What do I say to my mum about Christmas?

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

TL:DR Should I tell my mum the reason they are not invited to sibling's for Christmas is because of me?

Long story, sorry (and this is the shorter version) - mum was not a great parent - I was golden child in the position of trying to protect the scapegoat sibling from physical and verbal abuse - being hyper-vigilant, spotting the signs and doing lots and lots of fawning/people pleasing. So I was basically the suck-up to ward mum off losing her rag with my sibling. I 100% know my sibling had it way, way worse. Sibling and I have discussed, get on great.

Doesn't sound massive, but I have been having NHS trauma focused therapy for the last 6 months as my fear response/people pleasing/hyper-vigilance is kind of shit. Therapy is ongoing.

I have thought about going NC - but staying more LC due to dad.

Over the summer there was a big celebration - mum, dad, sibling, me and DH/DC all got together for it. My DC (adult) and DH were watching out for me the whole time (checking seating plans, not leaving me alone with mum etc etc). It was OK-ish - but my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I could feel the pain from my sibling who was kind of pretending it was all OK. It was not horrific, but it was shitty - as far as I was concerned. I could not wait to get away.

DH and I agreed we would keep all visits with mum/dad to 5 hours-ish max. And certainly no more overnight stays. And not put DC through that whole thing again (they were fab).

Just as we were leaving my sibling then said to me they wanted to host Christmas for us AND my parents. (I had not realised at this time that parents had already told sibling they were not doing their normal trip to the local hotel for Christmas).

When I responded to the invitation (I prevaricated at the time) I said we would love to come to theirs, but could not if Mum and Dad would be there. It was not something I could put my family through and it was a boundary I did not want to break for myself.

Sibling went away to think about it and came back saying, please come, will be no Mum/Dad and actually better for sibling too - as they don't have the bandwidth for the dynamic either. Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum. They think I will feel differently next year.

DH and I are seeing my parents next weekend. Should I let my sibling remain the "bad guy" for not inviting my parents? Or should I tell them that actually, it is me, protecting my DC/DH and myself which has resulting in the non-invite?

I am churning this over in my head with what to do. My sibling seems to want to pretend all is OK, we are really one happy family with a few glitches. My sould screams no. I think I should say something to mum about this being about me, not sibling. But I am not sure if that is just be stepping in to protect again?

What should I do?

I’d go for the united front option. If/when she says she wanted to be invited you just trot out the same excuses your sibling made, on repeat if necessary so it looks like the two of you have decided it together. Use the word we, we decided it won’t work if you come because….. That way you’re not throwing sibling under the bus, nor are you falling on your own sword.

I'd be taking a huge step back here. It's awkward that your sister had a plan to invite everyone, and that you said you'd love to come but couldn't if the parents were there. That then places the onus on the sister to be in the "protector" role for you. As someone said upthread, the golden child/scapegoat roles are interchangable, though often people in the situation can't see it clearly.
It's a big deal for your sister to get to the point of thinking of inviting her parents for Christmas. I'd quietly say you've changed your mind so that your sister doesn't feel like she has to be the protector.

OR she is an independent woman with her own family and she’s making decisions of her own. The Op needs to fully respect and accept that.

her sister was ‘hugely’ hurt and offended with op making choices about her own life. Doesn’t sound like sister is acting in any way from a place of health, wellness, love and light.

Wow, I had no idea that so many people had such little understanding around abusive dynamics in families. I am shocked at how many 'your sister obviously wants them there' type posts there are.
I mean, even people from 'normal' families should surely have read the OP and realised how layered this was?

I think you should let your sibling take the hit this time @ConfusedSoShutUp but you may need to start thinking about what kind of conversation will be needed with your Mother in the future.

Has your sibling recieved counselling etc? That frantic, look how normal we/I am thing they are mode is so exhausting. Have you spoke with them about that?

It’s exactly what happened as per the OP

Sister told OP she was thinking of inviting everyone for Christmas. OP told sister thanks but she wasn’t up for spending time with parents all together so wouldn’t come if they were there.

Sister thought about it and came back to OP and said ‘actually you’re right, I don’t really want to host mum and dad either, it will just be us’

Prior to this, unbeknownst to OP, the parents had told the sister they weren’t planning on going to the hotel as per their usual plans. (So no huge coincidence that the sibling then thought to invite everyone as subsequent posters tried to imply)

Mum has now heard that the sisters are having Christmas together, asked if she can come and been told no it wouldn’t work for various reasons - not blaming OP.

OP feeling guilty and like she should ‘confess’ that it’s her fault mum and dad aren’t invited in order to protect her sister from the blame.

The sister never actually wanted to host them that much, as she has already told the OP.

@ConfusedSoShutUp I think this thread is only confusing things more, telling you that you’re getting in the way of some deeply longed for reunion between your sister and your mum or making you question things that were clear enough in the OP if people read carefully. Your sister has told your parents no, it’s done, I don’t think you need to stir it up even more. Maybe they do blame her, and feel angry about it, but you don’t actually know that until you see them and hear what they have to say. Your sister is probably used to being blamed and having them angry at her, maybe this was what she needed to enable her to strengthen her boundaries further and remember WHY she doesn’t want to host them at Christmas etc. Maybe it will push her further towards no contact. That’s for her to navigate.

If it makes you feel better you could have the conversation with her, ‘look sister I feel bad that you’ll be getting the blame for not hosting mum and dad when it was me who forced your hand on that one, would you like me to explain to them?’ That way she has the option.

The halfway house of low contact is always going to lead to these crisis points I think. If you’ve been worrying about this since your summer get together you’ve got to ask yourself whether LC is actually helping at all. I totally understand though that NC is a big step and if you’re not ready you’re not ready. I feel for you, and hope you and your sister manage to have a lovely Christmas however you celebrate.

@ConfusedSoShutUp I want to thank you for posting this.

Your words describe much of how I feel and react too, also due to childhood trauma and abuse.

I so often hear people saying just say no, just stand up for yourself, just be honest, etc but there is no “just” when your very roots have been planted in stony ground.

I have had years of therapy but it never changes who I am, it only gives insight.

I hope you can find a solution which leaves you reasonably comfortable.

To be honest, both you and your sister should be NC with your parents.

Your mother is clearly a toxic abuser and your father was her enabler.

Where on earth does the Op say this about her sister?

in her own post?

the Op needs to respect her sister for the woman that she is.

but her sister is allowed to be hugely upset and offended when op makes her own choices?

Hi OP.

I am no contact with my abusive mother, and have been since I was 23 - I'm now 52. At first no one sided with me and I was the bad child, as usual. But as the years have gone on, my position has changed. Firstly, the pride I felt for sticking up for myself at last was immense. Secondly, brother and sister and father started to say, 'you know, she has it right, do what she has done, look how her life turned out.' Lastly, they have all had continued issues with our mother, where I have not. Nothing more ever happened and I got to heal.

I think that you are all dancing around the problem, which is your mother's behaviour. It is a massive relief to simply name it and let the cards fall as they may.

'You are the problem and I don't want to ruin my Christmas by seeing you.'

What she does with that is her problem. How she feels is her lookout. You and your family and your poor sister and her family do not deserve more shit. Look how your Christmas is already being dictated by fear and obligation - and dishonesty?

In life you make your bed and you then lie in it. It really is OK to be true to yourself - especially when there is an abuser around. It is not helpful to have to lie down and tolerate. You don't have to anymore. Think of the relief if you just said it how it is?

Her behaviour? Her problem.
Fallout from her behaviour? Her problem.

@Forathird except she did say it?

Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum.

It’s right there in the OP.

Then in a later post:

they were not invited (sibling discussing with me before any invitation issued). So they do not think they have been uninvited. Just aware they were not invited.

She also doesn’t say anywhere that she and her sister always spend Christmas together. People are simply reading things that aren’t there.

She says that for the last 6 years their parents have gone to a hotel with friends, and that the sister and OP would arrange separate meals with them on other days - so that in effect the parents got 3 Christmas meals which worked for them -

For the last 5/6 years my parents have decided to go to the local hotel for lunch with friends/neighbours. They find it less tiring and have a lovely time. Sibling and I arrange something (a day/a meal) separately with them in one of the weekends before Christmas (so parents kind of get 3 x celebrations). It has been a huge weight off to be honest.

Prior to the last 6 years either OP or sibling would offer to host out of a sense of duty.

People just need to read what’s there and not make their own versions up.

Go to your sisters at Christmas and have fun. Don't go to your parents next week or whenever it was you had planned to go. Tell them today you're changing the plan. Start getting 'selfish'. You owe your parents nothing because of the way they were and continue to be. Try and cultivate being more offhand with them.

And be warned. Once their health starts failing, who will they look to? How near do you live to them? Make plans now for how you will extricate yourself from them. I know of which I speak.

Edited to add something to my first sentence.

Why are you spending your life worrying about your parents.
Your father should have been the one to protect you and your siblings NOT YOU.
Why are you wasting 5 hours or any time with toxic people who made your life hell and still keep you in a state of anxiety? They will not change.

I'd keep quiet.

From what I can understand this means your sibling gets a Christmas without her abusive mother and enabling father, that's a win for her and you.

You have been invited and accepted, stop overthinking it and meeting the potential problems half way.

This is your sister’s year to do Christmas so don’t invite drama by having a conversation with your parents.

Living your ‘truth’ is a trauma response too, but they don’t care so save your energy and emotions Grey rock your parents and have a lovely day with your sister.

My family dynamics are similar and those who have done lots of therapy are far better off, consider more therapy in the new year.

I mean this gently OP but having made the decision with your sister you have to decide to leave your guilt at home otherwise your parents might as well be actually in the room with you at Christmas.

Sometimes we get to a point with (particularly with toxic parents) that their behaviour becomes a useful 'data point' that reinforces why you need to have boundaries. If your sister gets a bad rap from your mother about Christmas it's worth remembering that that is precisely why you both keep your distance and manage your relationship with your parents carefully.

Your sibling's relationship with your parents isn't your problem. How she deals with it is also not your issue. If you want to do any monitoring etc do it with her. Maybe the two of you should have a couple of sessions of therapy together?

I completely sympathise, I also have a tricky time with my mother, in a less obviously abusive but not disimilar dynamic to you. Me and my sibling are really not close though, I suspect we both think the other is the golden child in our family, but it's likely closer to the truth that we've been triangulated from the very beginning.

Have a lovely time, and remember that feelings of guilt and obligation are the feelings that your mother WANTS you to feel when you haven't made her the priority. Good luck and have a lovely Christmas with your sister.

Thank you everyone for you advice and support. Especially as I know it can be tricky to see trauma for the golden child (not meant in a passive aggressive way...it took me years to have any kindness for myself..so it is difficult to see to any outsider).

I have taken the advice of many and spoken to sister. She says the reality is she could not cope with parents this year with everything else happening in her life, but actively wants me and my family there (we will be a help/fun/joy not an obligation).

So she says to hold that "line" with parents. It is her call. Her decision. Her preference. Adding in my boundary just muddies stuff and adds unnecessary grief...so avoid/grey rock/act dumb. She can't face them...and has valid family reasons not to invite.

I am glad I have spoken with her

Thank you all 💐.

I think you need to speak with your sister and perhaps find out more about her relationship with her parents, as it is clearly in a very different place as your relationship with them.