What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

"Usually he is reasonable to some degree even when he’s annoyed with me..."

I have skimmed through all your posts OP.

Read this back to yourself, if you are tempted to go back to him. "Usually he is reasonable" - usually?!

I don't see why you'd stay there in his spare room? Go back to your own house.

I find it remarkable that someone would date someone who constantly treats them so appallingly. Why didn't you leave him the first time he lied that you were an embarrassment? That's the biggest red flag going.

You said you won’t block him, but honestly I would. He had this with his ex and he kept reeling her back in, only to split again so he has form for recycling partners. I would block him and move on. If not, he will be back in touch a week down the line as frankly he is a bit unhinged.

Ah OP it is horrible to be dumped even by a nutter like your ex. I had one of those once, grade A certified psycho, a very damaged individual. I couldn't see it until much later. It hurt like hell for what felt like ages, it was only a few months.
Don't expect to be fine immediately just do whatever you need to do to get through this bit. Chocolate and crap TV helped me, wine didnt. In the end exercise helped most I think and getting out and about.
You won't want to do much this week I guess and thats ok.
Best of luck.

Op, you have not 'been discarded' you have escaped! Well Done x

I’m glad you left but I think you should block him. I bet he’ll message you when he’s drunk, maybe not right away but soon. Plus if you’ve no intention of talking to him or seeing him again why not block him? There is no benefit to you in not doing so.

This man is a very nasty headfuck.

With respect did you honestly think he’d apologise to you after you dumped him!?He’s a c*nt and he wants you blaming yourself and crying on the floor.

His mum and friends know exactly what he’s like, and that he was very lucky to have you. They’ll know he’s blown it big time (again), just like he did with his wife.

Don’t cry over him, with time you’ll realise you’ve had a very very lucky escape.

'Discarded' is exactly how he wants you to feel.

He is hoping you'll reply to his text agreeing to end things with a request for more understanding of 'why'. If he manages to reel you back in you will have passed one of his first tests: 'how far can I go and what levels if mistreatment is she willing to accept'.

Make no bones about it - everything you have described is the process by which an abuser entraps their partner. Take it from those who know.

Stay far away from this man.

I'm going to say this gently OP but you need to hear it:

You're trying to argue that he's been trying "to get rid" of you for a while instead of just ending it because it's what he wants...

Do you want this?! Someone who continuously pushes your boundaries and manipulates you?! Just checking you don't pick your spots - you're a grown woman and you know how to handle your skin, you don't need a man who has known you for a few months to belittle you like this. It is NOT a case that you weren't too much for him; he saw your kindness and confidence and exploits it to see how far he can manipulate you to what he wants you to be. And putting you down and never being happy with whatever you do is a tactic to make sure you won't leave.

I'd put money on if you decided to end it when he didn't instigate it, he would have said something approximating "but who would want you, you're embarrassing and you've got spots".

He is PATHETIC. Block the loser and don't allow him back in. The fact that he derailed plans for the gym and gets ratarsed on "date nights" speaks volumes. He'd suck the life out of you. Count this as a blessing and move on.

Also the fact that his friends and family are surprised you're so nice, found a keeper etc says that even they are surprised that he's managed to find someone so nice and kind as you to put up with his shit. He's not worth this.

What a dick…. Why are you even bothering!!!

Good lord what a lucky escape. Did you really want that to be your life? Going to dreary old man pubs and walking on egg shells? I would’ve walked away at the spot thing, I get hormonal cysts like you, and DH has never once commented even when it’s been bad. That wasn’t normal or a wind up, he was trying to shake your confidence. He knew you were swithering to leave/would leave eventually due to his behaviour so got in there first, but he’s done you a favour.

OP, I know you’re hurt because abuse hurts.

But try to reframe your thinking. You discarded him, remember. You’re incompatible because he’s abusive and you won’t tolerate men who are abusive. No woman with any self-worth would.

Hold your head high. You discarded him. Because he’s an a-hole.

Don’t reply to him. At all. Whatever he says.

Well done op. He sounds awful, you’ve done the right thing.

Gently, OP, I think you would benefit from therapy with someone good, and a specific focus on your thought patterns and beliefs around relationships, and your self-esteem. The most disturbing thing on this thread is not his horrifying behaviour, but the fact that you’re still focused on what you seem to see as his ‘humiliating’ rejection of you.

Oh OP, the only thing you've done wrong is let him break up with you rather than kicking him to the curb months ago when he first started this behaviour. You're feeling rejected and needing the lovebombing that he's got you used to.

He sounds like an extremely unstable character who will only make your life worse. You made a classy exit and now you can be a little sad but don't get sucked into needing this man's validation. You absolutely don't need it and he should be embarassed by his behaviour. Please hold you head high and move on...he's not for you and you know that. You don't need to fix someone...it's such a weird backhanded compliment to have changed someone, or given them their confidence back...you need someone who is already the person they are supposed to be.

Get yourself back to being you - healthy lifestyle, gym routine, balanced diet...get your confidence and self-esteem back up. And learn from this experience - you don't need to take abuse or be controlled by anyone. You do not need a man, you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Not this.

This is the first time he’s ever been this horrible to me to this degree.

But he's still horrible to you often. Arguing when drunk? Saying you embarrass him? Picking on your spots? What a unpleasant man. Please take a breather, stay split up and hopefully some self-esteem will come back to you and you can see him for what he is - an outright bully. He's wearing you down.

And, just to say, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. If you want to play fight with a dog then play fight with a dog!! You're an adult, you can chose what you want to do.

He's being like this now because you've moved some stuff in, he feels comfortable enough knowing you're "on the hook" now to show you who he really is.

He's training you to want to resolve conflict so that you'll always back down, apologise etc even when you're not in the wrong.

He's an abuser.

You need to stop giving this so much headspace.

You ended it & he has agreed.

Why would he now apologise/fight for you?

Hopefully it will remain as it is-a clean break without him trying to draw you back in.

I’m very tired as I’ve been up half the night and had a horrible experience, so I may be feeling slightly melodramatic as it felt like my relationship and self esteem fell apart in one night, after probably the very best day we have ever spent together. It was the nicest day and we were really happy.

No one has ever spoken to me like that before even when angry so I am processing so many things at once. He’s been picking on me but it’s all very subtle not obvious so it’s not like I’ve had 9 months of this.

We had 3 weekends away booked, parts are in my booking and some are in his, so some I’ve paid half for but now can’t go, I can’t ask him for anything so will be writing them off or trying to cancel them

plus I’ve had to haul half my wardrobe back home and log on for work this morning

I am also recalling other things that I didn’t put in my OP, that at the time I was focusing on other things as it was a very confusing and stressful experience. Before we had the big argument when we got home (but after the dog incident) we were making food and he got out more alcohol. I knew if he drank more we wouldn’t have sex and he tends to withhold sex from me, and I was in ‘repair mode’ so I came onto him. He did have sex with me but it was rough and a bit degrading, more than usual, and he asked me to do something I didn’t want to do, and I said no. He then stopped and we got food then 10 mins later, a huge row broke out, which I think he started as I had let things go and wanted to move on

Try, really hard, to find your anger instead of sadness and disappointment.

Think about what an asshole he is and how he has ruined the relationship. Think "your loss" because it is his loss. Really try not to do that female thing of trying to make it all right. Focus on him and not you. What he’s done wrong. How he is a jerk. How he’s sabotaged the relationship. Him. Not you.

Consider whether you need to work on tolerating discomfort and anxiety when experiencing uncomfortable feelings. Are you an appeaser trying to smooth away discomfort for yourself and others? Doing so often comes from childhood family dynamics.

He is utterly vile and he doesn't even like you..
Stay away from this man, be your biggest advocate and stay away from him and do not give into the pleading he will do in a little while to get you back because he's an abuser. He is disgusting.

Focus on self-care for now.

You'll need some time to process this whole horrible experience.

Tell that to my poodle and her play bow! She loves nothing more than one of us coming down to floor level and pretending to snatch her paws etc 😁

I reckon he will get lonely and try to reel you back in, give it a few days. Block him on everything. He hates you. Move on and dont look back. Hes a loser

This is how covert narcissists can control you subtly; having a great day but then intentionally ruining it, chipping away at your confidence, getting you comfortable and then making sure you're uncomfortable, pushing boundaries etc. It's so he always stays in control of your emotions.

You escaped. Never speak to or entertain him again.