What do I say to my mum about Christmas?

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

TL:DR Should I tell my mum the reason they are not invited to sibling's for Christmas is because of me?

Long story, sorry (and this is the shorter version) - mum was not a great parent - I was golden child in the position of trying to protect the scapegoat sibling from physical and verbal abuse - being hyper-vigilant, spotting the signs and doing lots and lots of fawning/people pleasing. So I was basically the suck-up to ward mum off losing her rag with my sibling. I 100% know my sibling had it way, way worse. Sibling and I have discussed, get on great.

Doesn't sound massive, but I have been having NHS trauma focused therapy for the last 6 months as my fear response/people pleasing/hyper-vigilance is kind of shit. Therapy is ongoing.

I have thought about going NC - but staying more LC due to dad.

Over the summer there was a big celebration - mum, dad, sibling, me and DH/DC all got together for it. My DC (adult) and DH were watching out for me the whole time (checking seating plans, not leaving me alone with mum etc etc). It was OK-ish - but my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I could feel the pain from my sibling who was kind of pretending it was all OK. It was not horrific, but it was shitty - as far as I was concerned. I could not wait to get away.

DH and I agreed we would keep all visits with mum/dad to 5 hours-ish max. And certainly no more overnight stays. And not put DC through that whole thing again (they were fab).

Just as we were leaving my sibling then said to me they wanted to host Christmas for us AND my parents. (I had not realised at this time that parents had already told sibling they were not doing their normal trip to the local hotel for Christmas).

When I responded to the invitation (I prevaricated at the time) I said we would love to come to theirs, but could not if Mum and Dad would be there. It was not something I could put my family through and it was a boundary I did not want to break for myself.

Sibling went away to think about it and came back saying, please come, will be no Mum/Dad and actually better for sibling too - as they don't have the bandwidth for the dynamic either. Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum. They think I will feel differently next year.

DH and I are seeing my parents next weekend. Should I let my sibling remain the "bad guy" for not inviting my parents? Or should I tell them that actually, it is me, protecting my DC/DH and myself which has resulting in the non-invite?

I am churning this over in my head with what to do. My sibling seems to want to pretend all is OK, we are really one happy family with a few glitches. My sould screams no. I think I should say something to mum about this being about me, not sibling. But I am not sure if that is just be stepping in to protect again?

What should I do?

I think you have handled it all really well considering @ConfusedSoShutUp
It can be difficult for people to understand family dynamics when abuse has been present.
The roles that were given to you and your sibling will be deep set, impossible to break as far as your mother is concerned, so all you and her can do is come together. I hope you both continue to work on yourselves separately too, you both deserve to feel free from this.

I am so glad you have remained close. That is so hard to do when there has been a golden child/scapegoat dynamic, even more so with violence involved.

I wish you both luck and happiness 💐

There don't seem to be any negative consequences for your mother's hideous behaviour towards your sister which is a real shame. You and your sister are both deeply affected by your awful childhoods but your mum carries on completely unaffected.

It appears that both you and your sister are reluctant to cut ties with your parents because of your dad. Has he ever criticised or even tried to stop your mum's cruel behaviour to your sister or does he support and enable her?

I suspected it might be that. She wants you there. The parents, were an obligation rather than a real want, consideration. You gave her the excuse to bow out and she jumped to it, without feeling like the awful daughter who maybe deserved to be treated like crap. You felt guilt because once again sister would be the bad guy. You wanted to take the blame, but realistically knew that taking the blame would still make your sister in the wrong for your mum. You’re both still really fucked by the old dynamics. The only way through is to keep the therapy up and talk , talk , talk to your sister. Always honest, always clear.

Your sibling might be far less traumatised than you about upsetting/ being in conflict with your mum. Speak again to your sister and check that she’s definitely not resentful that she’s ’the bad guy’ and you look like an innocent bystander. If she doesn’t care then leave it as it is. If your sister would prefer it that you shouldered the responsibility then you’ll need to decide what to say/ how/ when.

* Sibling has been more open to having them over to their house - but they really like hosting and like their hosting being appreciated (they are very good at it). They went through therapy a few years back...so maybe that is one reason?*

Your sister has decided to go for a completely approach to her parents than you have done. That is entirely her prerogative. You simply have to support her and carry on socialising with her separately as you have done for many years.