What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

Glad you have left. Its not petty to block him. Its better not to hear from him at all, then you can get on and meet someone who will really love and not bully you.
Well done for leaving and stay like that.
He will try to get in touch as you say his ex and him kept splitting up and getting back together. Don't be a yo yo.

Well done @Bunkbed80.

This man is abusive. He picks on your insecurities, tells you what to do on front of others, mocks you, dismisses and invalidates you letting him know how his behaviour has made you feel.

And, apparently, he’s more abusive when he’s been drinking.

Hold your head high. You know your worth. You can do better than this man.

Don’t be drawn back into an argument with him.

You’ve ended it. Don’t waste any more of your precious time on him,.

Thank goodness you're out and have all your stuff (except the bloody pie!) he sounds like he has a drinking problem and alcohol unlocks his nastiness and abusiveness. This won't be the last you hear from him, he will try to come grovelling when sober and regretful or he may even hurl more abuse at you when he's next drunk....protect yourself from this by blocking him and never responding to another message from him regardless. Protect your peace you are lucky to be out of it now x

Well done OP hope you are having a nice breakfast before work, don’t get drawn into his texts/calls that are bound to come next.

Please don’t blame yourself OP. Thats exactly what he wants - to make you second guess yourself.

He’s showing his true colours now. Men like him do this once they feel they’ve secured you.

If you stay, it will get worse, not better. You can’t change or fix him. If you stay, you’re showing him you’ll put up with this behaviour and he’ll continue and ramp it up.

Men like him are insecure and avoidant, and totally unable to acknowledge their own emotions. Everything will always be your fault. He will wear you down, you will start to question yourself, you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to fix it.

The way he’s behaved is unforgivable. Don’t let him think otherwise.

Don't worry about the weekend away at the moment. Alcohol can bring out the absolute worst in people, especially if they are already volatile. Your boyfriend clearly likes a drink, but what is also very obvious, is that he's a 'mean' drunk. You're his metaphoric 'punch bag'...he likes to embarrass, scold and belittle you, to keep you in your place. He does this when sober, but it's likely more subtle but when he's had a few to drink, that behaviour ramps up.

Your boyfriend is abusive. The best you can do for yourself is to take all your belongings, when you leave this morning and end the relationship. If the weekend away is in his name, then give him the money for your share of the weekend accommodation booking. It's then up to him if he uses the booking or loses it. Tell your family that you won't be bringing him as you've realised he's an abusive twat. Don't go on the weekend away with him!

Alcohol just removes the brakes. He’s shown you who he is. Look up narcissistic traits and DARVO.

My advice is get out.

9 months?
This should be 'honeymoon' he sounds like a nasty piece of work and you should have higher standards.
you need to dump and move on otherwise this won't change.

Well this is exactly what he would say to me so at least you both agree would you like his number he’s single now

As is so often the case, the first post nails it. Definitely time to leave the relationship. So very sorry OP. Hope you have good support from friends / family. 💐

Well done for leaving and breaking it off. The hard part now will be staying away. Because I'm willing to bet he will pull out the stops to get you back (remember how he managed to persuade his ex back multiple times? He has form).
After a day or so, you will remember the good times, the plans you have with him, that it's 'only when he's drunk' and be at risk of being persuaded that if he doesn't drink it'll be OK.
But it will only be OK until the next time he wants a drink, then it will happen again, and escalate. Because when he's drunk, he has no respect for you, he doesn't even see you as a person. You are just a place to vent his anger and spite.
Don't ever think the good times with a man are worth episodes of appalling behaviour. You can have good times without abuse punctuating it.
My advice would be to block him now. Don't give him any way in. And tell as many people who care about you that its over, and exactly why, so that if your resolve starts to weaken, there are people who'll support you and give you a sense check.
Good luck. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope your future is better.

Well done on recognising the cycle of abuse and leaving. @Sassylovesbooks has it exactly right - he's a mean drunk and you're his punching bag. Don't worry about him or what he might think. It doesn't matter. You're free.

Glad you got out of his place. No contact would now be best.

There were indeed many red flags. Including how he spoke about his ex and that his friends & acquaintances commented on him seeming happier since meeting you (which seems positive but was likely a bad sign about him). Then the initial nastiness when drinking.

It’d have been better if you’d ‘seen’ and ended it sooner. If you have good friends it’d be good to go over the earlier red flags & reflect.

Would work on your ‘shark cage’ before dating again.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM, AND DONT GO BACK

HE WILL SLOWLY RUIN YOUR LIFE.

IT WILL GET EVEN HARDER TO LEAVE

HE IS ABUSIVE. YOUR WORRIED THOUGHTS ARE ALARM BELLS, LISTEN!!!!!!!!!

She did.

I’m at a McDonald’s drive through but I’ve not got much of an appetite.

I had given up vaping until I met him (for 2 years!) and didn’t drink very often, I had a healthy lifestyle. He was constantly talking about us maintaining a healthy lifestyle but this is only important to him when he’s trying to find a girlfriend I think because since he met me he’s drunk loads in the name of date nights and having fun and gained a ton of weight, we joined a gym, despite me trying to get back to the gym he would always derail our plans to go somehow at the last minute.

I can’t assume I know what he will think or do, but I assume he will either just agree we aren’t compatible for his own pride, or he will make out like I’m over reacting. He also said something even worse to me before I went to bed which was a racial slur about my ex and that was pretty awful.

I don’t know why I am so bothered about what he’s going to tell other people but maybe I take some comfort that I dont think he’s going to be able to easily pass me off as some crazy mental woman, seen as literally every single person I’ve met who knows him tells me he’s changed, I’m good for him, I’m a keeper, I’m lovely etc. even his mum yesterday said this to him, plus last week we went out with his friends and the next day they text him omg she’s lovely.

I know but he will be back with gifts this weekend. You are vulnerable to this type of man.

Read ‘women who love too much’ today. He will be back. Don’t make a huge mistake with your life here. He is going to ruin it and you are weak to this.

I genuinely don’t think he will be back I think he knows he’s gone too far.

No he will be back and he will bring gifts and tell you you are meant to be together. He will say his previous experiences has made him wary of women and he took it out on you.

insert promises
insert lies
he will try to get you back and next time he will go further

Please don’t fall for it, it’s a web.

This is quite disturbing to read, I’m glad you got the hell out of there. To go back would make this your life on repeat - let him find someone else to treat like shite. It’s a shame you didn’t have time to lift the lid & spit in the pie. Good luck, your happy ending is still to come and it’s not with this loser x

He’s a wanker.

Also, no dog ‘wants’ to play fight.

I’d high five you right now for that comeback! Well done OP I didn’t see the signs with my ExH and it took 19 years to realise it wasn’t me it was him! You can do so much better. Get a dog!

Please stay right away from OP, he sounds potentially abusive. Who care what he and his friends might say.
Separately, maybe you should consider if you might have a drink problem, but if you do, it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

If you’re going for a ‘tough love’ approach here, you’re way off course. Minimising the actions of an abuser, whilst victim blaming is not a good look for anyone.