What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

It saddens me that you say you need therapy after being with this man. You sound like me. I’m comfortable in my own skin and have a friendly and confident air about me (so people say) I dress nicely, no overly self critical or insecure but also self aware. I give people my trust until it’s broken. You have met a man who was drawn to all your amazing (and I like to hope, normal) qualities and is baffled how someone can be like you. That’s sad. I have said it before many times and this was so true in my ex-marriage, that the qualities that men are initially attracted to are the qualities that they end up hating about the you. He has chipped away at your self confidence but all your feelings are normal. You will get over this but do what you so best.. turn to friends and family who you can be yourself with again without judgement.

Well done OP.

You’ve achieved so much in two days. Keep going one day at a time.

Therapy should really help. Make sure you have an hour to recover after it, rather than having to go straight into work/be anywhere. As it can be tiring.

You are giving him far too much head space..
He was a fucking nutter..
Lucky escape.
End of..

It’s not as easy as that.

Trying to decipher every conversation and minute by minute dissection is you messing with your own head surely?
He was a Grade 1 cunt...that's the bit that makes sense.

Go with that.

it’s like a PTSD type reaction. I will fall asleep for 2 hours then wake up with flash backs of a traumatic event, your brain replays these against your will. You go over everything as your brain can’t seem to stop. I did listen to hypnosis music and this helped for a few hours. I am trying to stop the rumination with distraction.

Keeping a log here is a double edged sword, it’s something to read over to remind you why not to go back, also becomes something you feel compelled to keep returning to because it reminds you of him.

I’ve lost half a stone as it’s hard to eat and I’ve got a permanent headache.

I have swung from one extreme to another all night with my friend ChatGPT about contact with him and now I’m just exhausted and can’t think straight but other than that, not much to say

After a similar situation and other previous factors I went ahead with a type of therapy called EMDR which is trauma-based.
I am not here to sell it, I’m not a therapist I’ll include a link that’s useful.
When you go through traumas like you have in 9 months, they get stored. And when you are trying to make sense of them, or tell yourself you are safe now, it’s like there is a server in your brain bouncing back an email to say you are safe.
You have gone through many traumas in a short space of time but because you are now out and can still recognise who you are as a person, it’s a strong place to start from.
This therapy changed my life and lots of other MN posters have had success with it.
It works in a way to reprocess the traumatic memories - they don’t go away but their daunting nature reduces.
I didn’t find that endlessly analysing it all helped. In fact, it made it worse.
Please try and take a break from going over it all - I know it’s hard.
I was thinking about the pub. The one I had to go to was also full of old men but one was about 90 and had lost his wife. So I used to sit and have a chat with him. He had an allotment and used to bring in all sorts of stuff each week and used to do a little box for me.
And then in front of the whole pub one week I got from the ex arsehole… oh Petula is fucking easy she will whip her knickers off for Bill over there for a box of tomatoes, the slag.
At the time…. devastated.
Now I think…. what a prick. Thank God that ended.
Please know it can and will get better.

https://www.emdria.org/blog/emdr-therapy-for-survivors-of-domestic-violence-a-trauma-informed-approach/

This is your nervous system trying to settle after trauma. The not sleeping or eating, Jesus I’ve been there! Back in March I lost 6lbs in 3 weeks and it continued going down. I could barely force myself to eat. I did find chat GPT quite helpful. I know it’s not recommended by everyone but I couldn’t afford more therapy and I think used in the right way it can be a useful tool.

Despite wanting to end the relationship many times (and I had ended it!), I found it hard to walk away and he always talked me round. In the end it was he who ended it by starting a relationship with someone else (when we were still together) in broad daylight and I had to find out from a friend! I was devastated and angry that it had been him who ultimately ended it and not me. But that’s just pride talking. You have walked away, regardless of how it ended. You haven’t begged him to take you back, you haven’t gone round there. I know you want closure and I know you want to feel like you’re the one in control and not him, but that’s only because he has made you depend on him and he has had all the control. He bigs you up, only so he can later use stuff against you and put you down. He pushes you away, then does enough making up to lure you back in. Everything has been on his say so and according to his whims and this leaves you feeling really disoriented! Hence why your brain is playing things over and over and wondering whether to pay attention to things he’s said about you in the past. You’re unsettled. You have been for a long time!

You cannot believe anything he said. People like this have an agenda and they deliberately leave you feeling this way as it makes their control over you stronger. My ex also used to tie me in knots trying to make sense of what he was saying as he would be complimentary one minute and scathing the next. I never knew if he was pleased with me or not. He would accuse me of stuff, then acknowledge he’d got things wrong, only to accuse me of the same stuff again the next day! I was left trying to defend myself against claims that had no foundation (apparently he shouldn’t need to prove anything and his “word” should be enough, otherwise I don’t trust him!!!). It’s a mind fuck. It’s on purpose.

You are not weak. You just need to allow yourself time to heal and get over this horrible experience. Just be glad it was only 9 months (and not 6 years like me!). You’re much stronger than you know. Don’t beat yourself up for the thoughts or lack of sleep which aren’t your fault. This is your nervous system’s physical and mental response to what you’ve been subjected to. You won’t even realise how bad it was until a few months down the road when everything is settled and you realise you don’t even think about him any more.

You’ve lost half a stone in 2 days?? I’d be going to the doctor because even not eating much in 2 days you shouldn’t lose that much!

@Bunkbed80
I think the people responding this morning had a lot of good advice
and as @dobedowaaaa said, it is sad to say get therapy, but just wanted to underline that people are saying that, not because anything is your "fault" but because you came up against as @Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely put it "a grade A c*."
You shouldn't be the one feeling stupid, ashamed, embarrassed. That nasty piece of work man should be feeling all of that.
You've been very brave reporting it. Because although it was a complex situation, and there was partial consent, that's on him, the nasty creep. I do think that it was rape because he took things too far and HE KNEW you did not want that. He's a cruel abusive man.
Also, don't tell yourself you are stupid. You were noticing things, about his initial facebook behaviour, how he went on and on about how confident you were about your appearance.. and his saying that he had to repeatedly encourage his ex about her appearance. I bet he bloody did. His comments noticing one of your confident points I think were stage one, before he began criticising it. I think he was actually jealous of you. He's a very dysfunctional creature and he envied your confidence, and so he immediately began chipping away.
But you noticed that.. and it's very easy to say Oh I should have ended it there,with hindsight, but that's only when you look back and add it all up that the pattern emerges.
And of course he had a horrible Iago "friend" - who was "influential" so you were'nt allowed to criticise him. They both sound as awful and miserable as each other. Thank goodness you won't ever have to spend any time with that awful auld eejit again. I hope the police gave you advice on protecting yourself and where you live. If not there's loads of suggestions on here.
You've had a lucky, lucky escape, but you have engineered that escape all on your own, you've told people, arranging support.. and that is the way forward. It's only natural that as you now have some peace, your brain is working overtime adding up and remembering. I think there is something in the idea not to overthink this and get some time for real life distractions. One step at a time x

I even took the batteries out the scales and put them back in because it was ridiculous. It’s been a bit longer than 2 days as I was unwell over the weekend too, also I am probably a bit dehydrated. But if it continues I will see a doctor as that’s not right.

I’ve had a better day actually. Finding it easier to think about what I want and need rather than his.

I’m going to go against the grain here and suggest that rather than something being wrong with you, you’re simply going through a break up and are heartbroken.

I’m not a psychologist, etc so usual caveat but you’ve had a quite a bad break up, and slowly coming to the realisation your relationship wasn’t that healthy. All of that is a hard blow and it’s not at all unusual or a bad reflection on you that you’re not eating, crying, fragile, etc. That’s all very normal after a breakup!

How are you doing today @Bunkbed80 ?

Op. How are you now? Was just wondering about you.