship at the age of 12/13 with someone living under the same roof.

You are looking at this through rose tinted glasses. I think you are very naive about what happened in your childhood and you need to move away from this man.

Uricon2 · 26/10/2026 19:57

The way this started was not OK, 14 year olds shouldn't be having sex and 12 year olds absolutely not. 20 odd years ago it was unhealthy and it still is, because of that warped history.

I'd say you're not Romeo and Juliet but yeah, actually, that ended well.

Original poster
Cyrodillian · 26/10/2026 20:00

JuliaAgrippina · 26/10/2026 19:36

This - OP says she in her 30s.

Though why have you told them anything about if if you do not know if the realtionship is going anywhere? It was probably always going to be a touchy subject with them as it was a huge misstep on their part to your safety.

Show quote history

In retrospect I wish I hadn’t told them. I’ll just see how it goes and won’t mention it to them any more. I still really like him but I accept that they won’t see it this way. And it’s ok for now.

OP posts:
princecharlie · 26/10/2026 20:05

Cyrodillian · 26/10/2026 20:00

In retrospect I wish I hadn’t told them. I’ll just see how it goes and won’t mention it to them any more. I still really like him but I accept that they won’t see it this way. And it’s ok for now.

Show quote history

When I grew up and learned what grooming was, what vulnerable meant, what those experiences as a child actually were my stomach turned. Sure when I was young I thought I wanted what was happening, that's how they manipulate you. It’s worrying you have got to adulthood without altering your views on these things.

Even if this man has changed, he still did those things to a TWELVE year old when he was 14. That should be enough to make you run for the hills, yet you are minimising and making sure we know the age difference is just over a year rather than 2. Ask yourself why you are so keen to defend.

GrumblingGeek · 26/10/2026 20:10

having sex with an under age child is statutory rape. it doesn’t matter you were up for it or even if you started it, it’s still rape. whether you like that word or not. legally it is what it is.

presumably he had been having sex with someone and that’s why he was removed from that place and ended up with you. in foster care. where he should not have had sex with anyone.

your parents probably hate that they “ let this happen” to you and blame themselves. it must have been an awful time for them. they may well have gotten into trouble with the foster management who knows.

you're probably im some kind of trauma bond with this guy. Add to that the saying first loves never die. and you’re ready to go back into the place you were in.

my friend was groomed as a young teen. over a decade on, and two children in, shes still with the guy. her parents hate him with a passion. he is older than them. hes lazy. she carries them all on her wages. they dont see what she sees in him.

she says she wasn’t groomed. would argue that to the grave. she just cannot see it. “but it wasn’t like that”. oh yeah well you tell me why not because it was indeed like that. i dont understand why she cannot see it.

and im sorry but it’s the same either way you. youve normalised what happened. it’s not normal. he was a statutory rapist. do you think you were the only one to him? somethimg special? because i’d suggest he did the same to the next foster sister.

maybe you are lonely and thats the empty hole he is filling. perhaps you need more friends and hobbies? it’s a difficult situation for all involved but i’d suggest hes not for you and just he pals from a distance than lovers.

Glowingup · 26/10/2026 20:18

Sodthesystem · 25/10/2026 16:35

I wouldn’t have restarted this relationship frankly. Maybe he’s a nice enough bloke but why rekindle old drama unnecessarily? No man is worth your peace or your relationship with your family.

They maybe know something you don’t and don’t want to say in order to protect you.

Part of being healed is avoiding people and situations that are going to be unhealthy for you. You should explore with your therapist why you felt the need to start something up again that was obviously going to cause hardship in your life.

No man is worth your peace or your relationship with your family

Peace yeah but surely you’d not dump someone just because mummy and daddy didn’t like him?

But it did strike me that maybe they are privy to information about him that you’re not. As foster carers they might have been told about his background in other placements etc.

AngelinaFibres · 26/10/2026 20:18

Cyrodillian · 25/10/2026 19:53

Thank you so much, because I really appreciate your objectivity.
He's not 2 years older than me but really just a year. And I probably have romantacised some things - I remember him stopping me getting bullied by beating up my bullies and getting into trouble himself.
You are right that I need to take it slow and see where we go. I have no intention on getting pregnant anyway.
As to why. I was just so excited because he is the first person I ever really loved and a part of it always stayed.

Show quote history

You can love someone without needing to have them in your life.
If you were younger than him,he was 14 and you were having sex then that's very grim.

Glowingup · 26/10/2026 20:25

Sodthesystem · 26/10/2026 15:07

The thing is, what twelve year old even thinks about sex? Let alone twenty years ago.
Back then it was usually the couple at sixteen/seventeen that had been together a good long time that were the first ones to lose it. And of course everyone knew everyone’s buisness when it came to something like that. Kids gossip.

I get that some kids come into foster care from abuse backgrounds and may be hyper sexualised at a young age due to abuse. But then - they are performing sex. Twelve year old girls don’t tend to have a sex drive yet. Most of us would just barely have started thinking about kissing a boy. So the issue is that you were probably in a position where you just went along with what he wanted becuase you fancied him. And that’s where it is abuse. Becuase a fourteen year old boy would potentially be thinking about sex. But not a twelve year old girl. Unless of course, she has learned it through trauma…but then it would still be him taking advantage of that trauma. It to say he couldn’t have been hyper sexualised through sexual abuse too of course. Hurt people hurt people, as they say.

Edited

Hate to burst your bubble but at my secondary school in the late 90s, there were people in year 8 having sex and there were girls in year 9 with 20 year old boyfriends. Maybe you went to a very well to do school where only long term couples in their late teens had sex.

Original poster
Cyrodillian · 26/10/2026 20:32

GrumblingGeek · 26/10/2026 20:10

having sex with an under age child is statutory rape. it doesn’t matter you were up for it or even if you started it, it’s still rape. whether you like that word or not. legally it is what it is.

presumably he had been having sex with someone and that’s why he was removed from that place and ended up with you. in foster care. where he should not have had sex with anyone.

your parents probably hate that they “ let this happen” to you and blame themselves. it must have been an awful time for them. they may well have gotten into trouble with the foster management who knows.

you're probably im some kind of trauma bond with this guy. Add to that the saying first loves never die. and you’re ready to go back into the place you were in.

my friend was groomed as a young teen. over a decade on, and two children in, shes still with the guy. her parents hate him with a passion. he is older than them. hes lazy. she carries them all on her wages. they dont see what she sees in him.

she says she wasn’t groomed. would argue that to the grave. she just cannot see it. “but it wasn’t like that”. oh yeah well you tell me why not because it was indeed like that. i dont understand why she cannot see it.

and im sorry but it’s the same either way you. youve normalised what happened. it’s not normal. he was a statutory rapist. do you think you were the only one to him? somethimg special? because i’d suggest he did the same to the next foster sister.

maybe you are lonely and thats the empty hole he is filling. perhaps you need more friends and hobbies? it’s a difficult situation for all involved but i’d suggest hes not for you and just he pals from a distance than lovers.

What a horrible and hateful comment.
I think it’s fine for people to have different opinions but this was just mean.

OP posts:
winter8090 · 26/10/2026 20:35

GrumblingGeek · 26/10/2026 20:10

having sex with an under age child is statutory rape. it doesn’t matter you were up for it or even if you started it, it’s still rape. whether you like that word or not. legally it is what it is.

presumably he had been having sex with someone and that’s why he was removed from that place and ended up with you. in foster care. where he should not have had sex with anyone.

your parents probably hate that they “ let this happen” to you and blame themselves. it must have been an awful time for them. they may well have gotten into trouble with the foster management who knows.

you're probably im some kind of trauma bond with this guy. Add to that the saying first loves never die. and you’re ready to go back into the place you were in.

my friend was groomed as a young teen. over a decade on, and two children in, shes still with the guy. her parents hate him with a passion. he is older than them. hes lazy. she carries them all on her wages. they dont see what she sees in him.

she says she wasn’t groomed. would argue that to the grave. she just cannot see it. “but it wasn’t like that”. oh yeah well you tell me why not because it was indeed like that. i dont understand why she cannot see it.

and im sorry but it’s the same either way you. youve normalised what happened. it’s not normal. he was a statutory rapist. do you think you were the only one to him? somethimg special? because i’d suggest he did the same to the next foster sister.

maybe you are lonely and thats the empty hole he is filling. perhaps you need more friends and hobbies? it’s a difficult situation for all involved but i’d suggest hes not for you and just he pals from a distance than lovers.

Who raped who?

StraightTalkingTina · 26/10/2026 20:37

Cyrodillian · 26/10/2026 20:00

In retrospect I wish I hadn’t told them. I’ll just see how it goes and won’t mention it to them any more. I still really like him but I accept that they won’t see it this way. And it’s ok for now.

Show quote history

How can you ‘still really like’ someone who you haven’t known in almost 20yrs?

You don’t know anything about him. You’re fantasising like a teenage crush.

You have obviously had terrible adult relationships so far so have convinced yourself you have feelings for someone who came into your home when you were 11 and was supposed to treat you like their little sister.

warped. Very warped. You need CBT to reconstruct your boundaries.

Frazzled89 · 26/10/2026 21:07

GrumblingGeek · 26/10/2026 20:10

having sex with an under age child is statutory rape. it doesn’t matter you were up for it or even if you started it, it’s still rape. whether you like that word or not. legally it is what it is.

presumably he had been having sex with someone and that’s why he was removed from that place and ended up with you. in foster care. where he should not have had sex with anyone.

your parents probably hate that they “ let this happen” to you and blame themselves. it must have been an awful time for them. they may well have gotten into trouble with the foster management who knows.

you're probably im some kind of trauma bond with this guy. Add to that the saying first loves never die. and you’re ready to go back into the place you were in.

my friend was groomed as a young teen. over a decade on, and two children in, shes still with the guy. her parents hate him with a passion. he is older than them. hes lazy. she carries them all on her wages. they dont see what she sees in him.

she says she wasn’t groomed. would argue that to the grave. she just cannot see it. “but it wasn’t like that”. oh yeah well you tell me why not because it was indeed like that. i dont understand why she cannot see it.

and im sorry but it’s the same either way you. youve normalised what happened. it’s not normal. he was a statutory rapist. do you think you were the only one to him? somethimg special? because i’d suggest he did the same to the next foster sister.

maybe you are lonely and thats the empty hole he is filling. perhaps you need more friends and hobbies? it’s a difficult situation for all involved but i’d suggest hes not for you and just he pals from a distance than lovers.

What? Did she rape him then also? As the boy was also underage.

BellesAndGraces · 26/10/2026 21:21

So not only was it statutory rape it was statutory rape of a girl under the age of 13 which is a significantly more serious offence. No wonder your parents are still horrified. The fact that you can’t see why they are not supportive of this relationship is very concerning.

BellesAndGraces · 26/10/2026 21:21

Frazzled89 · 26/10/2026 21:07

What? Did she rape him then also? As the boy was also underage.

Show quote history

A woman cannot commit rape.

Original poster
Cyrodillian · 26/10/2026 21:38

StraightTalkingTina · 26/10/2026 20:37

How can you ‘still really like’ someone who you haven’t known in almost 20yrs?

You don’t know anything about him. You’re fantasising like a teenage crush.

You have obviously had terrible adult relationships so far so have convinced yourself you have feelings for someone who came into your home when you were 11 and was supposed to treat you like their little sister.

warped. Very warped. You need CBT to reconstruct your boundaries.

Edited
Show quote history

We are getting to know each other again and so far I really like him. I have made this clear from my first post.
I haven’t had terrible relationships, but none that lasted.
Yes, maybe I need therapy. But I don’t think that I’m completely deluded.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 26/10/2026 22:46

Glowingup · 26/10/2026 20:18

No man is worth your peace or your relationship with your family

Peace yeah but surely you’d not dump someone just because mummy and daddy didn’t like him?

But it did strike me that maybe they are privy to information about him that you’re not. As foster carers they might have been told about his background in other placements etc.

Show quote history

Someone you barely know? You absolutely should. Fair enough if it’s 2 years in and you are getting married. Or if your family is toxic and you should have dumped them for other reasons long ago. But that’s not this.

Hopefully it’s nothing drastic like this though.