What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

Look I know it’s self pity but it’s the cycle, I think I knew he was losing interest so I was trying harder and harder, this either gave him the ick or he just was bored of me, so decided to unleash insane crazy hell on me to get rid of me.

I know him well enough that he will be feeling ashamed of himself for some of it, but he hates saying sorry and doesn’t want me, so he won’t give me false hope as he has clocked I have stronger feelings for him than he does me. Either he’s got someone else on the hook or he will just be feeling sorry for himself about yet another woman ruining his life

Just read all your posts, OP.

What an odious man. I’m glad you’ve split from him, you’ll never have to be subjected to his bullying ways again. 🥳

Avoid men who are jealous of Dogs and Diet Coke.

I knew he was losing interest as I had to work so hard to keep him interested! More embarrassing than stroking a dog

You are amazing OP always remember that!
he is just a jerk who deserves to be alone for the rest of his alcohol fuelled crappy life

I know why he kicked off about the dog, he thought I was doing it for attention so everyone would look at me, he always went back to that as a reason for why he’s annoyed about something I do, that I’m attention seeking. Not just that I’m enjoying stroking a bloody dog. No that would be too easy. He is paranoid there is a hidden agenda in everything. What a sad way to live a life

I love dogs too and always fuss them if the owner doesn’t mind. Of course you weren’t doing it for attention.

He sounds like a mentally exhausting person to be around. A real fun sponge.

Obviously you know this man and I don't, so maybe you're completely right and what I am about to say is nonsense on this occasion. But when you've gone through the mill with someone like this, afterwards with some distance, it's amazingly easy to spot this stuff. They're all different men but somehow they're all depressingly predictable too.

So if you can bear it in mind, perhaps consider that the way you are currently feeling, like he's been losing interest, like you've had to work harder to keep him interested, is part of this abuse cycle. They make you feel shitty about yourself, dump you so you feel even worse, then pop back up ready to "forgive" you and try again.

And what happens is, every time this happens, your bar is lower. Because you have to compromise yourself to go back. Because you have to accept that YOU were the problem. Because you were feeling so low and now he's back and interested again and you want to feel loved and put it behind you. So you go back, with a bit less self confidence and self respect than you had last time, and the cycle starts again.

Unfortunately maybe this only makes sense if you've experienced it.

But my concern is that, basically, he's got you feeling exactly the way he wants you to feel. And that makes you vulnerable.

You need to able to look at it from the angle that this is over because he doesn't treat you well. Not because he has lost interest.

Make it about yourself and what is best for you. Fuck what he thinks.

Seriously you keep trying to rationalise and understand him. And that’s what our brains do - they try to make sense of things that confuse us. But there’s no point. If you take on board one thing: IT’S NOTHING YOU’VE DONE AND NOTHING HIS EX DID. You don’t have to understand anything more than that.

Women have always tried to fix men like this but they can’t. They don’t want to be fixed. They’re perfectly happy being abusive to women. They don’t have any problem being obnoxious in pubs. They know what decent behaviour is and they can cosplay it and reel someone in. But it never sticks because that isn’t who they want to be.

But it’s classic result of abusive men. If you feel confused; like you want to fix them; if you’re guilty about being yourself; if you can’t resolve things without him resorting to insults and shaming you; if they seemed absolutely lovely but now seem disinterested; if they shame you about your body or about sex,; if they had a crazy ex, the chances are they’re an abusive AH.

If it wasn't about crisps or stroking a dog it would have been about blowing your nose or sitting on the wrong chair. These men are just waiting to blow up about the slightest thing.

My ex once screamed at me for 10 minutes because I didn't want to try the kebab he was eating. I was about to meet his parents for the first time and I didn't want to smell of kebabs. It was bonkers. He wouldn't take 'no thank you, I'm chewing gum' as an answer. Just yelled and yelled. I had to get out of the car at traffic lights then he followed me along the street shouting at me out of his car window to get back in the car.

These men are very unhinged.

This is so true. I felt quite sick reading it because it brought up so many horrid memories and feelings. As you say they are so depressingly similar. It’s like they’ve read the same manual about how to be an abusive dick.

Yes! It took me a long time to realise that you can't make this better because however you twist yourself in knots and agonise and put everything into it to convince him that all the things he wrongly thinks about you are wrong, there will always be something else.

You could change the way you eat crisps and never so much as glance at a dog again but you'd be no better off because it'd be something else. Always something else. It's like a cat playing with a mouse.

He is a horrible man you are well rid of him

Sorry it made you feel that way and brought stuff back for you. xxx

OP, this man is fully responsible for his negging and unpredictability. You didn't cause it and the only issue is you didn't get out of the way sooner.

I disagree he's gone off you, and that you are more into him. You sound quite sensible to me and whilst you might have been falling for his facade, now you've seen a few glimpses of his true self, you know he's in the wrong. He needs someone to belittle and feel better than.

if someone made a remark or touched my face with a spot on it before I went out, I'd refuse to go. He literally was making you self-conscious before you left, then self conscious when you were playing with the dog.

I pat dogs all the time, and I have the occasional spot, none of this is remotely ok.

He's not gone off you though, you've gone off the real him. I expect he'll be around giving just enough apologies to try to get you back so he can do it all over again in a day or two, so stay strong and don't let him wheedle back in.

100%. One of the worst times my gaslighting arsehole blew up with me about was because he didn't like the way I chopped garlic.

I could NEVER predict what would make him blow the next time. I would twist myself into a pretzel trying to pre-empt everything.

@Driedupoldshrew thank you I need to keep reading this.

I just had a shower, I’ve sat all day doing nothing but think about this, what a waste of my life. This isn’t what I want, and when I got in the shower I just felt really odd like I felt all dirty, and I remembered the cold rough sex and felt sick, but at the same time had a flash of omg I wish he would text me intrusively pop up, shortly followed by remembering what an awful man he is, then confusion about what went wrong so you are right, I’m in a cycle.

I am convinced he won’t come back, however if he did I could predict a man like this would ask for less contact between us, more casual, less commitment, less serious, basically someone to hang out with now and again, and you just can’t go from one to the other without it ruining your self esteem entirely. I thought I had a serious committed person who even talked about us moving in together one day. If I get a ‘you ok’ text from him after my family visit that he got out of, I might feel like killing him rather than being grateful.

In all honesty I would have probably given in had he apologised today. I’m just being honest

Ad he used to also critique what I wore ad would tell me he couldn't take me anywhere because I was so embarrassing.

I recall once when I was then in the early days of dating my lovely DH I was wearing awful sandal high heels. (I have a back issue due to breaking my spine when I was 19 and high heels cripple me.... shitbag ex had known that but insisted on stilettos). Now-DH looked down at my feet and I started to shake because I expected a criticism. He just said 'Those shoes look like they really hurt. Do you want us to stop off somewhere so you can get more comfy ones?'. His thought was me, my comfort and my well being. Like night and day.

@Bunkbed80
Good for you, realising, packing up and then leaving
Do you really need an alcoholic paranoid so-called "man" like this for which you'll never do anything right and who will constantly publically make a point of telling you so?
And
How long before verbal becomes physical??
You can and will do better
And I bet your family would've absolutely hated him too!

Sounds like you both have alcohol issues - I was going to suggest not drinking/going to the pub for a month to see how things go, but tbh, the relationship is dead. Only you know if you have an alcohol problem - get help if you do.

@Fernsarethebestplants yes I see he likes to put others down, it’s not just me, others get the same treatment I just wasn’t in the line of fire as much until more recently. He’s admitted to feeling insecure sometimes but he has a way with words to make things sound great and very well thought out.

I’ve heard him get angry that I’m ’too nice’ and people take advantage of me now that included him!

All he’s talked about for 9 fucking months is us building a great future together. So for it all to come crashing down like this is such a shock to the system.

I miss the original person I met, not this person now. I did look at him yesterday for the first time and think I’m not sure I find you as devastatingly attractive as I used to, because you are a bit of a wanker

I have tried this but it’s always alcohol. If we stay in often I can sense he’s bored, I have suggested loads of activities we never did them

This is the worst thing I overlooked. I think he had to tell me this as he knew that someone else might tell me, but he was physical once (allegedly) with his ex. He gave me such a long speech about this and his remorse that he was unwell at the time and she was cheating

genuinely for 9 months he’s never shouted at me, so I’ve never seen this furious side before. I’ve seen him annoyed but this was hot rage. He saw me flinch from him at one point and this made it worse; he started saying I was like his ex

Serously, it would be worth going through the scenario of how you will handle it if he does contact you sometime in the next few days or weeks.

In my experience this is really, really likely.

I totally undersdtand the feelings of 'I wish he would just text and make it all ok again' - he knows you are waiting for this, and that the longer he makes you wait - the bigger the dopamine rush when he finally texts and apologises. This is the chemical/emotional tie that could trap you into the cycle. It's called trauma bonding.

Go through the scenario and prepare yourself for it.

Me and my ex broke up exactly like you have about 25 times in 2 years before I actually realised what was happening. Yes, about once a month. It's exhausting.

What is all this “he doesn’t want me” bollocks?

Start asking yourself why YOU would want a man like that!

@trythisforsize I am so convinced he won’t come back but perhaps you are right I need to plan.

If he does come back he would be drunk most likely, which makes it easier because he’s a terrible drunk texter/caller who makes no sense and you can’t have a proper conversation with him anyway.

The danger zone is his sober side but he’s got a lot of self control when he’s sober and compartmentalises. I’ve only really seen his vulnerable loving side when he’s.. DRUNK

@ItsPickleRick because he’s beaten down my self esteem and held me responsible for our relationship ending last night, due to my ‘behaviour’. Then I am left thinking maybe I was wrong, maybe I did something wrong, maybe I was a terrible girlfriend, maybe I did cause him embarrassment and maybe he can’t take me anywhere etc,