What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

That response will hurt. You really liked him, his lack of emotion there would be like a dagger. Sit with it. Heal slowly.
But don't go back.

He will be back to messaging you in a few weeks or even months. He is not unique. He is the regular average joe abuser. That's their script, he will be back.

When he does come back, be strong and don't engage. Any little chink in your armour, he will be straight in there and you will be back on the merry-go-round of misery, making yourself smaller, feeling powerless and even starting to hate yourself.

Oh, he will definitely be back. It’s textbook abusive behaviour. You’re already giving headspace to what he is feeling and what he is thinking. Stop trying to analyse him. It won’t help you. Your thoughts and feelings are all that matter now.

He will come crawling back with all the apologies, and make you feel guilty. Please don’t relent just because the apologies and reassurances make you feel momentarily better. He will just continue the cycle of abuse, discarding you and then pulling you back in, over and over and over. The nasty little jibes will escalate to ongoing psychological torture, and potentially violence. You deserve better.

This

No I’m not considering it, he’s also made it clear he doesn’t think we are compatible so even if I did want him back, he’s ended things with me. Not much I can do about that even if I did want him back. I feel really sad he didn’t even apologise to me to be honest. I was at least expecting some humility which is probably ridiculous

You have done yourself a favour and left this abusive pig. I was surprised when you said you were peri menopausal as his behaviour made him sound so much younger & I’d assumed you were early 20s. You deserve so much more than all this petty nonsense, gaslighting & his immature antics. Dust yourself down & do not reply to his text.

Why would you want him back if you have already dumped him anyway?

Usually he is reasonable to some degree even when he’s annoyed with me and we have sorted conflict out quite well.

All else aside, it shouldn't be that difficult.

I think he likes the idea of a relationship and the benefits but not the reality.

He now has 2 weeks free of any responsibility so he will not be thinking about that now only when can he go out get drunk and live his best single life. He’s relieved I’ve gone. Obviously this is a stab because I can’t help but feel that, it’s natural. I’m just so disappointed

My darling dog, does exactly what you describe. She gently rolls over and paws for a belly rub.

Literally hundreds of people have given her a little belly rub. I have never thought any one of them odd or weird.

You have dodged a bullet OP. Throw this one back without a backward glance. He is not a nice person.

I hope you have left by now OP like other said as he’s treated you so bad you want him to treat you nicer by showing humility- classic textbook behaviour block him and leave as you will be waiting for the apology and when it comes he will gaslight you to think it’s you

Sounds like my ex. He was a nasty controlling individual.
Please walk away from this horrible specimen. Please expunge him from.your life. He will give you nothing but misery.
People like this dont ever change

@Bunkbed80 hi love, I need you to understand something here. He’s behaving diabolically to see what he can get away with because he’s going to start to physically abuse you. He’s lowering your standards and diminishing your confidence. He is an abuser through and through. I’ve been there, done that, worn the shiner. You aren’t safe with this man. I can promise you. The way he’s dehumanised you because of acne or even something as wholesome as playing with a dog, he’s made it almost sexual, what a weird bastard he is.
Please, please just end it and block. You do not deserve this treatment.

I had a relationship many moons ago with someone who sounds identical to this. I agree he'll be back too. It may seem as if he isn't bothered and has ended things too but this will play into his "return" when you'll be told how lucky you are that he has given you a second chance. Please, please just give yourself the second chance and stay away. He will not change, most likely the behaviour will creep slowly into sober mode as well as drunk mode and will eradicate any self esteem you may have left. You deserve so much more. x

The trash took itself out, as the Americans say... don't expect it to talk as well. It's trash!

@Bunkbed80 he is not reasonable.
He would not apologise.
He is an abuser. Abusers are not reasonable.

Please, stop trying to understand him. Stop trying to analyse.
It will never make sense to you.

You will do your head in expecting him to be reasonable, acknowledge he has done wrong (been doing wrong) and then apologise. He will not.

He is not important. You are important. Think of yourself.

This

I got to This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk and didn't need to read the rest, because I could have predicted what was coming.

OP, it is scary how similar this situation sounds to one i was in a few years ago and just wanted to add a comment to this specifically. I hope this is just you having more sense than my own naivety.

From personal experience he absolutely WILL be back, it might not be immediately (in my case he would resurface a few weeks, even months later) but these people know how to play the game. After it becomes clear YOU wont do the grovelling, he will come with some half arsed attempt to apologise whilst also making some dig that it was your fault, you need to change x,y,z about your behaviour. It is a way to reel you back in with that small glimmer of hope, yet not promising much in return to expect from them but also condition your own behaviour so you end up looking stupid for falling for it. There is something really wrong with these men but you will always be made to be the problem.

Mine absolutely detested me, it was plain to see and seeped into every message. His reconcile method was one minute he would play the victim, feel sorry for himself, low key attack me. At one point he called me poison and within 5 minutes saying he missed me, loved me, I was beautiful, wanted to sleep with me, etc.

You are lucky. He has shown what he is like before the relationship goes any further. Yes, you will be upset. But he will not change. You deserve better.

Im sorry he sounds horrific!
How people are in drink is often how they really are.
Hes shown you who he is,a foul,cruel,judgemental,ableist,bullying excuse for a man. he doesnt care about you or respect you,hes shown that repeatedly by his actions.Run,run for the hills.
You deserve better.

He sounds childish. I'd call it a day .

If (and it’s a big if) he’s let you go this easily you should be very relieved.

Stay strong, move on. The relationship was toxic and was only going to get worse.

Take time for you now, enjoy getting back to the gym etc.

Yes I am in the sad phase now probably. I had a feeling he would just avoid me, he had so many chances so I just knew he wouldn’t even try. I admit a part of me did want to hear he was sorry for hurting me but his response was even worse - he actually thanked me for ‘giving him his confidence back’ this is a massive gut punch.

Abusive.
There are red flags here: humiliation, control, loev bombing (the kiss n cuddle after arguing)

Run and run fast.

Who does that! Thank a woman who has done so much for giving him his confidence back, what so he can move on to another woman?

He’s apologised to me before, and even last night he was saying I do love you but this isn’t working out, which is fair enough I agreed but he could clearly see I was trying to make things good so he obviously felt like he needed to burn all the bridges to ‘get rid of me’

Really, work on your ‘shark cage’ and self esteem.

You could then pick up on losers much sooner and avoid wasting time and some of these awful experiences and feelings.

Don’t have further contact with him, at all. from your posts it seems you’re too vulnerable - for example hoping for him to apologise - and he will say more shit things.

It doesn’t matter what he says about you or what his friends / acquaintances/ family think about it, or you.

Op pkease leave abd not return to this headcase whp os going to do your head in by undermining you.
A 'spastic' for enjoying the dog...why or who cares wgat people think.
I would not be stay drinks or not a taxis and fet your stuff later with someone by your side to prevent more crap.
Leave ans go on a weekend away bei g pleased to escape this as a life
Never try and understand a man who behaves like this or confront him after being yelled at..njtpicking bullying and gaslighting is a sick.
Do not let a man break your spirit...dont need to be wanted by such a person.
Move on....to better choices.