I think my parents are very unfair about him

[Cyrodillian]

This is complicated and I somewhat understand my parents' reluctance to accept my new (rekindled) relationship, but I also think that they are very unfair.
My former foster brother and I have found each other again, and have started seeing each other. He only stayed with my family for a few years when we were both young and we developed a pretty strong sort of relationship back then. Once my parents realised he was removed and it was obviously very upsetting for both of us, and also for my parents.

I was mad at them for ages back then but as an adult I totally understand that this was the only right thing for them to do. But I find their attitude very offensive. Since then they have maintained that he was abusive and led me astray etc etc etc, which simply isn't true. We were both children, about the same age, there was no age or power imbalance. I spent some time thinking about this as I went through therapy for a different issue, and I genuinely don't believe that he did anything bad or that he "corrupted" me in any way.

It was very upsetting when it all came to an end I know that he suffered more than me as he was uprooted again and ran away trying to come back a few times until it stopped. When we reconnected he told me that he had sent me letters but that he never got a response and stopped after a while. I asked my parents about this and they confirmed that I had gotten letters but that they had thrown them away to let me move on.

We're both adults now, and the situation is obviously completely different, but my parents were abhorred when I told them that we had taken up contact again, and they keep bringing up these abuse and violence allegations and other stuff, and I got really mad at them earlier but I also feel guilty now.

Have you got kids @Cyrodillian ?

No, I don’t have children

But why does it need to cause hardship?

The parents don’t seem to have rationale grounds to disapprove of the relationship. Surely the issue lies with them and not OP.

sorry didn’t read the full thread before posting. I see now the issue. I would feel very uncomfortable with a foster child having sex with one of my underage children.

it is complicated. You were both children and it was consensual activity.

it’s very different looking at this situation as a mature adult as opposed to through a child’s eyes. I wonder if he feels ashamed or regrets how he acted at that time.

They have plenty of rational reasons. You might not agree with those reasons, but they have them. They might be worried about things that op knows won’t be a problem. But they don’t know that.

What do they say about you having a relationship now? Ultimately it's not really something they can prevent you from doing.

They just don’t like him and have obviously decided that he was abusive and caused nothing but trouble. I’m sure that he caused trouble in many ways but he was also a good friend and that he had to learn a lot of pretty basic things. I’m sure that I have forgotten lots and that I probably don’t remember everything totally as it was, but they’ve just decided to ignore all of the good things.

Anyway. It doesn’t matter.

I mean, give it time. I’m sure if they see over time he is respectful and treating you right they will come around.

Just don’t let it get to a situation where you have to choose between them. Tell them you understand their worries but you are fine and taking things slow. It might not even go anywhere. But if it does, it will be as a result of time, compatibility and measured thinking. And that you hope they can be supportive of that. Because currently, he has done nothing wrong.

A 14 month age difference is a lot at that age. Your parents probably felt guilty about introducing an adolescent boy into your home when you were only 11 . It was a very risky thing to do, not like introducing him when you were both tiny and would grow up as siblings.
Anyway, you are both grown up now and can start again if you want to. Your parents can't stop you.

It’s not surprising that they are horrified, surely you can see that? They invited an older teenage boy into their home and he had completely inappropriate sexual contact with their young daughter. You were not old enough to consent. They must feel dreadful about what happened, and to have him resurface in your life now must be a nightmare for them.

That said, your choices as an adult are yours to make, and they cannot control you. They can only control their own behaviour - if that means they cannot be around the two of you, or simply that they will not approve or accept the relationship, then you will have to respect that.

"It’s not surprising that they are horrified, surely you can see that? They invited an older teenage boy into their home and he had completely inappropriate sexual contact with their young daughter. You were not old enough to consent. They must feel dreadful about what happened, and to have him resurface in your life now must be a nightmare for them."

@sprigatito has nailed it. This with bells on.

@Cyrodillian - the good things cannot possibly outweigh the fact that you were sexually active at an alarmingly young age because of him (12/13). He was also young and may well have been abused and prematurely sexualised himself but he must have known he was exploiting you and that it was an insurmountable and appalling breach of trust to be leading you into sexual activity. It is actually a bit alarming that you are viewing it so romantically and cannot see how unhealthy this was. Have you had any therapy around this?

Respectfully, a 14 year old having sex with his vulnerable, bullied 12 year old foster-sister suggests no boundaries, and a complete lack of judgement, and the fact that you can’t see that yourself is concerning.

I have had therapy but this isn’t something that has ever bothered me. I do not feel like I was abused. We did something very stupid and I understand why my parents reacted the way they did. But we are different people now. But yes I understand why they are unhappy as most people here seem to agree but explained it better than they did.

The ages do matter OP, I'd have been horrified if my DC were sexually active at 12. It may have felt ok to you but it wasn't.
That said your parents made a very poor decision and have to take the blame for allowing an unrelated traumatised adolescent male into your home.

This person was living with you as a brother that means he is a brother. I have half, full and step siblings they are just that to me.

you have now said you had sex with him at 12 so he raped you. he is an abuser.

A teenage boy (presumably with ACE, if he's in the care system) having sex with his underage foster sister? There aren't enough red flags in China for this.

14 months is a huge age difference at 11, 12, 13.

You and he were both victims but you were far more a victim than him of the situation that arose and it was such an appalling, unhealthy situation (far worse than merely very stupid).

You may be different people now, OP, but some things cannot be forgotten or overlooked. Of course, the thought of this man being around you again is devastating for your parents. They no doubt feel appalling that their incredibly naive misjudgement led to you being groomed and raped by a traumatised male adolescent in the family home. The thought of him re-entering your life and you welcoming him must be beyond devastating. You can see how shocked posters here are and we don't even know you.

I get not wanting to hold him responsible as an adult for something he did at fourteen.

But absolutely do a Claire’s law on him. Take no chances. If he overstepped at 14, this pattern may have continued.

What do you mean @Cyrodillian by "it doesn't matter"? Do you mean that you are going to ignore your parents and continue with the relationship? Please do be careful if this is your intention.

Yes I am ok with doing that because it’s sensible even though it also makes me feel guilty. But it’s advice I’d give someone else too I think.

You seem very immature OP. You’re ability to recognise the boundaries require for safeguarding a child are on the floor.

You still don’t see that what happened to you was wrong, you actually called it love.

you also won’t know half the things that went on with this man when he was a boy, because you weren’t entitled to know. You were a child.

Taking up any form of contact with him now is a mistake. You are putting your parents in an extremely difficult position emotionally - this ‘boy’ sexually assaulted their daughter - a boy they brought into their house with love and support. you don’t actually know anything about him or his history that meant he thought that behaviour was ok.

you should consider therapy for this. And so should he.

you are describing a co-dependent relationship with him that cannot lead to something good.

He didn’t rape me

I am amazed that he was placed in your family.

I thought they only placed children younger than the ‘home’ children, and especially a teen boy.

I imagine your parents are riddled with guilt having brought in a foster child who had sex with their underage Dd.

He was your foster brother. Brother.

Yeah I mean your duty is to protect yourself. He doesn’t need to know and even if he did, any decent man would encourage you to do it and take no chances because he’d be a champion of women who wanted them to do whatever it took to feel safe and protect themselves.

You're romanticising this as some kind of thwarted young love that you wanted, but if you went and looked at actual girls that age it might reframe your ideas.

There's a film called The Tale, it's a while since I saw it, but Laura Dern plays a woman looking back on a relationship she had as a girl and as her perspective changes, the girl is recast with younger actresses until she realises how deeply wrong it was and how she couldn't have wanted the things she thought she did.

The abuser in that is significantly older, but it doesn't change the fact that this wasn't some first magic experience of true love. This was a boy brought into your home because of a messed up background who massively crossed lines and had sex with a very underage girl. You think you were equipped to consent, but if you had a daughter that age, you'd change your mind on that sharpish and be horrified just like your parents are.

Any feelings you have for him now are warped by the way it began, this twisted forbidden frisson and some messed up sense of destiny. Your parents are right to feel the way they do, but unfortunately it'll probably only push you closer to him. Your 'unfair' response makes you sound quite stunted at that age with him, which would fit with the abusive pattern and trauma bond. Be very careful.