What do I say to my mum about Christmas?

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

TL:DR Should I tell my mum the reason they are not invited to sibling's for Christmas is because of me?

Long story, sorry (and this is the shorter version) - mum was not a great parent - I was golden child in the position of trying to protect the scapegoat sibling from physical and verbal abuse - being hyper-vigilant, spotting the signs and doing lots and lots of fawning/people pleasing. So I was basically the suck-up to ward mum off losing her rag with my sibling. I 100% know my sibling had it way, way worse. Sibling and I have discussed, get on great.

Doesn't sound massive, but I have been having NHS trauma focused therapy for the last 6 months as my fear response/people pleasing/hyper-vigilance is kind of shit. Therapy is ongoing.

I have thought about going NC - but staying more LC due to dad.

Over the summer there was a big celebration - mum, dad, sibling, me and DH/DC all got together for it. My DC (adult) and DH were watching out for me the whole time (checking seating plans, not leaving me alone with mum etc etc). It was OK-ish - but my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I could feel the pain from my sibling who was kind of pretending it was all OK. It was not horrific, but it was shitty - as far as I was concerned. I could not wait to get away.

DH and I agreed we would keep all visits with mum/dad to 5 hours-ish max. And certainly no more overnight stays. And not put DC through that whole thing again (they were fab).

Just as we were leaving my sibling then said to me they wanted to host Christmas for us AND my parents. (I had not realised at this time that parents had already told sibling they were not doing their normal trip to the local hotel for Christmas).

When I responded to the invitation (I prevaricated at the time) I said we would love to come to theirs, but could not if Mum and Dad would be there. It was not something I could put my family through and it was a boundary I did not want to break for myself.

Sibling went away to think about it and came back saying, please come, will be no Mum/Dad and actually better for sibling too - as they don't have the bandwidth for the dynamic either. Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum. They think I will feel differently next year.

DH and I are seeing my parents next weekend. Should I let my sibling remain the "bad guy" for not inviting my parents? Or should I tell them that actually, it is me, protecting my DC/DH and myself which has resulting in the non-invite?

I am churning this over in my head with what to do. My sibling seems to want to pretend all is OK, we are really one happy family with a few glitches. My sould screams no. I think I should say something to mum about this being about me, not sibling. But I am not sure if that is just be stepping in to protect again?

What should I do?

Oh god, sorry,so long!

Your poor sibling. What a bind to find themselves in AND on top of all that they have endured in the past

Your sibling wants to take the 'hit 'this time so quite frankly just let them..

Your sibling presumably spends a lot of time with your parents without you around?

Yep. I know. The level of guilt has been with me for about 45 years. My sibling and I are fully aware of what each other "endured". My guilt (over what my mother did) has done a number on me. So thanks for adding to it.

Just in case you weren't able to imagine it, it ain't a hill of beans spending 45 years trying to protect every single person around you, watching every twitch of an eyebrow, change in the tone of voice...to constantly be on alert to avoid violence. To have deep seated abandonment issues.

My sympathy and feelings are with my sibling. Hence asking the question.

Why does your sibling have anything to do with your mum? Is your mum different now with them but you’re still stuck in protector mode?

Sounds awful

but your sibling clearly doesn’t feel the same way now and appears very close to her folks of wanting to host them.

So I was just saying I feel very sorry for her now in this bond

Good question

No, they avoid them as much as possible and keep visits very low too. They, like me, are in touch more for my dad's sake than my mum's.

Mostly we visit separately. The dynamic of us all being together is...well...fucking awful. I can see my sibling's pain (although they pretend everything is fine). Everything is on a knife edge emotion wise. Sibling is on super-efficient mode, I am in hyper protective mode. Mum slips into utter-bitch-to-sibling mode but then pulls it back as there is an audience (dad/DH, my DC). The emotion with all of us there is horrific. Though I get I am hyper, hyper aware, particularly as in the midst of therapy.

Mum not nearly as bad if just me and my family. I don't think she slips into her "old" mode when sibling visits with their spouse as sibling is not alone (external audience with spouse being there).

So how come wanting to host them for Christmas?

It’s an interesting dilemma that I don’t think anyone here can answer for you. I imagine it will come up and your mum will have some choice things to say about your sibling

I don’t think sibling is protecting you necessarily - I imagine the dynamic has often involved the sibling taking the hit where they think it’s easier/are worried for you

it might actually make you feel better if you tell your mum and stand up to her - have you ever told her the impact your upbringing has on you?

do you have the possibility of a therapy session before then to explore your feelings around this?

What Usually happens over Christmas?

Sorry for snapping there. A bit close to everything at the moment and my emotions are very heightened - heartfelt apologies.

Heavens you don’t need to apologise to me!

But what usually happens over Christmas?

For the last 5/6 years my parents have decided to go to the local hotel for lunch with friends/neighbours. They find it less tiring and have a lovely time. Sibling and I arrange something (a day/a meal) separately with them in one of the weekends before Christmas (so parents kind of get 3 x celebrations). It has been a huge weight off to be honest.

Sibling has been more open to having them over to their house - but they really like hosting and like their hosting being appreciated (they are very good at it). They went through therapy a few years back...so maybe that is one reason?

I now accept I find hosting exhausting (ties in to hyper-vigilance...won't bore you with the back story) so I keep my hosting to much more contained time periods - and with "safe" people.

I think sibling should think about what they want/need more - rather than maybe (I don't know if this is it) proving themselves to mum? A "look, I am great/successful/can do this so fuck you".

You are speculating about your siblings motivations for inviting your parents. I wouldn’t go down that hole.

Your sibling has invited your parents. She obviously wants to. So the ball is on your court as to whether you attend or not. In your shoes I’d suggest a lunch with your sister around Christmas just as you have done previously

i have no idea why your sister would want to see your mum let alone host her but she has invited her and wants to. I would see your sister on a different day entirely. Stay at home with your family for Christmas.

if you need any other support with the family stuff have a look on the stately homes thread. Many of us are low contact or no contact. I’m estranged from my siblings.

"i have no idea why your sister would want to see your mum let alone host her but she has invited her and wants to."

Sibling hadn't invited parents at this point. Wanted to sound me out first. So I explained it was lovely to have the invitation, but I couldn't do it if parents would be there so do another year. I probably should have been stronger to be honest as sibling then came back a few days later and said would be just us. They hadn't invited parents yet. So I, in essence made my sibling choose between us and parents and they chose us. But has taken the "rap" for it from mum - when it was down to me.

This is why I think I should tell parents - it is me blocking their invitation. Not sibling.

I said to sibling we would be happy to spend Christmas at home and we could do something another time - but sibling determined we be there.

Have you had a conversation with your mum about the impact of your childhood?

They hadn't invited parents yet. So I, in essence made my sibling choose between us and parents and they chose us. But has taken the "rap" for it from mum

Your parents have not spent Christmas with your sister for 6 years so why is your mother giving your daughter hassle about it this year?

Stay completely non-committal and say your sibling has invited you for Christmas but you know nothing about any plans apart from that, and it is nothing to do with you.

In your sibling's shoes, I'd completely cut contact with the dreaded parents altogether. Your mother is evil.

I’m confused how your parents even know they have been uninvited? Or that they are pissed off wt not being invited when they haven’t been hosted by your sister for at least 6 years?

I’m going against the grain. I feel that there’s little to be gained from discussing your upbringing with your mother now. I think that she would get defensive and offended, and that she’d dissemble. I’m not sure what would be achieved besides an unpleasant row with her playing the wounded, elderly victim and acting all innocent.

She is unlikely to carefully consider what you say and mull over her egregious behaviour. She is even less likely to have an epiphany and offer profuse apologies.

I’d just avoid her where possible for the years she has left tbh. Enjoy Christmas with your sibling, DH, DC. You’ve both earned nice family Christmases.

You are concerned about your dad. Where was your dad in all this 45 years ago? Did he try to hold her to account?

I would not tell your mum when you see her. You can discuss taking the blame with sibling when you next see her, but you risk making sibling’s life more difficult by dropping that bomb on your mother. She may well turn it around and blame your sister for being disingenuous and not telling the truth or not picking your mum over you.

If you want a discussion with your mum about the way she treats your sister and the impact it has on you, then just do that. Leave Christmas out of it.

Did you read it? The OP says the sibling agreed they couldn't/ didn't want to deal with the mother either and uninvited their parents. So no, they're not close.