What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

of course he doesn't start of being that nasty - he needs to work up to it and see how far he can push it and how much you will tolerate

how much will you tolerate before you run?

Irony is, the only c*nts are them! Awful, despicable cretins. I wish nothing but the worst for them. Hugs xx

Get out. Keep your head up high. Forget him and work on yourself so that you're happy on your own. Then, when you're ready, find a sober partner, but there's absolutely no rush to do that.

Let’s just agree I’m better off without him

Op, absolutely no one on here is going to disagree with you.

He sounds a bit rough to me whereas you are probably much better than him so he tries to bring you down. Don't be on the begging end here you have left his home with dignity stay in that position. Maybe read Why Does He Do This by Lundy Bancroft .....

He will always choose alcohol. I suspect it’s ruined most of his life so far but hes in denial. I bring out too much of his insecurities about his drinking, things he can’t face. He wants to hide from the consequences of his drinking choices, which he can do with the old men in the pub because he gets to jest around with them and go home and no one to question him and he can’t do this with a partner.

He has nowhere to hide from me, he has to wake up the next day and face me, and it’s just got worse and worse and he can’t face keep having to wake up to conflict consequences over and over, and he wants to be free to just ‘have fun’ without any consequences or shame. He started to anticipate this would happen so he tried to control the situation in an attempt to get away with no consequences but because he’s fucking pissed, he turns horrible and loses control and makes it all worse.

I am a FUN DRUNK person who is soppy and happy. Never in my life have I got into a confrontation in this way

So it’s easier to blame me and say it’s incompatibility but I’ve been in a relationship with him and alcohol and alcohol has won. I see this now. He’s said some horrible things to his ex when he’s been drunk and he did seem ashamed of them the last time he did it, I wasn’t there when he did, and he was ‘cutting down’ but he’s back to being out of control.

His mum is an alcoholic and he’s always angry with her about it but he’s the same. And he won’t change. He would drag me down too. My health is suffering and I need to get my life back.

Fuck him!

So I feel partly like some of this is my own fault?

This is how he wants you to think, and it will get worse. Soon everything will be your fault and every little thing you are, say, and do will be picked apart, analysed and thrown back in your face. There are massive red flags all over the place. The bottom line is that whenever he has alcohol the mask drops and he shows you who he really is - a controlling bully who likes humiliating you and watching your self confidence drain away.

And OP this is not about you thinking you’re making him stay with you when he doesn’t want to. This is about you taking the wonderful opportunity that’s just presented itself for you to realise for yourself ‘what is going on here’, kick this toxic piece of shit out of your life and don’t look back.

@ThreadGuardDog I shouldn’t have kept following him. That’s the main part of it I took responsibility for, that’s on me. Once I saw how it was going I should have walked away. I didn’t and I antagonised him by trying to repair things when he was being nasty, rude and unreasonable because I stupidly thought I was in a loving relationship. He asked me for space many times and my anxiety wouldn’t let it go. This is something I need to take on board, when someone is angry it can make it so much worse. I panicked and got needy and this made him lose his shit when he was already intoxicated. I can work on this separately

In my message to him I took responsibility and apologised for not giving him space when he had asked for it. I said I respected his decision to end our relationship and I wished him the best

I left it at that because I’m not seeking revenge or retribution and want to opt out of conflict. I also didn’t ask for an apology or beg him to reconsider I wanted to hold my head high and I will always choose kindness, that’s the person I want to be. I understand some people see this as a weakness but then I can now see when I am not receiving kindness in return and I will get into therapy

Blocking him wouldn't be petty. It would be protecting yourself.

Good. But please if you can turn off this tap on your head repeating about him.
He, he, he.
He is a nasty, vile alcoholic who abused his ex and then abused you.
Stop accepting breadcrumbs and stop mistreating yourself. Drinking to keep a man happy is hurting yourself.
You will never get an apology and never apologise to him again.

WRONG THREAD?

He sounds mental, abusive and gaslighting. God you’d be so miserable and he would wear you down until you’d become a husk of a person. He has done you a massive favour and shown you who he is, get out now. I’d also spend some time reflecting on the whole experience as to why you’ve allowed yourself to remain involved with such a person and put in some work so you are protected and more knowledgeable about red flags and abusive behaviour for the future. We excuse a lot of behaviour as we want things to work, but you don’t have to. There are lots of decent men out there that aren’t completely mental.

It's clearly not the wrong thread if you actually read ops posts.

OOPS! Sorry, You are correct. I actually had/have read all OPs posts, but there was a bit of time between reading them and replying and for some reason I thought she was referring to a different post! I'm on very strong pain killers just now and I'm a bit dopey!

Yeah no like fk I'd put up with someones 40yr old undiagnosed son belittling me.
Sounds a unhinged alcoholic. Get rid for good OP. And for the love of God stop drinking with him

@Blueskies77 because he can be the most charming, funny, loving, affectionate person I’ve ever met, he has a side to him that’s so warm and endearing, everyone loves him even if they know he’s tricky, they will say ‘he’s got a good heart’.

He absolutely love bombed me but it wasn’t to the level of obvious, it was this warm creeping lovely feeling over time that he just wanted me close to him, opened up to me, supported me and was so generous and loving.

Once you see this side you always want it back. You try so hard to recreate it. When that version first disappeared I was so disoriented I did consider breaking up with him as it was such a shock but he had loads of excuses for it and kept me dangling around, waiting for that version. Sometimes I would see it but I could never hold onto it

I hope that wasn't your message to him. He's a really nasty gaslighting bastard and doesn't deserve you - that would have been a better message.

Oh love! You do know what to do, that's why you are here, you need to get out, leave, block him everywhere and go completely no contact. The weekend away is irrelevant, this is about your safety and your sanity. Get out now and don't look back!

Dump! A 40 year old pressing your zit? I would dump him instantly drunk or sober. Breaking up with his ex a million times? This guy has issues, this isn't grown up behavior. Stop making excuses for him.

This is a good point. I have found that men with self esteem issues (especially in a group setting like the pub) who happen to be punching well above their weight tend to try and humble the woman down.

@Bunkbed80 he sounds like an absolute dickhead.

Omg why are you even asking what to do? Imagine reading that post and it was about your daughter or sister.

he also sounds thick, and mimicking you as a disabled person. This would give me the ick. I would of left immediately telling him to fuck right off

youve only been together 9 months ffs! Stop allowing people to treat you so badly.

Please also read It’s not you, by Dr Ramani, because it's really not you!!

This man hates you OP, yet here you are tying yourself in knots and doing mental gymnastics in order to understand this total douche of a man. The word "doormat" comes to mind. Men have little respect for doormats, they know that whatever bad behaviour they throw at a partner you'll always be there, so they get away with it. There's nothing to "understand" about him (besides the fact he's an abusive jerk).

If a man treated me like that I would be out of the door in two seconds.

Even your thread title says it all "What is going on here?" - that's what they do, turn on a dime, blame you, gaslight you, stonewall, then you spend hours/days ruminating, start apologising (even though you know it's not your fault), they punish you further, then throw you a breadcrumb and back on the hamster wheel you go until the next time...

Meanwhile you lose a little bit of yourself every single time. You don't know what's wrong with you, you doubt your reality and your sanity. You'll be down with your doctor asking why is your hair falling out, why are you in constant physical pain etc. They literally destroy you from the inside out.

You need to delete his number, email etc. Nevermind blocking, you need to completely delete and don't engage with him ever again.