What do I say to my mum about Christmas?

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

TL:DR Should I tell my mum the reason they are not invited to sibling's for Christmas is because of me?

Long story, sorry (and this is the shorter version) - mum was not a great parent - I was golden child in the position of trying to protect the scapegoat sibling from physical and verbal abuse - being hyper-vigilant, spotting the signs and doing lots and lots of fawning/people pleasing. So I was basically the suck-up to ward mum off losing her rag with my sibling. I 100% know my sibling had it way, way worse. Sibling and I have discussed, get on great.

Doesn't sound massive, but I have been having NHS trauma focused therapy for the last 6 months as my fear response/people pleasing/hyper-vigilance is kind of shit. Therapy is ongoing.

I have thought about going NC - but staying more LC due to dad.

Over the summer there was a big celebration - mum, dad, sibling, me and DH/DC all got together for it. My DC (adult) and DH were watching out for me the whole time (checking seating plans, not leaving me alone with mum etc etc). It was OK-ish - but my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I could feel the pain from my sibling who was kind of pretending it was all OK. It was not horrific, but it was shitty - as far as I was concerned. I could not wait to get away.

DH and I agreed we would keep all visits with mum/dad to 5 hours-ish max. And certainly no more overnight stays. And not put DC through that whole thing again (they were fab).

Just as we were leaving my sibling then said to me they wanted to host Christmas for us AND my parents. (I had not realised at this time that parents had already told sibling they were not doing their normal trip to the local hotel for Christmas).

When I responded to the invitation (I prevaricated at the time) I said we would love to come to theirs, but could not if Mum and Dad would be there. It was not something I could put my family through and it was a boundary I did not want to break for myself.

Sibling went away to think about it and came back saying, please come, will be no Mum/Dad and actually better for sibling too - as they don't have the bandwidth for the dynamic either. Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum. They think I will feel differently next year.

DH and I are seeing my parents next weekend. Should I let my sibling remain the "bad guy" for not inviting my parents? Or should I tell them that actually, it is me, protecting my DC/DH and myself which has resulting in the non-invite?

I am churning this over in my head with what to do. My sibling seems to want to pretend all is OK, we are really one happy family with a few glitches. My sould screams no. I think I should say something to mum about this being about me, not sibling. But I am not sure if that is just be stepping in to protect again?

What should I do?

they were not invited (sibling discussing with me before any invitation issued). So they do not think they have been uninvited. Just aware they were not invited (sorry if first post not clear).

They have not wanted to be invited for the last 6 years to be honest - actively said they would rather not come and stay and wanted to do their own thing. To be honest, it was only after all this kicked off that I knew they had not booked their normal table with friends.

People from dysfunctional families end yp
playing roles. The roles of scapegoat and golden child are also interchangeable.

I would not let your dad off the hook because he is her both her enabler and secondary abuser. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so need a willing enabler to help them. This is your dad. He has and will continue to throw you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He cannot be relied upon either and he’s also likely said don’t criticise my wife that I have chosen.

Why are you planning on visiting them next weekend?. Is it because of FOG - fear obligation and guilt: three buttons that your mother put in you? Your parents are really not worth bothering about and low contact often leads to no contact. Get out and stay out is the counsel I would give both of you as siblings.

If your parents are this bad I'm surprised either your siblings or you want to spend any time with them but I suppose relationships are complicated.

Yep I'm from this dynamic...the protector child and would just leave this alone. The difficult message is done

So they haven’t spent Christmas with your sister for at least 6 years

Suddenly your sister wants to host them this year but doesn’t tell them she’s like to host them, instead runs by you. You understandably say that you’d rather not if parents are there. So sister decides not to invite.

and yet out of the blue after 6 years your parents suddenly get in an arse with her for not inviting them? What a weird coincidence that this was the first year she had even wanted to invite them.

Are you sure your sister hasn’t told them she was thinking about hosting them this year? Because this situation would make sense if she had

What happened before 6 years ago?

Oh crumbs, I am even more confused.

And yes to PP, my dad has a role in this. Enabler. Equally abused. <sigh> Not blameless. But also a victim. I look back and can see how hugely different my mum behaved when dad was home. There was shouting. But not at the same level. And not the violence.

I see what PP say. If i try and take the blame or shift the blame in any way, my mum may well will then make it my siblings fault.

But the protector role is hard to break.

But I am trying to break the "peace-maker" role as well.

I think I am just trying to "prep" and answer now so I stop ruminating overthinking it.

You are massively overthinking (because of course you are 🌹) and you don't need to say a thing about Christmas. Your siblings has already said it won't work due to reasons. Don't get involved in any discussion.

I am very confused! I don’t understand why your sister suddenly wanted to host them and why this is the first year they expected to be invited.

I think your sister must have told them she was thinking of hosting them. It’s the only explanation

do you generally spend Christmas Day with your sister?

Sibling and I would maybe host, or go to theirs every 4/5 years. Parents would be alone in the intervening years. Christmas with parents were planned by me and sibling as a "duty". Not a preference.

It just seems an odd coincidence that the first year our sister wants to host them but then doesn’t is the first year they expected to be invited.

So I suppose, we "owe" the duty of Christmas with them.....but I can't. I really, really can't. For my DC and DH as well as for me.

And I certainly, 100% cannot do it with all of us there.

I have no idea. Maybe more discussion went on between sibling and parents.

All I know is I told sibling I could not do an all of us, but totally understood if that meant we (sib and I) would have to do it another time.

And that is fair enough
Your sister felt she could though
Fair enough you can’t though.
But you need to accept your sister is very evidently in a different place to you when it comes to your parents and you need to support this. She has been through enough

Your dad has abjectly failed to protect your sibling and you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour. Therefore he is no victim but complicit and otherwise culpable. He had a choice when it came to you as his children and he chose him throwing you both under the bus.

Keep away from your parents and do not get involved in discussions re Christmas. No good to you comes from being in contact with them and a five hour visit is way too long also as it further triggers you. You all need to stay well away.

Ok so yes… your sister did tell them she was thinking of hosting them. And now she isn’t. Hence her getting the “rap”.

So ask her - what did you tell the folks?? And if she has covered for you, suggest that you put them straight

You both owe your parents nothing , let alone a relationship or Christmas dinner.

Agreed

But the sister wanted to host so she is in a different place to the Op

Have faith in your sister that she's an adult, took your reasonable boundary decision into consideration, and made her choice. She knew what the fallout would be. That's done. If you spoke up to your mother, you'd just be an extra person berated. No sense in that.

Indeed. op and her sibling are in very different places.

What is often forgotten is that in such dysfunctional families the golden child as well as the scapegoat is emotionally harmed. The scapegoat is in a worse position than the golden child but the golden child role is not without price either.

Is she jealous of you and your sis spending time together? Mine always butts in!

Have you heard of grey rock? You need to practise it. Sister has chosen to invite you for Christmas. She’s told her parents, ‘no’. That’s all.

When they raise it at your house, the subject needs to be boring and vague. Lots of ‘don’t knows’, ‘I expect so’, ‘maybe’.

Yes, we’re staying with Freda. Don’t know if we’ll go anywhere. Yes I’m expect it will be nice. I don’t know what we’re doing. Yes, we’re just having a quiet Christmas at her house. We might play a board game.

Then come in with the occasion you do want to see them, and big it up.

Your sibling obviously feels that she could cope, hence wanting to invite your parents.
You always took the role of protector and remain hyper vigilant. Perhaps your sibling does not need you to be her protector anymore?
Perhaps it is time to find a way to relax your vigilance and let your sibling handle any problems herself.
You have the right not to see your mother for any reason you choose, but your sibling might feel she is able to now.

Have another chat with your sis. Explain that if she is wanting to see your parents, I’m still not sure why she would want to, that’s it’s completely fine by you and you will see her on another day. Give her a choice. (In your type of family set up I’d be classed as the scapegoat so you people please and never do what’s best for you). Is there anything going on in her life that’s caused these invites this year?

In your situation I would definitely step back and not see my sister either. Just focus on you, your DH and your DC. We have our Christmases at home just the three of us, and the pets, every year. I find that a struggle let alone anything else.

your parents are fine at home in their own house. You don’t nee to worry about them.

This. I don't think you can or should get your sib to do what you want. I'd also question (politely) if you are genuinely feeling her pain or if you are thinking how you'd feel if you were her? Because I am not sure why she would want her mother there if it was that apainful unless she is so genuinely whipped by your mother's treatment of her that she can't say no? In which case surely you and your sibling should be forming an alliance against your mother and, yes not letting your enabler father to get off scot free?

She was always in a different place than the OP. She’s the scapegoat, whatever happens everything will be her fault.

I’m estranged from my siblings. I’ve not seen any of them in four years, but I am still being blamed for anything that goes wrong.