What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

Honestly OP, take it from someone who’s been there. It will only get worse.
This cycle will continue till he’s made you feel as small and worthless as possible and every time you forgive him he’s getting away with it.

Leave and don’t look back.

After 9 mths or shouldn't be this hard massive. Your clearly not happy so get away from him you will realise how vile he is when you don't see him

I'm going to bet on that he's a pretty shitty Dad too and the reason you're upset is because you were the one making nice halloween plans for his kids?
I'm guessing you know deep down that those kids wouldn't experience that stuff with just him ..that took your planning to make it happen.

Don't feel guilty or bad for this.
His kids are not your responsibility.

How you deserve to be treated is, though. And I'm glad you know not to put up with that.

Can you book nice weekends away with a friend instead, so that you still have some forward plans

I hate to break it to you but he isn’t thinking about your self-perception or qualities at all.

He’s doing whatever he wants regardless of what you want or need. He wants to not talk now, so he isn’t. When he wants to talk, he will, and will expect you to acquiesce when he’s ready.

Maybe he wants this to be the end too, so he doesn’t have to meet your family and be in a normal relationship and put faces to the people who would soon be telling you to leave his abuse.

I hope you’re safely out now.

In one last act of subtle defiance I sent his shitty message a big thumbs up. He uses this on his ex when she challenges him and he’s bragged about it lots of times as he likes to piss her off, so I gave him a taste of his own medicine.

Hahaha! Bloody good for you!

OP, I'm so pleased you got out- but like others, I really want you to start processing this as a lucky escape from an abuser, not a rejection to feel sad about.

That message from him is a very obvious attempt to take back some control because you've ended it. I'm as certain as PPs that he'll be back trying to win you round in due course. Please, please do block him because you are sounding quite vulnerable to this (though I know it's early days).

I think at your (our!) age, it's important to realise there are worse things than feeling someone doesn't want you. This is so hurtful when you're young because you can't yet contextualise it and you think it's all about you not being good enough. But you have much more life experience now, and you know people who behave this badly in relationships have significant issues of their own, which it's their responsibility to deal with and not yours.

I also agree with PPs who've said all the comments from his family and friends are actually quite worrying- sounds like he wasn't that nice to be around long before you came along.

The risk to be on the lookout for when you're ready to date again isn't rejection; it's being so frightened of rejection, or of being on your own, that you accept things you shouldn't.

Others on here have suggested counselling; it's up to you whether you think you need that (do you have a pattern of staying in bad relationships?) but please do really get to grips with this: the single biggest factor in your happiness is whether you really believe you deserve it, and act accordingly.

I’m just thought dumping really.

He had ordered all of us Halloween costumes from Amazon and I’d made fun plans with the kids. When I opened the door this morning the parcels were all soggy and wet on the doorstep. He was planning to get Halloween to revolve around a visit to the pub 🙄

He’s a good dad but liked me being around to help him. He’s not good to his ex I don’t think but he’s been going on about her being a narcissist for 9 whole months. I didn’t agree with him I don’t know her

When I said he was picking on me, I said this quite calmly and he exploded and said ‘so I’m controlling you I’m a monster am I’ and then started laughing at me and was frankly a bit scary. He also was storming around but I did shout back and call him a horrible dick but that’s the worst I said. Because I had said I find him irritating sometimes he lost his shit

I also remember the first time we had sex he had ED, but he laughed and pointed at the shape I had shaved my pubic hair so the next day I shaved it all off. He initially was keeping his tidy then just gave up a few weeks in. He pretty much did also give up on sex quite early on and would talk a lot about the sex he had with his ex. Last night he said his ex looked haggard now but was hot when he met her.

So so many red flags.

I know it doesnt feel like it and maybe a good sleep in your own bed will help give you clarity, its been a long night...

But you should be popping champagne today! You are free, you are safe, you no longer need to put up with what sounds like one of the worst people on the planet.

Stop thinking what did I do wrong and start thinking look what I did right!

@Iheartlibrarians he frames this that he was depressed as his last break up was so terrible. I was his first partner post break up so I was clearly the tester woman. Now he’s got his confidence back and I organised his kids wardrobe, I’m no longer required

Yes. His ego won’t be able to take all his friends and his mum saying he’s better with you!

All the “lovely” comments about you will have felt like them telling him he’s punching above his weight. Which he clearly was.

Enjoy your freedoms and wait for a man who likes you for who you are not what he can make you.

This is just him frantically protecting his ego x

Don't even know where to begin..... Get the hell out and don't look back. PLEASE!

My advice. Don't overthink what he's thinking of doing now.
Don't second guess yourself in this moving on and forward process.
You will drive yourself mad.
He sounds totally horrible and unhinged.

As for an apology my husband left yrs ago and I never got one or any acknowledgement.
Just thank yourself now for making the right decision.
It's going to be challenging but omg you'll slowly get relief.
Keep checking in here.

He laughed at your pubic hair? Wow, what a lovely man he is. Vile!!

My boyfriend has never laughed at any part of my body/hair/apperance. Because decent men don't do that.

He sounds spiteful, bitter and immature.

Please, please do not let anyone make you doubt yourself again.
If you are happy with how you've trimmed your bush...keep it that way!! The right man will love you whether it's tidy or overgrown.

Why on earth would you have wanted this abusive man to fight for this relationship?
It is not a relationship it is an abusive, awful drama and hate filled situation.
I am going to be blunt here because a good friend was with me once.
He is an unhinged alcoholic. He is an abusive prick. His poor ex is probably wondering when you will cop for the same abuse she got.
When close people start saying ‘you are so good for him’ to be quite frank they just hope you can fix him.
When the dust has settled you have to ask why you have put up with this for months on end? You seem to so want to make future plans. You want a partner you can create a life with and we’re trying to shovel this awful man into the role.
Why would you be willing to have sex with this man at all when he is drunk, abusive, imitated you in an awful way, been racist?
Why take him to meet your family? He’s acted out because he doesn’t want to.
A man of his age poking his partner’s hormonal cysts is vile.
Right now you are analysing him and it’s a waste of time. He is an abusive alcoholic.
What you need to do is look at what led you here and why last night you were desperately trying to mend things?
I had to learn why and when I did it changed my life.
Right now he’s got a hangover and these texts are dramatic. But when he’s had time he will try to reel you back in for practical purposes. Stop talking so badly about yourself - so what if he tries to meet someone new? He will just abuse them.
Get back to your own life and start looking at your own health. Drinking in old man pubs is a lonely waste of your time.
You have to ask yourself - why did I put up with it and why did I want to fix things with this monster?
You are far better then this.
And block him today on every channel.

This - it’s the booze. It’s over.

Not sad at all and come on woman grow up and read and re read your post many times, hes a controlling POS ,.just leave block and dont look back and stop ignoring red flags in relationships

Remember that you ended it with him (for extremely good reason). His response is designed to make you feel that he's actually way ahead of you and you've been discarded, he's trying to turn the tables. Don't forget how this has actually played out.

I know and your posts are all really helping me honestly, it’s just the first time I’ve actually admitted to some of these things to anyone.

Some of it I just put down to getting to know someone and he’s stuck in his ways. He also can be so lovely. I’ve felt uneasy about his relationship with alcohol since we met but he talks about it a lot, that he’s just having fun, he is cutting down, doesn’t need it, and I took this at face value but now I can see it’s an issue.

I also was invested in a future because he was so excited to build one with me. I suppose for the last few weeks I’ve felt ‘not enough’ and been trying harder to make myself enough for him but he’s an angry dark man, no one is enough for him and his fear of being lonely and old will come true, he once said he just plans to enjoy himself and doesn’t want to get old. He is quite damaged by losing his dad, so I felt empathy for him. And he really seemed to want to live a nice calm stable and happy life, and he’s made ME feel like I’ve brought him chaos and stress, whilst on the other hand love bombing me I’m the best partner he’s ever had

I am angry at myself in all honesty, I’ve been swept up in love bombing I suspect and it’s messed with my mind

Yep! Every dog we've ever owned loved a play fight.

Don't be angry. We are supposed to trust people we get together with - he's abused that trust. He's the one at fault.
Put it down to an experience, one that you'll hopefully never go through again. Take care OP, be kind to yourself, go do some nice things, see friends - you'll be ok.

Be wary about blaming the alcohol. He will come grovelling and telling you he will stop drinking entirely.
What happens next is that you become the alcohol police. You'll be on edge every day fearing that he will drink. He'll resent you and that'll be the next source of issues, you don't want him to have 'fun'.
I echo everyone else's advice here, just block him. You don't need to speak to him again.

OP, I am so relieved that you are out of this relationship. I had to read all your comments to make sure. I’m in a hurry but once I’d seen your first post I couldn’t do anything till I’d checked you’re now a safe distance away from him! Please don’t ever let him near you again. He’s a nightmare.

OP you may have been good for him, but he's not good for you. Since you met him you are drinking a lot more, vaping and not exercising. A partner should enhance your life, not destroy it. He will likely come grovelling, when he wants sex or another pie! But please, for your own mental and physical health, do not return to this toxic relationship. Today is day one of your detox - mark it on the calendar, throw the vape away and get out for a walk or to the gym.