What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

This is me. I have everything to give I am successful and he was impressed by it, he would often compare me to his ex who had no drive

It's not even about the alcohol. He may start off abusing you while drunk but then it will move to abusing you when sober. I do hope you're just processing through this thread and not for one single minute thinking of going back to this absolute pos. Because that's what he is. He's not human OP.

So he was sexually abusive as well 😨

& mistreated a 2nd ex & love bombed you (more red flags).

Have no further contact with him.

It’s likely he can’t sustain the nice guy act for long, with any partner. They say the mask slips.

How do you know she had no drive?
You have no idea.
When I met the ex I was bowled over by how lovely she was. I was lucky I met her after the fact as it made me realise a lot of things….

@WigglywagglyWanda in all honesty I said this for my own sake, he exploded because I wouldn’t leave him alone as I panicked, he warned me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t listen, he asked for space I didn’t give it to him. This is because he had already said some horrible things and I didn’t like what I heard and wanted to repair it, and I made an error for myself, I could have not gone through what happened afterwards had I left him alone

There is definitely a type of man who is actively attracted to confident, successful women and then takes great pleasure in crushing her until that confidence is gone.

But I also think a lot of men like the one the OP is talking about prey on women who might well be intelligent, attractive, successful etc but still have self-esteem issues. Or who are vulnerable, having been through a recent trauma of some kind.

No I don’t know, he just said she was after all his money! He used my success as something he was impressed by and would make digs at her. I did not join in

I did not say that the OP is of lower quality.

Rather, I said that she views herself as lower quality and therefore so does he.

It is time that she viewed herself differently.

These men may operate like this but they certainly find it more difficult to play their games on a woman who knows her worth and who would kick his arse out of the door the first time, the very first time, that he said or did something to humiliate her.

Let them do it once and they will , as sure as night follows day,do it again and again.

The OP knows he has treated her like shit on his shoe (saying she shagged a dog!!) and yet, in her posts she talks about him having enough of her!

Why would that be?

She will take him back-I think most of us know that because she cannot see that she is worth more.

Be without any man than take a Jar of Shit but if you do settle for a Jar of Shit, have the common sense to know that is what you have settled for and cut the angst.

@PenelopeShadow I said this in the context of I think he was already disengaged from me, I had sensed this already, the row and the aftermath was connected to this. A man who isn’t abusing you and loves you would not do this. He saw me as disposable and I realise I had been desperately trying to make him love and want me. I don’t know when this switch flipped for him but I did sense it suddenly, he just got a bit distant and a bit less interested in me. I saw this happen but I assumed if he wasn’t into this anymore, he would talk to me, rather I suspect he saw an opportunity to destroy our relationship so there is no come back. I think he knew if he did this gently I would get upset and try to convince him to be with me so it was easier to just be a massive dick and poof, I’m gone and no one will ever know because he made sure I have no connections to him

I’ve read your posts and you are putting yourself as the cause of most of this - DON’T AS IT IS NOT YOU AT FAULT HERE!!
He has and is manipulating you very well and will continue to do so until you are a shell of your former self - in fact I would say even more of a shell because he’s already damaged you.
This is the tip of a very horrible and nasty iceberg - it will get worse. He doesn’t really care about you or your feelings - do not go back to him. He’s shown you exactly who he is so believe him!!!

I think the reason why it matters is that in the future you need to be able to distinguish between someone who is abusive and someone who is losing interest. This man is abusive. He would have behaved like this whoever he was with. It's not your fault.

Literally nothing you have posted is you in a bad light. This is all him. He did not deserve you then and definitely doesn’t now. It’s hard to see what he was giving you really.

Yep, that's what most folk do, they want to resolve it, i would have too! You did nothing wrong by trying to resolve it, he was horrible to you and you wanted to sort it one way or the other but he was drunk and nasty, even with the sex etc.

HE was horrid and you have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for. Im sorry I'm getting a bit emotional because I was with someone just like him and had two children. When they are nice and charismatic they are lovely and you can't get your head round the nasty.

But listen, he's like this after just 9 months. Look ahead 5 years if you ever took him back. The nice charismatic character is there less and less and Mr drunk Nasty has you walking on eggshells every time he goes to the pub.

Please realise you've had a lucky escape, youre in shock now but honestly life will be better with him out of it.

@Bunkbed80

You sound like a thinking person with a lot of love to give.

I urge you not to take him back or entertain him in any way because it sounds as if he will try to do so.

Treat yourself kindly, like the precious woman you are and don't give all your wonder to someone who thinks that playing with a dog is akin to wanting to shag it.

What a piece of work he is.

No woman should end up with this pork scratching of a man.

@PenelopeShadow I assume he thought I was flirting with the man who owned the dog hence the references.

You're doing OP no favours portraying her as a helpless victim with no agency in any of this.
If she can't face up to the choices that led here, she'll be here again with the next one. And the next....

OP, you sound like such a lovely woman but this thread is a terrifying read.

He really is absolutely vile and was abusing you from early on.
That spot business is shocking.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and take a break from all men.

He is a very ugly person.
And dangerous.
I think a Clare's law would be good to do.
I suspect he has abused other women and gave his Ex a dogs life.

You have dodged a truly awful man and I suspect lots of people around him know he is a really nasty piece of work.

Be kind to yourself please.

I don’t think I could have sex with him again I would feel so vulnerable because of how disrespectful he’s been

You’re surely not even contemplating so much as being in the same room as him ever again, are you?

With each update, it gets worse. He’s abusive in every way. Sexually too.

Please, please try to put this awful man out of your head. If you can afford it (or you can get via your workplace/union) book a course of therapy. In the meantime, treat yourself to a good book or box set. Anything to fill your head with.

And if you can’t get a refund on the Valentines travel, go on your own or with a friend. Something to look forward to. You don’t need a man to enjoy a weekend away. Lone travel is fantastic.

No look I totally appreciate all advice I am taking it all on board. As the day goes on I suppose nothing more awful has happened, life has continued. I get to choose what life I have, and no I don’t want the life he seems to have been offering me. I appreciate that it’s annoying when I reference he’s dumped me, but he has, so that choice then wasn’t mine I’m aware, but I get to choose from now on. I get to be in control of me, not having to tolerate his shit anymore. If I could swap sober him for good perhaps I would, but I can’t, firstly I don’t have any magic powers secondly he doesn’t want me, and he doesn’t want to change. Even if he says he does it will be a lie.

You ended it with him. Then he agreed. You did get to choose. You were in control.

Having read your posts, he’s abusive when sober too. And kind men don’t suddenly become abusive when drunk - abusive men hide it (sometimes) when sober.

Oh my god, girl. Get out now. He’s abusive.

My dear girl, you have had a lucky escape, this apology of a man was only going to make your life a complete misery, head up with dignity is the only way forward 🙂

100% agree. Also with @Treehorns advice.

OP, do the Freedom Programme and don’t date for a year. Put all your energy, time and money into yourself. And your family/good friends.

Another classic of the genre. 🙄

You were flirting, you fancy him, he fancies you, why was he looking at you, why were you looking at him, why did you talk to him, why didn't you discourage him, why didn't you tell him to fuck off because you've got a boyfriend even though he was just the fucking bar tender pouring you a drink.

Can't possibly just be patting a fucking dog without trying to shag another man. 🙄

@Driedupoldshrew I genuinely suspect now this is why he even got with me, because his friends all told him I was attractive. He used to go on and on about this when I met him ‘so and so said you are really attractive’ like he was proud to tell me about it and then he got to win the prize. But I came with a needy annoying personality and that wasn’t part of the deal 😂