What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

Don't be angry with yourself - these wankers use love bombing BECAUSE it works. We are supposed to be able to trust a partner, and we normal human beings do so because it just doesn't occur to us that someone might actually be lying, manipulative or nasty.

Be grateful that a) you did notice before it all got too far, b) you have recognised the patterns, and can use that going forward. You're actually making progress, even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

The level of red flags is startling. Once you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s hard to see the abuse. You learn to brush it off, make excuses for it and even blame yourself. Do NOT waste a second longer of your life with this man. It will only get worse - do not delude yourself and think things will change or get better. The worst thing you could do is stay with him and have children. Then you really would be trapped and no doubt his controlling and abusive behaviour would escalate. Just cut all ties with this man and block. Whatever you do, do not give in and go back or you will regret it.

Yikes 😳
And I wouldn't say his behaviour was love bombing. He's a cunt. His poor ex.

It's good you have this thread as reference. We all live and learn. You will spot the signs next time.

@Bunkbed80 this !
His issue is jealousy which is very apparent when he drinks which also sounds like far too much . He is bringing you down to make you feel rubbish .
Also come on is that the best he can do is take you to an old man’s pub and leave you sitting there bored. You make the decision it’s over and I would NOT be letting him meet your parents !

a name he had for his ex was something like this, fun police. I assume she tried and failed to get him to shape up. He said when they broke up he got fit and healthy cos she made him depressed. Then here I am, also ruining his fun.

He did say earlier yesterday weirdly out of the blue that he would happily ‘stay single forever’ if I wasn’t around but I didn’t clock this at the time. I was somewhat oblivious to the mixed messages I was getting where he was pushing me away but still pulling me in.

He wanted to text less recently, was booking work on weekends (which he had never done before), working away, but suggested I have a key, making room for clothes, offering to do DIY on my flat etc, booking trips.

I have been quite anxious in this relationship and now I know why. I think a series of disagreements after drinking alcohol had shown him that I am not the partner he wants because I am getting in the way of how he wants to live his life. There were other times I felt ill and tired and wanted to go home and he would get angry about it but sober he was a different person!

so I think he became this awful to get space from me to get me to go away. So I feel partly like some of this is my own fault? @Bunkbed80

No one should live life like this, constantly trying to make sense of why someone is being abusive to them and how it might be partly your fault so you can make it better and prevent it happening again. You can not do that thing but it will be something else, always something else.

Hmmm from the latest update I smell an OW.

I also had this weird feeling but he’s open with his phone and he did seem to have been at work when he said he was.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his eye on someone or now with his new confidence thinks he can do better

In one row when he was drunk he told me he has other options with women I just said good for you because at that time I was thinking who else will put up with you in this state good luck to them

I think it's almost always upsetting/unsettling when a relationship ends even if it's a bad one.

There's such emphasis on not being single that I think there can be a tendency to think that any relationship is better than none.

He will come grovelling back when the hangover clears.......

The spots was enough reason to leave horrible man.

Hi OP,

Just piping up with my break up advice (and breaking up was absolutely THE RIGHT decision here). We, myself included, spend far too much of our lives trying to figure out what is going on in some useless prick's head rather than listening to our own needs and desires.

It is normal to feel sad about losing the potential that a relationship contains, however, don't fixate on the what if, the if only, and the "maybe if I had just". Write yourself a list (it is important that you write it down) of what you want, in life, in a partner, in a relationship, and keep your own wishes and your own standards front of mind.

From your own posts, I might suggest that you want :

• to give up vaping again
• to refocus on the gym/nutrition/whatever health looks like to you
• to have a partner who shares this focus or who congratulates you on your workouts
• to handle your acne in a way that works for you
• to have a partner who understands that a hormonal imbalance can be a fact of life and who sees no need for childish mockery
• to be able to enjoy yourself freely when you go out, and to seek environments that suit your sense of fun
• to have a partner who enjoys your sense of fun and joins in with you

I'd think about how you want to feel, in general, and in a relationship, then see if the person in front of you meets you where you are. Sounds woo-woo but it is helping me to treat my own needs with the same respect as I'd treat someone else's.

I literally don’t know if I could ever trust someone again, it feels that bad, my judgment is so awful clearly. And that I had already had flashes of thoughts he might be cheating is adding to it.

He doesn’t really get hangovers but he stayed up drinking after I went upstairs. Even with a hangover he would usually come talk to me to try put things right but I just got this gut punch last night he was destroying it for good on purpose, and being in the middle of that is just awful. And he can’t offer an apology as he’s not sorry, he’s relieved. His message was clear ‘good we found out now we aren’t compatible, thanks for helping me with the kids and my confidence have a nice life’

I can’t even explain this, he literally would point, laugh, poke, inspect them, accuse me of picking them, ask why I had them. I did explain I felt my lifestyle wasn’t helping

What a useless, mean little man. Good riddance!

So put all the mental energy you are wasting on what he might be thinking or wanting into finding a good therapist and working really hard on unpicking your beliefs about how little you deserve. And definitely, for now, stay single.

If he drinks heavily but 'doesn't really get hangovers' then he could well be an alcoholic. They often don't get hangovers as they're always pissed. My mate who is a hardcore alcoholic is more functional than I am in the mornings! But that's because she keeps herself topped up at all times.

Regardless, he sounds like a prick and you're well shot of him. I know it must feel hurtful to your self-esteem but try not to let it. This isn't about you. You didn't do anything wrong. By the sounds of it, there's not a woman alive that would be 'right' for him because he is the problem.

I presume everyone else will say this, but, you should definitely leave this relationship before it gets much, much worse.

He is picking on you. Move on from him and please don't look back at him, trying to work out what made him that way, etc.

Feckin bastard!!

just a sicko. sounds like a man child.
I hope you do not return. or look back or after the next few hours give him another wasted second of your time. get some positivity thoughts going light a candle have a nice pampering evening and say goodbye to this shit.❤️

My grandsons are 12 and under and wouldn't behave like him. He's so immature.

Stay single and concentrate your friendships and socialising. Park run or anything that's mixing with actual adults.

Where did you find him ?

I stopped reading when drinking and disagreement appeared in the same sentence.

Stop this right now. You're worth so much more than this.

I dont smell another woman at all.

I smell a controlling arsehole that couldn't deal with being with an attractive woman. I think hes insecure as hell, and rather than deal with those feelings positively, he tries to make everyone else feel like shit so he can feel superior.

He will try and reconnect. Please dont bother. You can't fix him, he will destroy every bit of confidence you may have, and the fact you keep doubting yourself and your worth already. Id suggest working on yourself and your boundaries. There are decent men out there, but while youre wasting your time on dickheads like this, youre closing the window of opportunities for meeting them.

And dogs do enjoy play fighting, its what they do in the wild, with their own and a form of bonding

Don't try to make any of excuses or explanations for his behaviour. He is a horrible bastard . His good side is the fake part .It is not normal to speak to or treat your partner like he does . Family trip doesnt matter , they will be glad not to meet him if you tell them why . My father would have wanted to kill him if I had a guy like that . Get out of this relationship and don't look back .

I ended up marrying a POS like your ex. He got worse and worse (physical too) and utterly destroyed me. I can't even get him to divorce me (currently trying to drag his ass through the courts) and he won't leave the house. I'm convinced he's a covert narc or psychopath. They will always be the victim, nothing is ever their fault when they are actually just toxic poison. Get out now OP, I am begging you x