What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

You both have a problem with alcohol. Him, obviously, but you are not capable of caring for yourself when drunk. You make poor decisions.
Make a sober, informed, decision to split up.

Be warey and sober enough to observe how any new bf behaves when alcohol is involved.

He sounds absolutely vile, as soon as you are able leave and don’t let him talk you around, he’ll never change, it’ll get worse.

I’m also in camp “just get out of the house with all your stuff asap and drive out of view” even if it’s just around the corner and then get a taxi.
If it’s expensive it’s money well spent

Again you are hoping and also taking it that if he decided to chat to you, that all is okay again, and things must carry on, or the thing of you trying to chat and sort things out, you don’t need to do any of it, you need to get out of there and that is the end of it. All the up’s and down’s, it’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

Everyone’s right, love. He’s turned.

Normal relationships aren’t like this. Even not-that-great relationships. No drama, he’s just not very nice.

The earlier you leave, the earlier you can get home and start to recover. Look after yourself.

It’s deeply concerning that you’re giving the remotest thought to how he might feel! He’s a wanker with significant drink and anger issues, and a sideline in ongoing cruel personal remarks, and you’re clearly vulnerable. Get out of there as soon as you safely can, and have absolutely no further contact.

I am out of the house, I’m in my car in a lay by. I slammed the front door on my way out I just felt this rise of anger at the time, but it’s gone now I mostly feel shaky and weird. I could have done a lot worse but I do want to keep my dignity. I made him a really lovely pie yesterday it took me ages, when he was being nasty last night he said I suppose you will take your fucking pie with you as well, at this point I knew what level of petty he was expecting from me and I wouldn’t sink that low although I had an urge to put washing up liquid on it, then I would be as bad as him.

He had already told me his ex was constantly leaving and moving out (and taking the kids) to hurt him but now I can see she probably had no choice because who wants to put up with that, it probably wasn’t even him who ended things with her I don’t believe anything he’s ever said anymore tbh.

There was loads of red flags and I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I suppose now he has another ‘crazy ex’ story to tell everyone. All his friends and family telling me he had changed for the better since he met me, was just an act it seems

Well done. Now protect yourself by blocking him.

OP, respectfully, you seem to be still hoping for an apology and seem as though you would want to continue with the relationship if he did! Your priorities are all over the place. Forget about the creaky floorboards! I hope you have already left, but please don’t date again while your bar and self-esteem are this low.

Criss-posted with you. Good that you’re out. Now block him and don’t have any further contact, no matter if he shows up at your door saying you’re the love of his life. And stay single for a while.

I’ve also sent him a break up text to be clear on the matter. I’m not a petty blocker because I don’t need to. I’m not going to go back because I can’t trust him anymore and he clearly thinks so low of me

@HowTheLight no I didn’t want him to come talk to me I panicked when I thought he might and was relived he didn’t actually. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel but this confirmed it. But also I am not going to tolerate him leading me into petty retaliation and he would definitely assume me crashing about at 5am was trying to get his attention.

He is No Good. It’s not just this latest incident, you have described lots of separate problems before this.

There is zero point trying to fix this relationship, and it would only get worse with time. He’s a nasty drunk, he picks on you and makes you feel small, there is nothing to save.

Well done @Bunkbed80. Please dont go back to him. Your description of him sounds horrific but you are constantly making excuses for him. Don't do this, hes a nasty, abusive bully and things will never change with him. Imagine the stress of being like this for the rest of your life, walking on eggshells every time you have a drink. Sounds like hes a nasty twat when hes sober as well, the comments about your skin. This would just get worse and worse the longer you stay. I bet his ex had an absolute dogs life. Be grateful you got out early .

Christ op run away from this man!!!
this isn’t at all what a normal relationship is like!!

He sounds about 12!!!!! And abusive at that.

I can’t think of anything worse than feeling I had to fit into this sort of dysfunctional lifestyle OP and just think please of the effect this will be having on your health. This type of drinking and drama is bad enough in our 20’s but around perimenopause- forget it.
This guy has major issues regarding both alcohol and relationships and he sounds horrible. You deserve better!!!!

You’re still giving what he might think far too much weight — you are the only important person here. It is not ‘petty’ to block an ex who has behaved profoundly unpleasantly to you, and has significant alcohol problems, especially when you are clearly vulnerable. Neither would it be ‘petty” to take home your pie, or to inconvenience him by creaking his floorboards as you leave!

Well done for leaving. I assume at some point he'll be in touch to try to talk you round to coming back to him. You really need to get your head straight as to what you want and what you will say/do. It seems very unlikely that his fundamental unkindness can or will ever change.

I dont think the op needs this meanness dressed as faux concern this morning. Shame on you

God he sounds completely vile, you've definitely dodged a bullet. Feel sorry for his ex having to deal with that alongside having kids with him!

OP, if you read your post, but imagine your friend was telling you it all…what would you tell her??? This man is a gaslighting narcissist. You’ve been together 9 months…9 months. He’s shown you what he’s like…listen to him!

Stop making excuses hoping he will come in and say sorry.
You are very weak at the moment but you must just get out, but I think you are dragging leaving hoping he will be all lovey dovey then you will be back together. He is never going to change and if YOU! Don't your life with him will be miserable. So stop making excuses about floor boards and can't drive get a uber and get out of there for good.

OP is already out! At least read their updates if you're going to lecture them.

Well done on leaving @Bunkbed80 & ending things.

You are about to have a very lucky escape OP. Get out of there when you can and don’t leave anything behind.

Forget about the cancelled weekend, it doesn’t matter. Try and plan something nice to do instead that weekend and for the next few weeks while you process and move forward into a happier better place.
The red flags were there a while ago, and it’s understandable that you didn’t pay attention because nothing is perfect and relationships do involve letting things go sometimes. But now you can think about the qualities in a man you definitely want to avoid and waste less time with the next one. You’ve actually done well with this one. Done and dusted with lessons learned in well under a year!

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this OP 💐

When I read your post, it was like reading my own history, and I married that man.
He was verbally abusive to me when drinking, it never got any better and I left.

Please know your worth and leave this abusive relationship.

Leave him.