What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

I'm a man (sorry) and I cannot believe the way ladies are forever asking advice over the disgusting, obnoxious gaslighting scum that they choose to partner with. (and often blaming themselves for their man's behaviour).

And these type of men never change.....

Absolutely want to echo this. I wasted so much time/mental headspace and therapy changed everything for me.
Took some time but worth it.

I know you deserve an apology and you are confused as to why he doesnt respect you enough to give you one but continuing down that path in your mind will just destroy you. He's an arrogant arseholes with an alcohol problem and possibly a personaility disorder and he does not have the capacity to think of you or reflect on his behaviour. His MO is to assert his dominance over you, and to make you feel like it's your fault and you have to 'earn' his attention. His nature is punishing, violent (he 'gets more forceful' with sex when you argue?'), and abusive. A pp was right- other people think you are good for him, because now his focus is on abusing you, not being an erratic unpredictable with them.

I was in an abusive relationship before DH and recognise so much of what you say. I spent so much time trying to explain to my abuser WHY he was wrong, why how he treated me wasn't right, why I deserved an apology and ll he did was mock me, laugh at me and make out that I was the crazy one. It drove me absolutely barmy and he would say if I tried harder to please him he wouldn't 'have to' treat me the way he did.

When you have some distance you will be able to see it for what it was. But now you have been gaslit so much that it's all a muddle inside.

Stay strong. Thank GOD you have escaped now, after 9 months. You don't have to have years of this shit.

You perhaps didn't intend it, but this is perilously close to victim blaming.

But I do understand it can be difficult if you've never experienced it to be bemused as to why women in such relationships are tolerating this shit and trying to make the relationship work.

It might be helpful to do some reading on coercive control and emotional abuse to help you understand how it happens and how fabulous women with everything going for them can still be in relationships like this. But the nutshell version is that over time victims of coercive control are worn down by the abuser in a way that utterly crushes their self-esteem and confidence in their own judgement.

Thanks all for sharing, I’m sorry for anyone else who had to experience this too.

He will not be back. I’ve seen too much. I perhaps can’t rule out if he gets wasted one day but I will deal with that if it happens.

I did not spend too much time explaining myself to him, apart from to ask him WHY he was doing this to me.

I won’t get an apology and I am making peace with that, if I was going to get one that would have been hours ago. I also know he doesn’t respect me so I cannot go back.

I also weirdly think my personality was the saving grace here that it ended sooner, because had I joined in with the abuse in retaliation, or begged him, I think he would have kept me in the cycle a lot longer because he would have hate to use against me

but he can’t because I’m not engaging he’s full of internal shame and can’t face it or me. He’s an intelligent man, he will be fully aware he’s hurt me and I don’t think he could look me in the face again as he knows I have a kind personality and I don’t have it in me to be cruel.

@NoHangoversToday this makes a lot of sense from his mums POV, as I think he can be quite volatile with her. She has made so many comments about him over the months that are clear 🚩 and even his son has said something similar, that he’s softer because of me and it’s nice, but this means it’s just deflected from them so they are getting a break from it.

Red Flags galore here - leave now dont look back. The reason it fells off and unfair and confusing is because it IS. Listen to that feeling, the longer you stay, the less this will feel off and the more normal this becomes

So many ominous flash backs, that’s what’s really creating this situation today and not helping. How long does this last?

To be honest, these flashbacks to things they said and did and the oddness of the situations they created never really stop. I blocked the person that was like this with me 4 years ago, and I still occasionally find myself thinking 'did they really do that?'. It's because what they said and did is so absolutely mental I can't quite believe it happened sometimes.

But it did.

Never again!

Agree- my gaslighting shitbag was 24 years ago. I still have flashbacks on occasion but my main thinking about it is 'why on earth did I think that was okay?'.

He once dragged me by my hair and threw me out because I got dressed by putting my bra on first, not my knickers and he started saying how unsexy that was and when I laughed he lost his temper. I still think of that sometimes.

And I can't eat jaffa cakes at all because he once grew furious with me for eating one as he said it was disrespecting him as I was trying to show him up by getting fat.

But I was with him for much MUCH longer than you were with your shitbag, OP, so hopefully it won't be like that for you!

It’s so disorientating isn’t it, it’s what I am struggling with a different lens. I would often feel deflated and a bit flat I got used to that, but this is something entirely different.

I can’t believe quite how mental it is. We had a blow up about crisps and broke up over me stroking a dog. wtf. But also all the hinting at breaking up was just him hoping I would catch on?

I have a policy to never take an ex back, it can never ever be the same again the second time, the trust is gone. He might not realise this about me but it doesn’t matter, I will keep an eye on this forum in case his next victim pops up.

Leave.... block him... Do not let him wheedle you into going back.... you are in an abusive relationship.... GET RID !!!!!! Now!!!!! Vile, gaslighting, pathetic little bully !!!!

Leave him. This is not a relationship. It’s abuse. It’s not normal behaviour on his part. There is nothing else to think about apart from how to leave. Please.

Quoted because it’s worth saying again.

Do you not see how much of an absolute wanker he is. Constantly pointing out when you have spots (my DH NEVER mentions them unless I do) being a twat to you when you have a drink, acting as if you're being inapporiate when you're not (saying you were nearly shagging a dog wtf) being verbally abusive. He's an absolute piece of shit and you deserve SO much better.

Yes, I’ve left him it’s over

"all the hinting at breaking up was just him hoping I would catch on?" No, he wasn't hoping you would catch on. He was doing it to destabilise you and make you feel uncomfortable/confused. It was all part of the abuse.

Who knows, not sure it matters now. I already knew he was losing interest in me for a while now so either way I am not surprised

This is shit for his kids.
How involved were you? Halloween plans and up all night with them when they are ill. I very much suspect he is not a good dad or this wouldn't have happened at only months in. Now you've vanished off the scene.
Take whatever he said about his ex with a mountain of salt because he is clearly bitter and a bullshitter.

The blowing hot and cold is likely to be part of it, to keep you insecure. And make you feel like shit about yourself.

Involved generally on weekend plans and I had been on holiday with them too! Generally I helped out with most things and he was really grateful, I can’t fault him on that side of it.

Yes, I agree. Keep you on your best behaviour and keen to impress and tolerate. Chip away at you with digs about your appearance and behaviour. Wrong foot you by bringing up exes and supposed failings.

God yes, blokes like this invariably claim to have unreasonable or crazy exes, who have definitely been 100% the problem in the past. 🙄

I’m sad about the kids because they were lovely, and I feel bad but I don’t think they had a super strong bond with me I was just nice to them. It’s a shame but not much I can do. I don’t expect he wanted to stay in another RS for the sake of the kids, he’s not over his ex, still really bitter and I think he may have set out with good intentions to have a nicer healthy RS with someone new, but then the reality of it was boring and demanding, not that I demanded anything from him but it was restrictive as it was apparent I am not suitable to take on nights out.

You’re still making it sound like it’s over because he doesn’t want you. I hope you’re just having a little self pity party and you feel better after a good sleep.

If he came back on his hands and knees (which he will) would you welcome him back because his words were a temporary salve to the pain you’re currently feeling? Or would you tell him to sling his hook because you know it would just prolong the agony and he’d never change?

Well done OP. You’ve done brilliantly. I had a similar situation with my ex and should have walked away. Instead I tried to fix it for 4 more years.

I wish I’d been as clear headed as you. But I just blamed myself and tried to repair it. I was only 28 I guess, which is probably why.