Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

Being a carer to a severely disabled child most likely inhibited his earnings. Then his relationship with her mother broke down which would have impacted his finances too.

The key point is, is he doing his best in the circumstances he's in?

See, for me this means his financial position could be looked at differently. This is Mumsnet though so no doubt the majority will be down on him. On here men should provide!

I don’t think that’s a lot when I have two kids to support, and no partner.

Thing is this...
Supposing a man came on here and said he's met a lovely woman. She has a stable job but is only just keeping her head above the water because she is carer for her disabled daughter who is unlikely to ever be able to live independently.
What would posters say then?
To get rid?
I think quite possibly not...
Personally I would have nothing but respect for him as I earn my own way and don't want or need a "provider".

House paid off and 60k and it's not enough?

Exactly.

Well said, absolutely this.

It really is disappointing that we're in 2026 and some women are still looking for a man to be the "breadwinner" above all else - above personal qualities of a caring nature, above being a good and present parent come what may, above being an all-round decent human being.

I'd be fine with this as long as you mean it about not wanting to cohabit or get married in the future, and he is genuinely lovely.

I'd be watching really closely to see that he is genuinely lovely first, though.

She's not! She's the money with the money. She doesn't want ripped off .

My lovely, you are quite demonstrably not an introvert. You may be quiet or shy or prefer smaller groups, or any of the other (incorrect) characteristics that people ascribe to introversion, but you are clearly not introverted. And that’s okay!

7 times in 15 days is a lot, regardless of how long for. I’m glad you’re reflecting on it.

Keep him as a companion, but be careful of his future intentions. Also, you say he earns just above his rent. Will you be able to do nice things together, go on dates, meals, weekends away? Will he be able to pay for his share of things?

Seven dates in two weeks is a lot! Is he love bombing you?

Yes it can. Millions of women are supported by their spouses and some men ... as long as you are happy with it that way it's fine. I speak from experience.

@fuschiaproudparrot Exactly. So why not just be with him because of the content of his character as opposed to having to concern herself with the contents of his wallet? It's a liberating position to be in!

Have you made it very clear you’d expect separate finances and home? And if you’re both ok with that then crack on

Agreed.
You arent wealthy, you are okay.

You cant afford to piss about with some financially insolvent/ financial illiterate bloke who cant support himself.

Financial incompatibility is imo a deal breaker. I felt this from a young age and havent change my.opinion with age.

This man cant offer you a good future.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp What does "fianancially literate" look like to you? Someone who earns more than you?

You’re rushing this one though….. enjoy it and see what happens. I’d not be in a rush to move in together.
What do you want from a relationship? Shared interests aren’t always monetary based. It would depend for me, I can’t stand someone being tight and I like to go out, so if someone couldn’t pay their way that would be a problem. I don’t mean pay for me, but expecting me to subsidise them. If they can’t keep up, that’s also awkward.

He sounds like he has a lot on, he may never want to live with you anyway as that will leave his daughter vulnerable in terms of care packages and her future needs. He sounds like a caring person. I’d date him if I enjoyed him, but not move them in to my home.

I am introverted. I am not shy. I need to spend a lot of time alone and I like my own company. I crave regular solitude but I’m sociable too and love my friends. I dislike large groups and parties with lots of people I don’t know.

This relationship isn’t so bad if you don’t ever want to get married or cohabit, but you need to make sure that he’s on the same page. Things could get tricky a few years down the road if he is struggling with rent and wants to move in with you. Also, if this ends up being long term, you might not want to live alone in your 60s and 70s.

If you don't want to remarry or cohabit I would say its fine if you like him and enjoy his company.

Unless he can't afford the holidays/trips entertainment and recreational activities that you want to share with a boyfiremd going forward. In which case I would end it now otherwise you'll end up paying for everything.

For what, exactly? For him to propose and get half of her assets?

@whatwouldlilacerullodo That's what a lot of women do? Not saying I agree with it...

In the last two weeks, you’ve had two cinema dates, two meals out, three long walks with coffee, two gigs, a parents’ evening, a visit to your daughter and cooked for friends twice. When have you had solitude, exactly?

I’m always intrigued when clearly extroverted people claim to be introverts. It seems to be a fairly recent phenomenon, but quite a lot of you have made it a core tenet of your personality and get cross when someone points out that it’s demonstrably not true. I wonder why that is.