I think my parents are very unfair about him

[Cyrodillian]

This is complicated and I somewhat understand my parents' reluctance to accept my new (rekindled) relationship, but I also think that they are very unfair.
My former foster brother and I have found each other again, and have started seeing each other. He only stayed with my family for a few years when we were both young and we developed a pretty strong sort of relationship back then. Once my parents realised he was removed and it was obviously very upsetting for both of us, and also for my parents.

I was mad at them for ages back then but as an adult I totally understand that this was the only right thing for them to do. But I find their attitude very offensive. Since then they have maintained that he was abusive and led me astray etc etc etc, which simply isn't true. We were both children, about the same age, there was no age or power imbalance. I spent some time thinking about this as I went through therapy for a different issue, and I genuinely don't believe that he did anything bad or that he "corrupted" me in any way.

It was very upsetting when it all came to an end I know that he suffered more than me as he was uprooted again and ran away trying to come back a few times until it stopped. When we reconnected he told me that he had sent me letters but that he never got a response and stopped after a while. I asked my parents about this and they confirmed that I had gotten letters but that they had thrown them away to let me move on.

We're both adults now, and the situation is obviously completely different, but my parents were abhorred when I told them that we had taken up contact again, and they keep bringing up these abuse and violence allegations and other stuff, and I got really mad at them earlier but I also feel guilty now.

I wouldn’t have restarted this relationship frankly. Maybe he’s a nice enough bloke but why rekindle old drama unnecessarily? No man is worth your peace or your relationship with your family.

They maybe know something you don’t and don’t want to say in order to protect you.

Part of being healed is avoiding people and situations that are going to be unhealthy for you. You should explore with your therapist why you felt the need to start something up again that was obviously going to cause hardship in your life.

‘About the same age’ what exactly were your respective ages? As even 12-18 months when you are teenagers can change the balance massively.

Ps, if you mean to continue this relationship- do not move in with him (for at least two years) make sure your birth control is airtight and do not be rushed into anything you don’t want to do. Never lend him money. Maybe this sounds harsh but I’m getting a vibe that you might have blinkers regarding him in some way.

He played a role as your db
.not surprised your dps aren't happy op.

But if they knew something surely this would have been the time to tell me? I just think that they decided that someone had to take the blame and they centred it all on him?
Look, this might not even go anywhere long term. I just don't understand the very strong reaction.

But why assume that he is a bad apple. We are only getting to know each other again after all this time. Sure there are some memories but we are both different people now I think.

What would be your parents point of view? People can’t give you their opinion if you don’t tell them the details. In what what do they think he led you astray? How old were you both and how old are you now?

Without knowing your parents side no one can advise. But I would assume they have your best interests at heart and know/see something you don't and therefore would take their reservations seriously.

He is a 14 months older than me, and he came to stay with us aged 11-14. I think it's just because he was older than me and not part of the family.

That's fair. They aren't bad people and I know that they love me.

That sounds really harsh on you and your foster brother at the time. I guess maybe they found out you had had a physical relationship and it really shocked them? If this was your first /you were quite young i can see how they would have thought he had led you astray. Lots of parents find their daughter's first sexual relationship difficult to cope with as it's their child growing up etc. I can see how it would have been really shocking to your parents, but also they were a bit naive to have a foster child the same age and opposite sex and not foresee the risk. But it sounds like they handled it badly. Are they the type of parents to find it hard to admit they made a mistake? They maybe just pushed all the blame onto the boy.

Also, what were your parents' motivations do you think for fostering a child? Did they view the boy as 'equal' to you in status do you think, or was it a bit saviour complex? If the boy needed fostering due to a less advantaged background,maybe they never saw you as ending up with someone 'like that'

OP, do you mean that when the boy was 14 and you were 12, he was having sex with you? If so, no wonder they were shocked. If not, what do you mean by'strong relationship'?

I think they know more than they’re letting on @Cyrodillian

Of all the men in the world that you could date, why choose your ex brother? Seriously?

I mean this kindly - consider getting some therapy, because it's inappropriate to date your ex brother.

How have your previous relationships been?

I don't know. I think they just thought that they could make a difference. My parents aren't bad people. They have a bit of a competitive streak but I wouldn't say that they are elitist. I feel a bit bad now having criticised them.

If you were in a sexual relationship with him at those ages I think I see their point.

Imbalance in relationships can come from all sorts age, maturity, understanding of the world, ability to manipulate, are just a few possible imbalances.

No parent would be happy with the situation you describe because it creates significant risks in what should be children’s safe environment of home. That goes for both of you.

I completely get that. What I don't get is why they object to us reconnecting as adults.

I mean if he was 14 and there was sexual stuff going on when you were 12 then absolutely he took advantage of you. No twelve year old should be having sex.

That isn’t to say he couldn’t have been really young mentally and emotionally and so some leeway is maybe allowed. But if I found my 14 year old doing anything with my twelve year old he would absolutely have been out on his backside too.

I can see how you think “What’s the big deal now though cause we are adults?” And whilst I kinda agree with you there. I also think if I was them I’d wonder why you were stirring up old (potential for) drama. Like it seems it could be emotionally unhealthy.

They might worry you’d be more inclined to tolerate nonsense from him because of some romantic fantasy about shared history.

I mean all you can do is take it slow. If you don’t do anything mad like get pregnant or move him in or anything then they’ll probably come to accept it over time. If you decide to keep him around.

Thank you so much, because I really appreciate your objectivity.
He's not 2 years older than me but really just a year. And I probably have romantacised some things - I remember him stopping me getting bullied by beating up my bullies and getting into trouble himself.
You are right that I need to take it slow and see where we go. I have no intention on getting pregnant anyway.
As to why. I was just so excited because he is the first person I ever really loved and a part of it always stayed.

You haven’t directly answered whether you were in a sexual relationship or not? If you were, I can absolutely understand your parent’s reaction.

if you weren’t, from their perspective you were seeing someone that you were supposed to have a brotherly relationship with. They were probably concerned that there was some sort of coercive control involved or an abusive element.

Hence their current reaction.

Your parents may been given information about his background when they fostered him (and when they made the decision he needed to leave )and this may be part of reason why they are not full of joy at your reunion.

Were your bullies that he beat up male or female?

How old are you now?
Its concerning you feel he is your first love and may be romanticising your history together.

It was completely inappropriate for him to pursue a relationship with you when he was in the care of your parents.

Yeah I mean just be careful.
Too many people romanticise their first love or their college loves etc and they date them again later in life only to make more excuses than they should because they are giving it some romantic backstory becuase they met young.

Beating up your bullies isn’t a glowing recommendation. Not unless they were beating you up and he just had to physically step in in order to save you right at that moment. Otherwise it suggests he may be too quick to use his fists. That’s not romantic. It’s a threat to you. Plenty of violent men will also ultimately be violent to you. Plenty also use “things I’ve done for you” in order to get you to excuse their BAD behaviour.

Ooh idea - You know what you should do - a Claire’s Law request. That will bring up if he has any abuse or violence towards women etc in his history. No harm in checking. They won’t tell him they are doing it.