What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

This just gets worse.
You have had a truly awful experience and you are well rid of him.

If he contacts you ( he will ) just read this thread again. Your own posts where you describe his behaviour will probably be enough to confirm what a git he is.

Sending strength.

A Clare's Law disclosure would help any women he goes out with in the future.
Do press SEND on your application.
I'm so sorry he sexually assaulted you @Bunkbed80

I sent my Clares law application and spoke to a helpline and got some advice. On my application I said ex partner I was worried about ongoing contact or risk of getting back into the relationship in the future

as to be honest I am struggling with no contact today although my rational mind knows why.

the helpline sent me some links

Not being rude but you might need to detox if you were drinking more than normal when you were with him. Alcohol does muck up your sleep and the low mood when hungover gives you rambling thoughts. Honestly, I’m not being a puritan, I like a drink, but I would properly get it out of system. Also, may or may not be helpful but I sleep better if I listen to audible or similar on phone and set a timer. For some reason it stops all the weird thoughts on a loop. IYKWIM.

No I am ok. I was drinking too much though but I stepped this back a while ago. The weekend was some binge drinking but it’s not been as regular as it once was with him.

So I get drunk quickly on not much, and want to go to sleep if I get too drunk, which was an issue for him as he can drink 10+ pints and more on a night out until he’s incoherent and passes out. So he always felt that I was ruining his fun by stopping, slowing down or wanting to go home or doing something embarrassing.

He would keep buying drinks even if I didn’t want them to keep the night going, which I couldn’t drink and just left them, but then complain about me being drunk. He would even then buy more drink on the way home.

I did speak to him about this lots of times and said he wasn’t looking out for me, so he created this mini version of a piss up which was to go out at 4/5pm, drink for 3 hours then go home, have food, drink more, pass out, but this was only actually successful and fun once or twice and he could never recreate it, because he would drink so much in the 3 hours, get moody, and I would be bloated and tired or other people would turn up and he would extend the night till closing time.

I would have stopped even trying to drink ages before that point and lost interest in carrying on. Then he would be annoyed if I asked to go home or let him stay without me.

He goes out 3-4 nights a week sometimes, or all weekend, and 3 day holiday lads benders, and will be in the pub 4-11 and get totally wrecked, but then get up at 5am and go to work. I didn’t join in most of the time, I had limited it to weekends only because I was gaining weight and felt like shit with hangovers. On holiday he drank every day I didn’t, and I would stop a lot earlier than him.

As I said he joined us to a gym but then would find reasons not to go because he wanted a date night instead (to go to the pub)

Sometimes he would want to go out for dinner and those were much nicer times, really fun and not as much drinking.

It also depended on the company we were out with and the location, alone or in certain company he was the best most loving fun person I’ve ever met.

One night on holiday he was in a weird mood, drunk, he made me go into this horrible bar I said can I have a water, I have heartburn, he said no, I said I wasn’t drinking, he said I wasn’t fun so I tried to drink a pint, he had the rest, I felt sick he then took the piss out of me the whole way home ‘bloating isn’t real’ weirdness only girls get this it’s imaginary all kinds of stuff.

I do not know why he was so fixated on me being his drinking companion, he has other options like friends.

His first ex doesn’t drink so he always went out without her, and his second ex was more into it until they had kids, so he was out without her too. For some reason he wanted me to come even though it started ending badly. In hindsight I should have started going home more often perhaps but this was bound to happen one day sooner or later

He’s an alcoholic OP and he’s clearly on a downward spiral.
I know you are trying to analyse him and look for answers but with an active alcoholic there is no normalcy. They are unpredictable, mean and selfish.
These nights out sound like hell.
Sometimes with a person like this you almost feel you want to look after them. But they cannot be helped, sadly. The pie will mean nothing.
He will continue to self destruct and he’s at an age now where he will struggle to keep juggling things.
He will only change - and it’s rare - if he reaches rock bottom and decides to act. But that’s not for you to be around.
Al-Anon are really helpful. You don’t need to still be with the person but I can guarantee if you shared some of your story there, nobody would be shocked.
Active drinkers like him are dangerous. They don’t do apologies, they don’t do real care. They arrange their lives around drink.

@Bunkbed80, you really need to repair whatever it is in you that makes you eager to bend, twist and change yourself to please someone. Are you like this with everyone, or only boyfriends?

This guy's an horrific bully as well as an alcoholic, but pleasers attract bullies as reliably as magnets attract iron. You're turning yourself inside out to analyse why he did this and that, but the simpler truth is he did it because he gets a kick out of watching a woman harm herself at his command.

Thank goodness your self-preservation instinct's still in there somewhere. You noticed when he 'turned', which was when he felt secure enough in your devotion to start ramping up the abuse. You misinterpreted this as him losing romantic interest, but you did see it. And you had enough self respect to leave after his sustained abuse and rape yesterday night.

You're likely to keep exposing yourself to this type of abuse unless you recognise this aspect of your character and take serious steps to build your sense of your own worth and of deserving a happy, mutually trusting and respectful relationship that brings you joy without pain.

The way to do this is with therapy. You can start now, though, by thinking about this and looking at your motives instead of his. What was your life like growing up? Maybe your dad was a bully and your mum a pleaser, or perhaps your caregivers were detached so the child you were tried constantly to make them happy. It'd be interesting to hear your thoughts.

I’ve got a therapists number from a friend today

@GarlicEverything Yes basically this guy was a carbon copy of my dad. He is so similar to him sometimes it made me feel weird. Even things he said like phrases or a tone, I would get this weird flash of my dad.

He is the one who got me reconnected with my estranged dad and we was meant to be visiting this weekend, entirely at my exes whole instigation, not mine, but he’s backed out of it and I don’t want to go alone, because my dad is…. an alcoholic womanising manipulator.

When I met this guy he was ‘all about his kids’ and how they were his whole world. I think I saw this as so appealing, this lovely happy man who loved his family and was fun. He is attractive, I was overwhelmingly attracted to him, almost intoxicatingly. He is also the most soppy loving dad to his children, it’s entrancing being around him in that mood. He’s so patient, never gets cross with them, is always happy and relaxed around them. When they are not there he switches.

Worse still I had got out of an emotionally damaging relationship and he knew this, and took me under his wing and gave me protection and support, telling me I could be myself around him and life would be great again. He sold me his traumatic relationship and missing his dad etc.

The police called me about my CL (to discuss next steps) and due to what I wrote on it they have referred it to local police who will call me about what happened, but I don’t think I want to take it further.

He's an out and out alcoholic @Bunkbed80 and I agree with @PetulaGordeno 's post. If your father was also an alcoholic,then you might find it very helpful to talk to Al Anon.
It sounds like there are several threads you need to follow when you are up to it. Dealing with alcoholic people in your life, dealing with bullies, and coercive partners... so that you can find strategies to recognise and protect yourself. I say coercive, but it sounds as though he's completely lost control of his own behaviour.
As @GarlicEverything said.. Thank goodness your self preservation instinct was working, and it meant that despite all the love bombing and confusing love/hate behaviour you still managed to start seeing through the mask.
Well done on being brave and strong enough to send the Claire's Law.
I also thought @SevenYellowHammers advice about listening to podcasts or audio books on a timer when you are trying to sleep was a good idea, as it helps you break a circle of thoughts and distracts you. It's not surprising you are upset. Your friend sounds kind and helpful. I'm glad you have someone to confide it.I think you should tell the police or womens aid about the way he assaulted you.

OP, I’ve just caught up on your latest posts and I’m really shocked.

This man sounds dangerous.

Strongly advise you to seek professional advice on domestic abuse/sexual assault, including your options/what’s likely to happen on reporting to the police. And your options on keeping yourself safe from this man, e.g. by blocking.

I suggest Rights of Women: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/call-our-advice-lines/.

While we’re all here to support you, we’re strangers on the internet and you shouldn’t rely on anyone’s advice, however well-meaning.

You’re clearly at a very vulnerable point and need independent legal advice and support, given what you’ve disclosed and how it’s affecting you. You need more than links. You also need specialist therapy to process, which you may be able to access free via specialist agencies.

he is clearly seething about everything and has horrible sex with me (this is stuck in my mind so badly I think ultimately it’s my saving grace to never go back)

Sex can be used as a form of aggression OP, and that's what happened.

Similarly, he enjoys making you squirm emotionally. (Which, unfortunately, you are still doing, but you will get over that I am sure.)

If you want a simple explanation, he's a sadist.

Ok so the police called me and logged this under coercive control. They will call me again in a week or 2 when they decide what action to take but I signed I didn’t support further action as I want this to go away and be done with him but maybe one day it could help another woman

It did take a while to go over it all about the sex incident and I did confirm I consented, but I felt coerced into what happened and coerced into not pushing back at him that I didn’t like it. I felt degraded and violated and it was rough and unpleasant and aggressive but it wasn’t non consensual as such.

Well done OP, that is a great step to have taken. You have helped other women who may encounter him in the future

I do hope you’ll treat yourself to lots of comforting things, OP.

Beauty treatments, nice candles, walks in nature, weekend lunches with friends, exhibitions, a good book, box sets etc. Buy yourself flowers 💐

I'm so proud of you, OP, you have done the right thing.

Be very very kind to yourself these next few days.

OMG . This is a violent dangerous man . I fear you must have serious self esteem issues to not comprehend how unacceptable everything you have told us about especially the sex. Hope you do get some counselling to explain and overcome this . Please please never have any contact again with this guy . He is evil .

I felt degraded and violated and it was rough and unpleasant and aggressive but it wasn’t non consensual as such.

Of course. Except that if you'd known what you were letting yourself in for, you would have fled.

This is how nutters like him operate I'm afraid OP. Well done for stepping back from it.

Some years ago my friends daughter reported a taxi driver for his behaviour, but she had no interest in being a part of a prosecution.

12 months later the police called her and said that they had another similar complaint and this person was going to go forward with her complaint.
They told her that her complaint being on record meant it was flagged immediately.
She was asked would she give a fuller statement, which she did.
He was charged and convicted, and several other women then came forward too when the papers named him.

You are really brave.
This information really does other women.
Be kind to yourself.

As I mentioned before, speaking from lived experience, I do think you should start proper therapy, and I think this should be with an experienced psychotherapist, not just a counsellor. There is a lot of armchair psychology on this thread and you yourself have been analysing a lot of his behaviours but I think you need to talk about YOUR thoughts, feelings and behaviours with an objective professional. Of course there will be links back to your own upbringing, your father, your previous dysfunctional relationships - but you need to go over all this properly and go through a full therapeutic process rather than doing some analysis and thinking you can just move on. Please arrange this for yourself OP.

Massive well done for speaking to the police. That was courageous of you

Yes, good comment.

I am going to get some kind of therapy that’s in the works.

Day 2 of no contact completed and I have no desire to contact him myself but I am still actively addicted to wanting him to contact me.

My feelings? I’m ashamed and feel humiliated and stupid. I feel like an idiot and worthless.

I must have some pride and confidence still remaining because this is main thing he continually remarked upon that I had, and in hindsight he seemed surprised about my confidence sometimes, he would ask me why I never looked in the mirror a lot, why I never asked him if I looked nice, why I just got dressed quickly and always looked good, I never asked for reassurance or fished for a compliment, and commented a lot on how I would make a friendly conversation with absolutely anyone and wasn’t shy or insecure. At the time I just responded I don’t know, why? And he said his ex was always expecting him to tell her what she should wear and spend hours in the mirror.

That he had no confidence to talk to new people and would struggle in new social situations but I never did, he said he often couldn’t believe how quickly I could form a warm rapport with someone. That I could light up a room and get everyone’s attention but not be aware of it, and have no ego about this, and how I was naturally attractive to others without trying too hard, how I was a nice kind person who was too trusting and let others take advantage of me.

I actually called out instinctively one of his closest friends who I quickly got an intense reaction as a truely horrible man. I told my BF I did not like this person he had terrible energy, and I didn’t like being around him he was cruel and mean and he didn’t bring out the best in my BF. My BF did put some distance between this friendship and reduced socialising with him, but I would always know they had talked and this friend was in his ear because his friend would very openly put me down in the old man pub, however I always stood up to him and spoke back and corrected him when he was being awful. BF used to hate this because he said this friend was too influential to piss off, and he started to warn me I wasn’t allowed to ever slag him off to others so if someone said ‘do you like X’? I had to hold my tongue on it but sometimes I would slip up and say, no he’s awful. This guy had a reputation for being absolutely awful to people so he wasn’t very well liked by others at all.

He did often tell me my nice qualities but I notice he had started to chip away at them, as this is so early on I did notice, I felt like shit and I called him out why he was doing this on Sunday, it was part of why we argued so much. I said if he loved me why was he putting me down. It’s partly why he exploded at me.

I am kind of hoping that I have enough of a basis to get this back, that I have been an unfortunate unwitting victim of a very clever love bomber but I cottoned on quickly, I’m trying not to focus on that I’m so broken I would fall for any old flannel, that I am completely blind to faults of men or my own instincts. I did get sucked in but I had a solid few months of subtle love bombing before his mask slipped and he’s fooled others, not just me.

One of the last things I recall saying to him before he slammed the door one me was about his addiction to Facebook. I had brought up that evening that he often makes me feel lonely in his company as he spends a lot of time looking at other people’s lives on Facebook, he is on it first thing in the morning, during watching TV, last thing at night while I just sit or lie there waiting for him to come back to me so I had said ‘you can enjoy looking at Facebook as much as you like now, instead of connecting with the real people in your life’. I know if was a dig but it will have maybe hit a nerve, who knows

I think it’s very important here that you do not start blaming yourself (or letting others blame you) for what you’re experiencing here which looks very much like a trauma bond.

Just like with alcohol, drugs etc a trauma bond works because your brains survival and reward systems have been triggered and rewired by continual cycles of cortisol release (stress - abuse phase of the cycle) and then relief from cortisol and oxytocin release (the hoovering/breadcrumbing/making up phase of the cycle)

Its going to take some time for those systems to reset themselves - and the only way to do that is to remove the thing driving the cycles and fill the space left with other healthy things that also activate the reward and survival systems in a positive way (in this case the removal of piece of shit who did this to you)