What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

I am not sure it’s healthy for me to go over it all so much, today all I have done is think about this and taken a sick day from work as I’m in a right anxious mess.

I recognise he seemed to lose respect for me at some point, he got very angry with me that he felt I didn’t respect myself (or him) after a few similar incidents so he was always on guard for the next one and half of the stuff he was saying was absolute made up nonsense, I don’t know if this was just him being irrational or saying the most hurtful things possible.

But this was clearly inevitable, as I must have known he was losing respect as I tried so hard to get it back, but I didn’t really stand up to him, even though I should have. Last night was the first time I stood up to him but it came across to him like I was just whining and nitpicking at him. He kept going on and on and on that it was all because he had snatched my vape and I said no, it was not that at all and tried to explain other things but he got so offended it was just pointless.

I have just had this horrible feeling all day he had already checked out and I was the last to know. He clearly has so little respect for me I don’t even deserve an apology.

I hope him and his alcohol induced ED dick are very happy together.

Yes all the while telling me he loves me and doing other nice things for me, including me in things. So the hate is hard to spot isn’t it. I did not expect this

He lost respect for you.
He got angry with you.
OP you should have had no respect for him the moment he poked you in the face.
The nice part is an act - it’s how men like this operate.
He has been given all the power here.
The man is an abuser. Not just a bit tricky, an abuser.
You are going to make yourself really poorly if you keep making this about him.
He is not worth it.

Wtf have I read!! To be honest the ‘get up now’ comment would be enough for me to seriously question things. Let alone the pushing of the spot (wtf is he 4?!) and everything else. Unbelievable! Please don’t think this is a you problem and that you somehow justified it. It will 100% get worse and you should absolutely end things and move on. Don’t try and reason or get an explanation from him etc as he’ll either blame you or suck you back in.

You sound like a couple of teenagers. He’s an alcoholic & is dragging you down with him. Run for the hills, stop the boozing & make sensible decisions - he’s a loser - time to move onwards & upwards without him…

your SAD??? thow a party you have dodged a bullet love

He sounds deranged. I think you will be better off out of this relationship.

Someone who accuses you of appearing to shag a dog on a pub floor clearly has some kind of quite major problem.

I’m so sorry op but this is just a weird set of behaviours and incidents, and you are definitely better off gone before he turns really nasty or violent and says it’s your fault.

Whats going on is hes disgusting. And it isnt explainable or forgivable.

He sounds vile. A bully. Aggressive. intimidating.

"Basically snagging the dog"
Drawing attention to minor "imperfections" like spots to try to undermine your confidence
Gaslighting
"Impressions" of you
Using slurs about disabled people and calling you them

Just leave him. Doesn't matter if youre not perfect. Doesn't matter if hes nice sober. Just end it.

Alcohol doesnt change who you are and if hes trying to say it does why hasnt he quit? If it makes him this level of horrific?

Dont over analysis it. Just end it. Dont look back.

Whats going on is hes shown you who he is. Dont look away

He is escalating, it's classic I'm afraid. There's no point in trying to understand how it went from A to B as the simple answer is that he is in control and he chose to be one way to you and then another. It doesn't make sense because it's the mind of a controlling abuser. Don't sink anymore time on this man, make a dignified exit and hold your head high you won't put up with his shit. I can't believe you'd find him attractive enough to sleep with him after snatching things from you and embarrassing you tbh!

No I know none of this matters. I’m trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.

He doesn’t see himself as horrific when drunk, he blames me. But I am aware he’s been horrible to other people, and I haven’t so one of us is deluded. His ex calls him a bully and he used to laugh that it was ridiculous as he let her get away with all her awful behaviour but from what I’ve seen, it’s him.

Even if I get an apology down the line, I didn’t get one when it really meant anything, and despite everything I do have some self respect left which made me leave him and walk away this morning.

I’ve cut all my losses, the trips are gone, anything I left behind is gone. I’m rid of him. I can move on. No more constant anxiety or twisting myself in knots.

It’s just horrible realisation when you work out they had no respect for you it made me feel sick

That's text book narcissist behaviour, if he was horrible ALL the time you would have probably left a while ago, what he does instead is throw you a crumb any now and them to keep you, that way you're always afraid and he's in control, it's a bit like "grooming". If abusers were abusers ALL the time we would not stay. You need to get out of this toxic relationship asap, it's terrible for your mental health.

He’s dumped me, citing incompatibility don’t worry!

Even an apology for that kinda behaviour is never enough. Its become a behaviour he chooses.

It hurts because you were kind and genuine with him.

Its his loss. Good for you

That's great news OP 🙌👏👏👏. Congratulations!! 🎉🥳🍾

Do keep in mind narcisssts "dump" all the time, he's "punishing you" for not putting up with his abuse. In two weeks if he doesn't hear from you he'll be knocking on your door again with some lame excuse. Beware. Do not take this guy back.

But gently, OP, all of his behaviour throughout this mockery of a relationship made it perfectly clear he had no respect for you -- the mocking your skin issues, the haranguing you when drunk, the criticism of your body, speech, vaping, drinking Diet Coke, saying you embarrassed him in public etc etc. That didn't just happen last night.

That's what people on here are primarily concerned about, that you didn't recognise this. He'd been like this for much of your relationship but you were still making him a pie yesterday! And even after last night, you delayed your departure in case you disturbed him, and sent him an apologetic text!

You sound incredibly vulnerable. Please take the therapy suggestion seriously.

WELL DONE, OP

Well done for getting rid of this waste of oxygen.

Well done on recognising the red flags - it took you a while, but you DID get there and you got there within months, not years.

Well done for acknowledging your feelings, even the negative ones. That's what helps us learn, grow and heal. FWIW, he'll never be happy, because he can't do this.

And well done for realising that you are worth more than this.

I’m confused. Didnt your text end it. But now you are saying he dumped you? All he did was agree with you.

if you are serious about ending it… end it. Don’t leave a door open for an apology or for him to disagree with your intention. If you’re looking for him to come back and fight for it then you clearly aren’t wanting this to be over.

Walk. And keep walking.
This will only get worse.

@HowTheLight yes typed in a list you are right! But I had not typed this in a list before. It was random bits all jumbled up

He booked 4 holidays/trips with me that were all HIS instigations, not mine including meeting my family
Told me he loved me
Introduced me to his children
Made plans with his family and friends with me
offered me a key to his house
cooked me food all the time
Took care of me when I didn’t feel well
Seemed keen to help me do DIY on my flat
joined us both up to the gym
always telling me I’m beautiful
clearing out space for my clothes
cuddling me all the time, holding my hand etc

I asked him if he was sure about the key, and I often checked in that he was comfortable with our pace and whether he wanted to express anything.

but something changed and I am not sure exactly when or why..

then he started pulling back and getting a bit more vague on things like plans, and more aggy with me about small things, a little less nice, a bit more forceful in sex, more complacent, less interested, less engaged - but not quite enough of anything to bring up with him. He’s tired, long day, work problems etc. he would say sorry to me if I got upset about my spots but then do it again

We had a few disagreements (drunk and not drunk but usually drunk) - not ever shouting - where we ‘miscommunicated’ and misunderstood each other, which we talked through in detail and he would always put in a lot of effort to see my perspective and be very keen to repair things and be very open he thought our relationship was going well because we were a team who respected each other and could rely on each other (said to me 2 hours before we went out yesterday)

But I think he gets a kick from conflict, I’m very low conflict. He had said during one argument when he was drunk, which was even more completely ridiculous - over some fucking crisps - ‘I never want this type of relationship in my life ever again I would rather be single it destroyed me’ and he would break up with me if it ever happened again. And he did.

He is the source of the conflict obviously but he blames the women.

He categorically dumped me about 7 times last night when he told me he didn’t want to be with me. So this morning I did fuck off and just confirmed I respected his decision.

So many ominous flash backs, that’s what’s really creating this situation today and not helping. How long does this last?

He brought up loads of things subtly yesterday that I didn’t catch on to until now, not wanting to commit to plans, being vague but also a lot of in plain site discussions about being single and breaking up I didn’t connect together.

He brought up my exes for some reason and asked me some questions about those break ups, he spoke about his break up a lot, random statement about staying single if we broke up, asking whether I would choose him or Diet Coke, a weird discussion about how he hadn’t yet added me to his Facebook, commenting that he could add me to the family group chat but it’s still ‘early days’ to which I said I don’t want to be in your family group chat it’s ok, avoiding me when he woke up in the morning, being weird talking about Christmas plans, setting the scene for him working away or weekends a lot, not wanting to commit to any dates, finding minor issues with the travel plans to see my family.

Then there was a lot of swinging between negging and being sweet which is always disorientating.

OP, I have been in an abusive relationship and understand the temptation to endlessly analyse why he behaves like this, what is behind it, is it actually your fault like he says it is, and on and on and on.

But the truth is very simple.

Decent men just don't behave like this.

People who love you don't behave like this.

People who value and respect you don't behave like this.

You are worth more than this. Way, way, WAY more.

This man is an abuser. Whatever his reasons, whatever the situation, there's no excuse for it. He's abusive.

Please, I beg of you, when he comes back ready to "forgive you" for all your (fabricated) crimes against him, PLEASE tell him to go fuck himself. Block him everywhere and never engage with him again. The cycle of demonising you then deigning to forgive you is all part of the coercive control game designed to create a situation where you believe you are the problem and get you to the point where you don't know if you're coming or going. You're easier to manipulate then.

Walk away and never look back.

I do appreciate your advice, I do need this. I am 100% convinced he will never darken my doorstep ever again though.

I hope you're right op, I really do.

If he does ever return though, just remember everything that's been said on here, he'll apologise, gaslight, beg and promise but it won't get better, only worse.

OP, I too have experienced abusive and coercive boyfriends throughout my 20’s until I got therapy. I have been there.

You mentioned you’d like to get therapy - have you done this before? I urge you to book this today. It will be the best money you’ve ever invested. The course of your life hangs on this.

In the meantime stop analysing his choices and start thinking about yours. Get going on your healthy lifestyle steps and give yourself some proper TLC.