What do I say to my mum about Christmas?

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

TL:DR Should I tell my mum the reason they are not invited to sibling's for Christmas is because of me?

Long story, sorry (and this is the shorter version) - mum was not a great parent - I was golden child in the position of trying to protect the scapegoat sibling from physical and verbal abuse - being hyper-vigilant, spotting the signs and doing lots and lots of fawning/people pleasing. So I was basically the suck-up to ward mum off losing her rag with my sibling. I 100% know my sibling had it way, way worse. Sibling and I have discussed, get on great.

Doesn't sound massive, but I have been having NHS trauma focused therapy for the last 6 months as my fear response/people pleasing/hyper-vigilance is kind of shit. Therapy is ongoing.

I have thought about going NC - but staying more LC due to dad.

Over the summer there was a big celebration - mum, dad, sibling, me and DH/DC all got together for it. My DC (adult) and DH were watching out for me the whole time (checking seating plans, not leaving me alone with mum etc etc). It was OK-ish - but my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I could feel the pain from my sibling who was kind of pretending it was all OK. It was not horrific, but it was shitty - as far as I was concerned. I could not wait to get away.

DH and I agreed we would keep all visits with mum/dad to 5 hours-ish max. And certainly no more overnight stays. And not put DC through that whole thing again (they were fab).

Just as we were leaving my sibling then said to me they wanted to host Christmas for us AND my parents. (I had not realised at this time that parents had already told sibling they were not doing their normal trip to the local hotel for Christmas).

When I responded to the invitation (I prevaricated at the time) I said we would love to come to theirs, but could not if Mum and Dad would be there. It was not something I could put my family through and it was a boundary I did not want to break for myself.

Sibling went away to think about it and came back saying, please come, will be no Mum/Dad and actually better for sibling too - as they don't have the bandwidth for the dynamic either. Sibling spoke to parents a bit later and said we were going to them for Christmas and apparently mum did say "can we come". Sibling said no, not possible with step children/in laws/work. Sibling is happy to be the bad guy in this conversation with mum. They think I will feel differently next year.

DH and I are seeing my parents next weekend. Should I let my sibling remain the "bad guy" for not inviting my parents? Or should I tell them that actually, it is me, protecting my DC/DH and myself which has resulting in the non-invite?

I am churning this over in my head with what to do. My sibling seems to want to pretend all is OK, we are really one happy family with a few glitches. My sould screams no. I think I should say something to mum about this being about me, not sibling. But I am not sure if that is just be stepping in to protect again?

What should I do?

Hypervigilance.

I could see her pain in her actions, her mood, her reactions. My DH could. My DD could.

Maybe we were all wrong.

Maybe my DC and DH just imagined the stuff that made them say "God is she OK?"

Politely, I have lived with this. I have watched this so closely. I have learnt every nuance of both my mum and my sister's emotions to try and deflect, diffuse, avoid, make everyone /anyone happy. It was like watching my childhood.

I would kind of love just to step back and not see anyone this year, but sister was hugely hurt by this suggestion and very offended. So not really sure how to have done this. Kind of damned if go, damned if don't.

I do the same in family situations. The only answer I have is to never see more than one part of the family at the same time.

The last family thing I went to with one parent and two siblings and families was a milestone birthday ten years ago. Everyone else seemed fine I was an absolutely nervous wreck, completely pushed out and excluded by everyone, and ill for a week after.

I told myself never again. (I think i was invited in error as it was a surprise meal and I was invited by a sibling in law).

"I told myself never again." Yes @OneNewEagle. This. I can deal with them separately. But not together.

And I am sorry you have had to deal with this too @OneNewEagle

What have you and your sister done for the last 6 years whilst your parents have been busy?

I don’t think your sister should necessarily be being like that with you OP. You have every right to put yourself first and I think you should. You are going through therapy working on getting yourself in a better frame of mind, that is more important than your sisters needs this year.

I also think your family is more complex than you are golden child she is scapegoat. I think you have both been badly damaged. Toxic families are never textbook there’s a lot of crossovers, I think your mother was abusing you both in different ways.

Do you need to see your parents at all? It sounds like they are still bringing so much trauma to your life.

I think you are thinking too deeply about this, due to past history and trauma.
I think your sibling was probably inviting your parents out of obligation, and you have basically given them a get out of jail free card by suggesting not to. Win win.

We had abusive parents and one day I said no more and walked away forever, no contact. And my siblings followed me! That was 15 years ago and we are all still happily no contact, siblings just needed someone to decide ENOUGH.

No need for stress. Just enjoy the lead up and the day guilt free.

Thank you, it’s completely soul destroying. The only person who can put our needs first though is ourself. Even if it feels selfish or nasty or mean.

The ‘togetherness’ if you can call it that means everything comes flooding back. I can manage very occasional small doses one dose at a time.

But why do you owe them the duty of Christmas? - to an abuser and her enabler, why? The people pleaser in you tells you that you owe them this, but you don't. You are allowed to protect your boundaries and your boundaries are allowed to be different from your sisters. Just because she suffered 'worse' doesn't mean that you again have to be the person who fits in to try and manage the emotional fallout, that would be playing out the old roles all over again.

Your dad was not equally abused. You were children and were both abused by your mum. Your dad was an adult with agency. He chose to enable your mum and is still doing that.

I think it will be very difficult for you to spend long periods of time with your mother now you're in therapy and have your eyes wide open. 5 hours is a very long time. I would aim for a shorter time and think about what your boundaries are. I would neither attempt to explain the Christmas situation, nor tolerate any criticism of your sibling. Your mother clearly sees you as complicit if she continues to make critical comments to you.

I feel for you as your therapy is very much a work in progress and you're trying to maintain contact in the meantime. I would practice some phrases you can use if your mum starts. Something like 'I don't want to hear you speak about sibling like that'Al'You are upsetting me'. Also 'we're going to leave now'. It is not your job, in any way, to make the unbearable bearable.

I should add, I also walked away from my abusive family.

I have no idea why either of you see your awful parents

I think it's obvious the sister is in FOG. She wants to host to have a good relationship with her parents...but it won't happen

Put the boundary in place now with a no invite or you and sibling will be stuck in the mum at christmas nightmare every year

The parents haven't been uninvited. They were never invited in the first place. But parents discovered OP was spending xmas with sibling and parents (well, the mother) tried to invite herself as well and sibling said no.

Can you take the pressure off by not deciding now? Like others have said, when you see them next, grey rock re Christmas. If in a month you decide you absolutely have to say something, then do it then.

So how come wanting to host them for Christmas?

welcome to disordered families! You’ll spend hours choosing Christmas presents for adults who have harmed, and continue to harm you, all while thinking it’s the right thing to do.

but sister was hugely hurt by this suggestion and very offended

this is a problem. You are no more responsible for handling your sisters feelings than you are for your mum. It concerns me that your sister is trying to steer your decisions with her feelings, which is unkind. Does she have any awareness that she does this and what feelings does it bring up in you if you thought about talking about this dynamic with her?

I don't think she slips into her "old" mode when sibling visits

it’s not old though is it. It’s just who she is now and always has been with the usual constraints on her to not be too obviously nasty.

And clearly the sister and parents have been having a separate and growing closer relationship that the Op has been unaware of.

sister might think she is, but as a parent you’re only as loving and safe as your least closet child thinks you are (serious mental illness notwithstanding)