What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

And it's not even been a year.

OP you sound so very low here, understandably to a degree. But, you are so focussed on him and are now giving yourself a hard time that you couldn’t see what he wanted (to break up with you, it seems you’re thinking) instead of asking yourself why you wanted to be with someone abusive, and why you don’t think you deserve better.

Seriously OP, stop distracting yourself with thoughts of this waste of space and take a closer look at yourself before you date again.

I know thanks. I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated by the entire thing tbh and then now at the story he’s going to tell everyone.

I couldn’t trust him again, ever. And he clearly doesn’t want me either so it’s done. This is beyond abuse it’s complete destruction, he knows how hurt I am and he doesn’t give a shit

When I said he was picking on me, I said this quite calmly and he exploded and said ‘so I’m controlling you I’m a monster am I’ and then started laughing at me and was frankly a bit scary

Yes, he IS a monster! Well rid OP.

As time goes on I think you will embrace your lucky escape.

Classic negging. Abusive, undermining, vicious, immature. If you can, stop analysing; you'll never know why he behaved how he did. But he doesn't want a relationship with you, that much is clear; so let it be. You deserve better. When you're feeling sad, just remind yourself of his pushing your spots.

I know I’m analysing but I think it’s just shock and sleep deprivation, the more time passes this morning the more I can see I had a lucky escape.

When someone tells you who they are, listen. He only went back to his ex because they had kids, he told me this YESTERDAY. He didn’t really want her he didn’t want her to move out with the kids so he kept taking her back. We have no kids so he’s already been setting me up for this for a while I reckon, whilst enjoying the benefits of me trying harder and harder to please him. I suspect he decided some time ago to get rid of me but we had some plans and he was going to see those through first. He’s not as clever as he thinks he is.

Stop worrying about meeting someone else or trusting anyone else.
If his confidence is so good why is he calling you Harvey Price? That’s a man whose self esteem and morals are in the gutter.
Here is something - your post describes a woman is friendly, kind, thoughtful and attractive. You know all of those things are true, even though you are very upset.
I took a long time out from meeting someone and got proper therapy.
Once you are in perimenopause your body and mind need support. You need to provide it by staying as healthy as you can.
The relationship that undid me happened at your age and was of a similar length.
And it did more damage than anything I’ve ever experienced.
I think men spot the vulnerability we often feel around a big birthday, especially at 40.
The love bombing draws you in and then you realise you’ve just met an arsehole.
I cringe when I look back at who it was in my life. I didn’t find him attractive.
But I was vulnerable for a few reasons and I just so wanted to meet someone.
And I did after a break!!
Edited to add - I don’t think he’s planned anything at all with or without you in mind. His first and only relationship is with alcohol.

You both need to stop drinking.

This ^^
Also you might want to look at your own drinking habits?

Sounds like you dodged a bullet OP.. run and don’t look back

It sounds to me like you want to resolve this but I would walk away. As time goes on, he'll be the sort of person who just gets constantly irritated and finds fault with everything you do, and you will be walking on eggshells trying to appease him if you stay..It wont be a fun relationship. You need someone who appreciates you for who you are, not someone who picks at you constantly. It also sounds like he might have a drink problem. It sounds like he 'needs' to go down the pub and disguises it as just going out socially.

I have a drink problem in that I don’t want to drink like he does but felt I had to, because it’s what he wanted to do and I had to go along with it. So many times I would say no or convince him to do something else

Urgh I also tried to book tickets for us to go to something else next year and also invited him to a friends event and he swerved both of them. He’s also been dodging around going away this weekend subtly for a couple of weeks now but I don’t think he found that easy to get out of.

Let’s just agree I’m better off without him and he was trying to dump me anyway, he just chose to do this in the most horrible destructive way possible. I don’t think I can be convinced otherwise so I am sticking with that!

It’s outing, who cares but I was up all night last week helping him with his kids who were unwell, and he was so grateful and lovely to me about it. This gave me such a false sense of security I then missed other red flags

God he sounds foul OP. He's no asset to your life in any way!

OP - @Bunkbed80 read "Women Who Love Too Much" as soon as possible, in your nice quiet drama free evenings.

What a nasty little man. I would’ve got a taxi straight home and not even stayed over night. Leave and never go back.

“know I need to do work on myself and I agree that getting back to my previous lifestyle is important.”

Do it. Do it now.

YOU are the most important person in your life. YOU are number one.

There’s times on here when people say LTB and I think, it’s not that easy, there are kids, joint finances, houses, dogs etc. But you’re not like that.

Get out now. Don’t look back.

I used to hang on every Christmas, holiday, birthday thinking I’ll end it after and then something came up again or he was nice for a bit or he got arrested for drink driving and driving while banned and went to court and I felt sorry for the silly sod.

It took the bastard dragging me down a road and marching me along whilst drivers slowed down, watched, and drove off, to make me realise. Don’t let it come to that. You won’t regret ending the.

"He’s never been like this to me sober." Sorry but this is the cry of abused women through the centuries. He's an abusive, likely-alcoholic, prick. Get out now before this goes downhill fast. And next time, try to pick someone with interests outside of going to the pub.

OP I feel that you're looking at this from a normal relationship standpoint. This is not a normal relationship and never would have been. You would spend all your time trying to understand what is going on, I drove myself crazy trying to understand, my reality was so warped but that is what these types of "people" do and are so good at. It is not a normal relationship and never will be. The only way to understand is to get out and never look back.

Op - kindly, stop obsessing over every little thing he does or what he's thinking. I know it's easier said than done, but you are giving him far too much headspace!

Believe me, this was me in the late 90s so I do get it. I also bitterly regret wasting my precious 20s on my abusive, gaslighting ex. My ex would do this sort of thing, too. e.g. when I was pregnant he would change the name of song lyrics to include the word "fat". For example, Nelly Furtado's I'm Like A Bird, he'd sing right in my face "I'm like a fatty, I only flump awayyyyyy".

he’s just said yes we aren’t compatible have a nice life. I knew he would do this. He won’t fight for this I could tell. And no apology

Op, please chasing him for answers and apologies. He called you Harvey Price (what a horrible man) and grabs your spots! Please reread what you are telling us! I feel so horrible for you.

There you go again, OP, giving his opinion of you far more weight than your opinion of him, and behaving as if the 'story' he could tell of you has any validity.

Your story of him could justly be 'a crude alcoholic given to racial and disablist slurs, and whose main source of conversation is the shortcomings of his current girlfriend and his Crazy Ex'.

This is good advice.
Op I've been a similar relationship, where you end up doubting yourself and trying to please them.
It doesn't get better, your time and love are precious spend them on people who reflect your worth back on to you.
You can't heal toxic people nor should you try x

@LondonLass2026 💐mine also used to call me a fat c**t, when I was pregnant and also after giving birth. These men are nothing but the scum of the earth.

Do you live close enough to bump into the dog again? He sounds adorable?😉😄

Other than that, yes this man is only going to get worse.I had a not-too-dissimilar situation recently, you don't need this in your life, it drags you down.

This. Run and don’t look back.

Completely unhelpful. The OP has already left, what was the point in your comment? It doesn't sound like she's the one with the drinking problem either. 🙄