I think my parents are very unfair about him

[Cyrodillian]

This is complicated and I somewhat understand my parents' reluctance to accept my new (rekindled) relationship, but I also think that they are very unfair.
My former foster brother and I have found each other again, and have started seeing each other. He only stayed with my family for a few years when we were both young and we developed a pretty strong sort of relationship back then. Once my parents realised he was removed and it was obviously very upsetting for both of us, and also for my parents.

I was mad at them for ages back then but as an adult I totally understand that this was the only right thing for them to do. But I find their attitude very offensive. Since then they have maintained that he was abusive and led me astray etc etc etc, which simply isn't true. We were both children, about the same age, there was no age or power imbalance. I spent some time thinking about this as I went through therapy for a different issue, and I genuinely don't believe that he did anything bad or that he "corrupted" me in any way.

It was very upsetting when it all came to an end I know that he suffered more than me as he was uprooted again and ran away trying to come back a few times until it stopped. When we reconnected he told me that he had sent me letters but that he never got a response and stopped after a while. I asked my parents about this and they confirmed that I had gotten letters but that they had thrown them away to let me move on.

We're both adults now, and the situation is obviously completely different, but my parents were abhorred when I told them that we had taken up contact again, and they keep bringing up these abuse and violence allegations and other stuff, and I got really mad at them earlier but I also feel guilty now.

Also worth noting that no one is the same at fourteen as they are as adults so whilst you might of loved the him THEN you are still just getting to know the him NOW.

But if they knew something surely this would have been the time to tell me?

Depending on what it was, they wouldn't necessarily be able to.

If I took a child in to my home, as a foster carer, and a ‘romantic’ relationship began between him and my under 14 year old daughter I’d be horrified - and blame myself for allowing the situation to occur.
They probably feel some shame and some guilt.

He probably had a very traumatic childhood. They clearly are caring and thoughtful people (to foster) but perhaps would rather you avoid a relationship with someone with very complicated trauma and background.

Theres also an element of it feeling incestuous. So all in all a very hard situation with difficult themes.

I really don’t blame them.

Your refusal to directly address the multiple questions on here about whether you were engaged in sexual activity with him at 12 years old and also to clarify what their allegations are, is making me think your parents are 100% correct and you need further therapy and to break contact with this man.

Doesn’t matter about first love. It doesn’t mean anything, mean he is a good person or justify anything.

No one can defend themselves against charges they are unaware of. If the parents know something, the OP is old enough to know the truth. If not, they should stop making allegations, imo.

Saying this, OP please be cautious about this relationship. There's comfort in knowing someone for a very long time. Saying this, this young man has had a lot of negative experiences (through no fault of his own, as far as I can see). It would be prudent to make things slowly, imo

I feel sorry for you and the guy involved here. I imagine your foster brother had a history of sexual abuse perhaps. God only knows why your parents thought bringing a damaged and vulnerable young man of the same age desperate for love and connection into a house with a teen girl wouldn’t end up exactly where it did. How absolutely stupid of them. If they are upset and angry I imagine a large part of this is them being frustrated with themselves.

How old are you both now, OP?

Only played that role in the parents’ head. As far as OP was concerned some random unrelated boy came to live in her house just as she hit puberty in full swing.

How old are you OP, you come across as still quite young.
However, you are now an adult and are quite entitled to do as you please and see who you please. The only advice I would give is to take things slowly with your relationship x

Agree with others that this sounded like an utterly stupid decision by the parents to foster a teen boy with a slightly younger girl already in the house.

I didn’t address the questions because I don’t see why they were relevant. Yes we did sleep with each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was not abused even though people will now claim this.

We are both in our mid 30s now, so well grown up.

It’s concerning how you don’t see this whole dynamic as a problem then.

Sorry but the way you describe the situation and ‘first love’ etc when it a massively messed up situation made me think you sounded in your early 20s.

Um what in the name of Jeremy kyle....

Op , your parents are right you were abused by a boy who very most likely was sexually abused himself.
12 and 14 year old foster siblings shouldn't be having a sexual relationship.
They shouldn't have sex. At all.
Your parents acted completely appropriately at the time by removing him . There's no way it would've been appropriate for you and him to stay under the same roof.
I'm unsure why they would think fostering an older male teen whilst have having a female tween in the house would be a safe choice though.

I think your possibly trauma bonded with this man and agree with the PPS who said about therapy. You need therapy.
You have the blinkers on about this situation and no one will come along and and endorse a semi incestuous abusive relationship with a history of child in child abuse.

Under the circumstances of my 12 year old daughter having sex with any boy, let alone a foster child who was in the house as we were trying to make a difference to his life, I would act the same as your parents.
I can understand why they felt that both of you had broken their trust and ask what you felt they should have done at the time.
Before he came to stay, did you think having sex at that age was on the agenda?
Obviously no one can stop you reconnecting at your age but I feel it can bring unnecessary disruption to your family and stress that your parents don't need.

I think it’s perfectly possible that objectively you were both ‘equally responsible’ for the relationship, if anything you could argue that as a child removed from his family home, he was more vulnerable than you, emotionally. However, your parents bought this boy into your home, he was older, if only a little and I suspect they carry a lot of guilt for the fact that you ended up in a sexual relationship with him. I suspect they also feel a lot of anger towards him. I don’t necessarily thing that’s justified but I think it’s very understandable.

How was the rest of his life until you reconnected op? How ‘functional’ is he now?

It’s extremely relevant, a child cannot consent. You need help.

Ah @Cyrodillian you are still looking at this situation through the eyes of your younger self.

I can completely see where your parents are coming from based on this new information.

This relationship was entirely inappropriate at that age and your parents were extremely foolish to bring a boy of that age into your home. You were two young kids so I’m not going to immediately jump to an abuse of power but the relationship was entirely inappropriate.

I think you really need some therapy to understand this situation.

What is done cannot be undone.

OP, you were both virgins (I presume), and it was consensual (I presume- I am disregarding the legal terms of consent on this occasion)

No wonder you are drawn towards each other.

I think the real issue right now is to find out how compatible you are as adults. Take it slowly would be my advice

What I’d like to know is what your relationships have been like since then?
While the circumstances are unusual there are so many threads on here of women who return to a teenage crush/first love after a string of failed relationships.
It offers warmth and familiarity plus a chance to step back in time. It’s like you get to revisit yourself as well.
And then predictably the relationship often becomes abusive. The teenage crush turns out to be a nightmare. It works out on occasion, but it’s rare.
Your parents did a generous thing fostering, but bringing in a teenage boy when they had a younger teenage daughter was just madness.
I should imagine you have memories attached to him that we all have about first loves.
However, this boy was in your home in a position of trust as he was older. 14 months is quite an age gap considering you were 12 and it’s far, far, far too young to have sex.
For so many reasons I would say don’t try to go back in time. Your parents are already hurt and there is a good chance you could be too.
As a woman in your 30’s meet someone new to your world and take it slowly.
I have never been through this but after reconnecting with someone I’d met on holiday at 16 I just remembered this lovely, cheeky chap. And that’s how he seemed. But between 16 and 40 he’d also turned into a very dark, twisted alcoholic with an ex wife he hated. Luckily I got out quickly but he was nothing like the boy I had met.

The thing is, what twelve year old even thinks about sex? Let alone twenty years ago.
Back then it was usually the couple at sixteen/seventeen that had been together a good long time that were the first ones to lose it. And of course everyone knew everyone’s buisness when it came to something like that. Kids gossip.

I get that some kids come into foster care from abuse backgrounds and may be hyper sexualised at a young age due to abuse. But then - they are performing sex. Twelve year old girls don’t tend to have a sex drive yet. Most of us would just barely have started thinking about kissing a boy. So the issue is that you were probably in a position where you just went along with what he wanted becuase you fancied him. And that’s where it is abuse. Becuase a fourteen year old boy would potentially be thinking about sex. But not a twelve year old girl. Unless of course, she has learned it through trauma…but then it would still be him taking advantage of that trauma. It to say he couldn’t have been hyper sexualised through sexual abuse too of course. Hurt people hurt people, as they say.

I’m not surprised your parents are unhappy about you rekindling this relationship with your foster brother. He beguiled you into a sexual relationship years before you should have even been thinking about it. I’m not surprised they requested that he was moved elsewhere. Do you have children of your own? Surely you can see this situation from their perspective?