What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

Very kindly, op, I don't think he knows the meaning of the word "shame", nor is he afraid to face you. He's already messaged you with a blase "yeah we don't work, have a nice life".

The guy who did the same to me went on to do it to others, and did it all with a smile on his face. I know he'll be perfectly happy, and won't give a second thought to all the women he's stolen from and screwed over.

He doesn't care, op. He really doesn't. And that's a good thing. Use it to get over him and to work on your self esteem. Hopefully he won't be back and forth, coming back and fucking you over. These types tend to move on to new victims.

And the more you're on this emotional roller coaster, the more likely you are to go back. Because you just want to believe that it'll be okay and get some peace of mind.

But the only way to achieve that is to leave permanently. Which is difficult to do, because you're emotionally attached. It's easy for us to say all this, OP, with the benefit of hindsight but it's really fucking hard when your inside the situation.

Of course you want things to go back to the way they were when he seemed like a nice guy. They're always nice at the start. Otherwise no woman would get involved with them in the first place. Then once you're emotionally invested, the mask starts to slip. But now it's harder to walk away.

Btw I don't think these men are all Bond villains or something - no doubt loads of them don't understand that they're doing what they're doing, because they're just acting instinctively. That doesn't make it any better. The nice man you saw at the start doesn't really exist. The guy you're seeing now is who he is.

Also worth bearing in mind, it's easy to fall into the trap of letting him off responsibility. He's stressed at work, he's depressed, he's sad because his team lost the match, he's got low self esteem himself, he's scared of his feelings for you. No. Nope.

If you are a person who operates in good faith, there's a tendency to assume other people are, too, so you try to rationalise his behaviour and his feelings until you drive yourself mad. But men like this are not acting in good faith.

Sometimes people are just fucking arseholes.

@LondonLass2026 he does get ashamed of his behaviour sometimes, I’ve seen it but he will either try to drink it away or distract himself with something else exciting. I know he does have a soft side; that’s the hard part in all this isn’t it, abusers aren’t always abusing no one is bad all the time that’s what reels you back

If (a big if) he is genuinely ashamed of his behaviour, he's evidently not ashamed enough to actually do anything about it.

Ok I don’t understand why the hell he would even want me back! It makes no sense. He would have to apologise and accept he was wrong (he won’t do this) and then answer questions (which he won’t like doing) and then feel like he was being monitored (which he also hates) it’s far easier for him to say yeah she was mad, I’m just going to be single now and drink myself silly

Goodness me, run for the hills. Block him

My ex would often wait a few days then send me a really cheery 'Good Morning beautiful, how are you today? xxx' message. These are the one's that blindsided me the most, and it was why I needed to block him once I'd decided it was the last time and I wanted it to end forever.

Yes he was wonderful inbetween these episodes. Bright, self deprecating, a lot of fun, constantly checking on me, romantic, loving and affectionate, hard working, fixing my car/my house/my roof, bringing me food, arranging fun stuff for all our kids. None of it made up for the random confusing emotionally upsetting situations he kept putting me through.

I just read your updates, OP. If this is of any help to you, my impression is that you actually seem quite perceptive about him. I was impressed with the level of insight you shared about how his mind works. It seemed spot on. You seem get him very well, as far as that goes, no illusions.

But what may be frustrating some of the other posters here is that I don't read you having that same level of perceptiveness about yourself, or even much interest, really.

To be honest, this sounds like the kind of guy that a woman who was in a solid place with herself wouldn't have even gotten to the second date with, hon, simply would not be attracted to. I'm sure he does have his good points but I doubt it's hard to see that he's also just a disaster, that he came wrapped in red flags in the first place.

So then the most important question going forward is why did you want him? And I can picture you here being able to answer right away with what you liked about him, but if so, that's looking outward instead of inward again. The important answer would be what is it about YOU that made you be drawn to someone like him?

That's where therapy can help (Or perhaps Al-Anon, which I was in for several years way back myself and helped by immensely, if they have that there. I'm in the USA). By stepping back and turning that focus inward, delving into why you were attracted to someone like this in the first place. Getting in touch with if you have a history of picking the wrong guy, if you have an alcohol problem, if you have unresolved childhood issues or trauma that may have caused a tendency to be drawn to Problem Men. And what caused this (seeming) tendency to look outward instead of inward, whether for safety or just not used to being treated as someone who matters that much, and so on.

Since you say you're in your forties, I'd assume that finding yourself in this kind of volatile, heavy-drinking relationship, is no fluke but more a way of being in the world, that isn't likely to be a space from which you can flourish and reach your potential.

You sound very intelligent. I think you can do much better than this guy but then don't we tend to find ourselves with the ones where "our damages match?" If so, the way to reach a better place starts with dealing with the damages.

Just my thoughts, for what they're worth. Sorry if it's way off base or too intrusive.

We joined the same gym but he never goes. If he turns up I can walk out. That’s my plan. Then if I do see him there I will join a new gym. One time we went to the gym and he took the piss out of me working out and I felt self conscious since then.

I don’t think he will bother contacting me about the hotel bookings we have either, he is irresponsible with money, so he will just leave them booked or forget about them. This is enough to piss me off because he knows the family one is important to me and he was so mean about this last night.

I have to cancel my end of bookings we have and I have flights I will have to write off because I don’t fancy Valentine’s Day on a romantic city break.

He’s also been clever to make sure I am on no group chats, no one has my number, I’m not friends with anyone on social media. Hindsight always is a wonderful thing as for someone who is constantly scrolling social media, he didn’t want me to post on it and not of him. He kind of let me in, but not really. All this makes me so sad.

He won't really be sorry, it's not a real apology, he doesn't have to mean it to say it. It's all a tactic.

I know it sounds like such a lot of effort and hard work - why would anyone do this and not just have the loving relationship part? Because they are developing a strategy of control. You'll never leave if he gets it right, so it's a win-win for him. You stay no matter how he treats you.

I do believe it's the most insecure men that do this - and you did say he said he felt lonely.

Yeah but he’s already set the scene yesterday during our ‘lovely day’ that he’s happy when he’s single

While I don’t think this will last, he will enjoy his unrestricted pub freedom for a while and no pressure on him while he’s ’working away’

@Sweetesttabboo I do not know. He’s so good at talking, I feel like he just literally talked me into this.

I already knew him before hand as an acquaintance and he was so friendly and smiley, and came along with a story about missing his dad, and going through a break up, and all the things he wanted in life, they were the same things I wanted! It seemed like fate, we were meant to be together, and weirdly we can be so good together and so functional, it was amazing at times. He would marvel at how happy he was with me, shower me with lovely compliments and make me feel great. Even yesterday was such a lovely day, we did so many things together, connected, enjoyable, warm - he was so happy and bouncy it was lovely. Then it all changed 2 hours later, and now I see a load of red flags

Another thing that is common is that they create a problem (by for example being deranged about you patting a dog) which escalates into a break up.

Then a few weeks later he gets in touch again and gives you a load of flannel about missing you and starts lovebombing you again.

Then you find out (perhaps from someone else, perhaps from him mentioning casually) that he was shagging other people when you were apart. But you're not allowed to be upset because you weren't together. And also "everyone" does it and you're the weirdo for not being totally chill about it.

Not saying that will happen. Just putting it out there as something else to be aware of.

@Driedupoldshrew one of his other exes told me he did this to her in their 20’s so I already would be suspicious of this. However he does get some ED and he is absolutely terrible at sex when drunk so I’m not sure how realistic it will be, might not stop him from giving it a good go though. I don’t think I could have sex with him again I would feel so vulnerable because of how disrespectful he’s been

I was trying to compose a post just like this so thank you! It makes total sense.

OP! Just look at the difference in your first post where you sensibly list his behaviour and why it was so horrible.

To the latest ones where youre basically turning it round that he's been losing interest in you and trying to make sense of it... and for all that I hear you saying he "couldnt even apologise and fight for us"

You need to stop that and concentrate on what he said and did and stop trying to rationalise it. Its YOU that's important not him, he treated you terribly and you need to start thinking you've had a lucky escape.

You feel you know him, sadly he's fitting every stereotype for emotional abuse....he's nice.. he loses his temper only with drink..but that's a template because noone is awful all the time or they would never have a partner.

Sadly I know you say its over but so many of us fall back when the 'im sorry I'll stop drinking ' raises its head. It will. He will be back but please remember what we said and tell him to get to fuck.

I agree with @WigglywagglyWanda

It may seem impossible that he will contact you right now but in case he does, prepare yourself. Trauma bonding is a really strong tactic with these kinds of men - it's all explained really well here https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/

He would never stop drinking for any woman, I know that much to be true so this would be a waste of his finger energy to send that

Please feel thankful you are safe op. .and keep it that way.

Even sober do not let him in your home.

He sounds very dangerous
.

@Bunkbed80

You have pulled out a Jar of Shit from the Tombola of Love and you seem to be viewing it as if it is a Jar of Gold.

The tone of your posts suggest to me that when he clicks his fingers you will go running back.

Is this because you think a Jar of Shit is all that you deserve or is it because you cannot tell a Jar of Shit from a Jar of Gold?

Remove the 50p sign from your neck and start to value yourself. Do you think he would dare to play these games with a woman of quality who knew her worth?

Of course he wouldn't? He wouldn't even dare think about approaching such a woman.

Do you think that if he really fell in love with a woman, a woman that he was terrified of losing, he would treat her in this way?

You know the answer. He is worthless and he thinks you are too.

Value yourself and don't entertain any more Jars of Shit.

@Bunkbed80 "don’t know what to do, we have a weekend booked to travel to meet my family, it’s in his name, I don’t want to go now and we have other plans, and everything is a mess."

If you are even considering staying with this horrible human, I feel terrible for you. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship. This is when you would think he would be treating you like a queen. I shudder to think how he will treat you a couple of years down the road. Rest assured, if you let him get away with this behavior, all guardrails are gone. He will continue to do it and may get into physical harm.

You can fault him...you should barely have met his kids after 9 months, but you've been playing at stepmother for how long already? Those poor kids.

You've made a lot of bad decisions in a very short time, maybe a long break from relationships would be sensible.

Please don’t go back to that gym. You are already running scenarios through your head where you will decide what to do.
It’s like a drug a ‘connection’ like this. He gives you a bit of nice stuff, then takes it away and you wait for the good stuff.
You have to go cold turkey with this one but it’s the only thing that works.
This man puts alcohol before anything and anyone. He’s an alcoholic. Trying to work out how an alcoholic who is also abusive operates is impossible.
Don’t you deserve someone great to share your life? Someone to have great sex with and sometimes average sex with because that’s life? Someone who wants to get outside with you and enjoy doing things together?
If you had a wish list for a man would you write - abusive, ED, cold rough sex, keeps going on about being single, only wants to go to the pub, is vile to me when drunk? No, nobody would wish for that.

I think this is unfair because men like this are drawn to all women who are trusting and decent.

Falling for a man who behaves like this does not mean anyone is of lower quality.

In fact, I was at the prime of my career and confidence when I met a man like this. He saw my vitality, health and confidence and wanted it. He wanted it so bad he decided to sell himself to me as a community champion, the best dad in the universe, the most caring and helpful man I could ever need. Once I fell for him he proceeded to break me down into edible pieces and carved small chunks off me bit by bit.

This is how they operate.

Nope. OP’s ex said something vile to her when she had a play fight with a pooch

Thats fair enough and I hope its actually true and you can move on with life.

But my point is (and I understand why) that you are already putting yourself in the blame category when you say things like "i should have given him space " and a lot of other things you've mentioned.

The post I quoted there gives me concern because you say hed "never" give up alcohol...I just wonder if he appears saying he's signed up to AA and your support will help him....it would sway you. Dear god the things hed said about spots and dogs in the very early stages of a relationship are huge red flags that this is far from a nice person.

I'm saying this not to hurt you but we've beem through it and just want you to have peace in your life. Never going to happen with this individual