What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

100% this!!
Just leave him.

Please block this negging, gaslighting, controlling arsewipe. Trust me when I say youvd not heard the last from him.

it’s not petty to block a manipulative malignant person from your life.

I'm so glad you got your stuff and left, what a horrible horrible night! As others have said, he's a nasty abusive little wanker who gets his kicks from putting you down. He was probably exactly the same to his ex. You are much better off without him in your life.

I hope you left his key there - he doesn't have a key to your place, does he? You must also block him on everything so he can't contact you.

Try not to spend time analysing every little thing that's happened, going over and over it in your mind. Accept that he was abusive and you've done the right thing by leaving. Don't give him any more headspace. Just know that you're a good person and deserve better than him.

Get some rest. Look after yourself. Ring a friend and make plans together to meet up. Keep busy. You are going to be ok 💐

You both need to quit drinking.

I think if you ignore the signs that things are not working, the criticisms, the subtle nastiness, thats when the cruel contempt starts.
You have tried hard to ignore these red flags and gone along in the assumption that you can help him be a better man. And, he's just not a good man. Very far from it.
You sound like an intelligent woman to me. To him, ignoring his bad behaviour, you are desperate. So he thinks he can treat you badly and you'll just take it.
Ask me how I know.
I've still got marks on my face 30 years later from when the contempt turned to violence.
Don't be fooled into taking him back. Be smarter than that. 💐

I would leave and never speak to him again this is not the behaviour of a man that claims to love u
He is slowly slowly making u compliant with the spot thing he is eroding your confidence and by continually saying u embarrass him he wants to dim u down !!!
And it's working your begging to fix it whilst he has done all of this
These types of men are very manipulative get out while u can because he will ruin u try and remember who u was 9 months ago

I do think he might get lonely, yes as this is what he had told me when we met that he had been lonely. From reading on here I think perhaps he’s had a bit of a high from the intense drama which he enjoys. He was so convinced I had ruined the day and I had an issue with alcohol even though I had drunk far less than him but unfortunately I think I got too close to the fact he has an issue with alcohol when I suggested we DRINK LESS so we don’t argue as much.

Earlier that day he asked me how many diet cokes I had drunk and if I would choose Diet Coke over him. I said that was a silly question, would he choose me or alcohol and he got all defensive about ‘not needing to drink’ and if someone told him there was no more alcohol he would be totally fine with it,

We have weekends away booked for this year and next so I assumed with the key and wardrobe, we was together long term. When we first got to the pub we discussed spending Christmas together and I got a weird vibe off him he kept saying it’s ages away, no need to plan it yet which was weird. He then said his mum always drinks too much and starts verbally abusing everyone, which clearly is hereditary.

I know I need to block him I’m working up to this.

In one last act of subtle defiance I sent his shitty message a big thumbs up. He uses this on his ex when she challenges him and he’s bragged about it lots of times as he likes to piss her off, so I gave him a taste of his own medicine.

Thank fuck for that @Bunkbed80 - I was wondering where you'd left your self esteem.

Get rid of this loser - this is not a man who loves you. This is a man who wants to belittle and control you... you've only been together for 9 months and he's already this horrible..

Do your future self a favour and block him - and DO NOT go back to him.... none of this is your fault, but that really would be....

All his friends and family telling me he had changed for the better since he met me

I actually think this is a red flag. I had the same thing with an ex-boyfriend. He hadn't changed for the better, it was just that I'd become a middleman, taking the brunt of all his shitty behaviour, which meant his friends and family got some respite from it.

I'm glad you're out of there. Well done. And I love the thumbs up.

I would just gently ask though, that you try really hard not to feel sad, but feel angry that such a manipulative loser took 9 months of your time

PP are right, he will be back, he's testing your boundaries. Please prepare for that.

Yeah I think this might be true now. He was holding it in a lot of the time but it leaked out.

One of the nice old men in the pub asked if I was ok when I went quiet, and I said ‘he’s irritating me’ and he leaned over and said ‘he’s always irritating’ and laughed but then put his hand on my shoulder and said ‘he’s nicer since he met you’ so obviously 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Block him because he will be back with an ‘apology’ and a sob story. They will do this until they find their next victim. He will be angry at you for blocking him and he will badmouth you to everyone (just like he does his ex-wife) because they try and control the narrative and can never ever take responsibility for their behaviour.

He’s a horrible low-life excuse for a man and there’s a good reason he’s got an ex-wife; he is an abuser.

I echo others who suggested you get some therapy. It will help you process this. Also look up the power and control wheel, it can help you clearly see patterns of abuse.

Take care of yourself this week and reach out to trusted family and friends. They will believe you and support you.

Oh good lord, what they hell kind of mess was this in only 9 months? Moving stuff in, plans with his kids so soon in but drunk rows every weekend when you wouldn't normally be drinking so much, health nosedived and taking up vaping again! And were you basically just living his life each time - his house, his local with football and the weekend he wants?

Cut him off and stay away OP, you know this wasn't good for you.

OP this may sound harsh but it’s not meant to be.

This man is vile, and it still sounds like you are half hoping that he will reach out to try and fix things.

Instead of analysing what he did and why he did it, ask yourself why you tolerated such disgusting behaviour from a man. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this?

Forget all the plans you made, tell your family the truth; that he is an abusive drunk, and make new plans without him.

This.

Thank your lucky stars he's waved all the red flags at this stage so it's easier to leave.

He sounds absolutely disgusting.

I'm so pleased you've left, OP.

Give yourself time to grieve your relationship. You already know deep down what an arse he is but you still have lots of mixed feelings to process.

How I wish you'd taken the pie. Or shoved shit into it.

Well-done OP.!.
Just read your updates !
That's such a relief I was angry reading your post ! Men are such arseholes !
Not all of them just the bad ones

I used to know someone who got into a relationship like you had, they were in their 40's, he was a divorcee and heavy drinker! It was always a volatile relationship, she wanted to sell her house and his house so they could get a nice new home together but he was never willing to commit like that and everytime they had drunken rows he'd go back to his place for a long sulk.

Blokes do seem to love a good argument when their pissed and will push all the buttons and then blame the woman for it all when she snaps - but most blokes do it when they are younger and grow out of it. My then friend was forever splitting up with him and then going back to him. He turned her into a heavy drinker! She got to a stage of having a bottle of wine and 3 plus cans of beer every night! She was lucky she never got breathlylised on the way to work or that nobody at work noticed or smelt alcohol on her.
She changed as a person and she fell out with me for a really ridiculous reason.

People’s true nature shines through when drunk. My DH become smiley and sleepy like a dormouse. I become even chattier, I am a natural talker.

Your BF is an awful human being and when he has had a drink his natural self is on display.

It is a very clear LTB scenario.

Omg please get out of this relationship. It’s early days and this is how things are?? Imagine a lifetime of this. He won’t change and you shouldn’t have to. Sorry OP it’s over and thank your lucky stars he showed his colours early. I’ve left it and hoped for the best in the past and ended up in years long hell of relationships that are hard to get out of once you are in deep. At least he hasn’t met your family yet which adds another level of emotional commitment. Get out and don’t let him back into your life.

Oh lord, this was me in my early 20s. Sitting in a grim pub (because they kept the ale well) being ignored all night, then criticised and spoke to like I was an idiot, then being told I was too emotional/irrational. Being told that I “used to be brilliant”.

Being talked at for hours when he was drunk. There’s loads more abusive behaviour and for years I loathed myself for letting it happen not realising it creeps up on you slowly.

In short, OP. End it, block him, keep it ended.

Look after yourself, don’t drink for a bit, treat yourself like the precious being you are.

Don’t think twice just get the twat gone. Don’t try to understand him, reason with him and don’t see yourself as his saviour.

Massive red flag when you said people around him say he’s happier with you. People used to say that to me and i stepped up to being the twat’s minder.

Honestly, if it wasn’t that the ages are out (my twatty boyfriend must be 60 odd now) I swear I’d think they were same guy.

Do not look back. Work on your self esteem to stop this happening again. Im 61 this month and its took a lifetime to love myself. You can do it quicker! Please update!

As someone who spent 7 years with one of these vile, negging, abusive pricks, I really implore you to NOT waste your time trying to analyse their behaviour. There is no rhyme nor reason for it. You’re not the problem. He wouldn’t treat someone better. You don’t need closure and you don’t need to know why he’s behaved this way. As much as you feel sad and disappointed and rejected (I sense SO much rejection sadness in your posts which makes me really sad for you) and I think even if you want admit it, you wanted him to fight for you - in spite of all these, please please just focus on yourself and any time you start to analyse or overthink him or his behaviour, give yourself a stern talking to. He is absolutely not worth the time or the energy. He may have been thrilling in the beginning, he may be attractive, he might be great at sex, he may be super intelligent on paper, but he’s an abusive, nasty, vile little shit and you deserve a lot better - after some therapy and some time alone.

Reframe this situation not as him ‘dumping’ you but you acknowledging red flags and leaving. There is nothing for him to ‘fight for’ as you have no interest in reconciliation.

I assume analysing is me just processing.

Everyone’s responses are helping a lot.

We had been on a holiday once before, he got drunk every single night, one of those nights he was really annoying and did things that upset me and we had a row. I hadn’t been drinking.

We hadn’t been arguing every weekend, but often the nights out would result in him having some kind of moody strop about something and it was becoming more and more common for it to happen early on in the night and not later. He wanted me to be his fun drinking buddy but I just find it stressful to watch all my moves. Then he would feel I had let him and myself down.

He had been moving things on at a fast pace then seemed to be pulling back a bit. I didn’t see this clearly so likely got a bit more needy and he’s felt trapped.

I know I need to do work on myself and I agree that getting back to my previous lifestyle is important.

I just feel in shock today

Please block him. Please.

He's going to start testing you soon by sending texts like 'you were right, I need to stop drinking' and 'I need you to help me be strong.' He knows you are a caring, loving individual and he will try to play on that to draw you back in again.

Please block him.

This. The regret and sadness you are experiencing is understandable as this is all very new and you're tired and upset. But it's obvious you still feel wistful and disappointed and wonder if its you're fault. You need to be really disciplined with yourself over the next days and weeks. Do not allow yourself to get dragged back into this.

I'm not usually a fan of blocking people but in this case I think it might be a good idea to remove the temptation to get into a back and forth with him.

I cannot stress enough how horrible he is. He's a drunk, he's gaslighting you and making you feel shit about things you can't control. He's abusive, he's into rough sex. He's absolutely horrendous. Keep repeating this to yourself, stick it on your mirror in lipstick if you have to. You've dodged a bullet and whatever you do, don't go back to him.