Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

No, just to help himself and his daughter out, maybe to give himself a cushion in later life whilst he's still young enough to earn it. He could even choose an altruistic 2nd job.

"whilst he's still young enough to earn it"

A second job in his 50s? It would kill me.
At least with volunteering, you can skip it if you're tired.

I am not rich, but I own my home without a mortgage and I earn about £57,000 a year-which is not a huge amount, but it means I can afford holidays and meals out etcetera.

He doesn’t know about my savings, but as I’m a teacher I’m guessing he’ll know I have a pension. It’s not been discussed!

Well-three of the dates have been walks that lasted a couple of hours. He lives fairly near me.

7 dates in 2 weeks, but with no sex? I would be very wary of that. Specially with the "falling for you" stuff.

Ok, well-off then (but you'd be considered rich by plenty of people).

Maybe she's the one waiting?

7 dates in two weeks?

This would be too incompatible for me. To get to 50 with no financial security would imply that our attitudes to finances are very different, & even if it’s just casual, finances bleed into everything.

I’d let this one go.

Hang on, you’ve only known this man for 2 weeks and he says that he’s ’falling for you’? You can’t possibly know someone or fall in love that quickly. It sounds like love bombing to me.

I would proceed with an extreme caution. Personally, I wouldn’t want to date someone who was 40 and still renting, let alone 50. If he has no disposable income, then you either won’t be able to go on holidays and do nice things together, or you if you do, then you will end up footing the bill for everything.

Yes. Two cinema dates, two meals and three long walks with coffee over the course of 15 days.

It might be an idea to think about slowing that down so you can observe his behaviour generally xxx

Enjoy a relationship but there's no need to move in together.

Do neither of you have anything else on?! Hobbies, friends to meet, that sort of thing? You’ve spent half your evenings over the last fortnight with this man. You’re genuinely not seeing how that’s excessive and possibly indicative of poor boundaries and love bombing?

Slow down. What’s the rush?

Yes-in that time I have been to two gigs, done a parents evening, visited my daughter and cooked twice for friends!

Would you ideally want to get married again op?

Would you want to live with a man again?

Or could you happily live in separate homes for the rest of your life with a potential partner?

The only way I'd go forward in a relationship in the future personally is living apart but being a couple, and not getting married. Not just for financial reasons BTW.

But i think having a good think about what you are looking for long term, and asking him about his thoughts for his choices in his own future too may help you figure this out both in terms of what you want for yourself and if that is compatible with this potential new partner.

That’s some serious extroversion! I quail at the idea of that much peopling, but I’m genuinely impressed!

However, you’ve ignored my last two questions. Which are the important ones.

Yes, just be clear yourself and with him what you want the future to be like.

Do your lifelong priorities align?
Do you want to live with someone again?
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to buy a place with a person or entwine finances in any way?

You don't have to grill him on this but gently dropping in what you want/ envisage and judging his reaction may help you decide.

Maybe you are happy having a man to go on long walks with and the cinema now and then and he (with his daughter to care for) feels the same?

7 dates in two weeks is a lot. But 7 dates in two weeks when the previous relationship ended only two weeks ago isn’t healthy.

You need some time to reflect on that relationship before rushing straight into another, even if ending the previous relationship was a mutual decision.

Nope. Being a relationship with a man is bad enough, def don’t get into a relationship with a skint one.

I have a teachers' pension too and I'd be buggered if I had to share that with anyone! It was very very hard won. I'd wonder whether his party lifestyle involved drugs, and I'd also think he was financially illiterate. For instance, why is he volunteering when his wage is hardly more than his rent?

I’m an introvert. The walk dates have been a couple of hours on a weekend afternoon. If you add up all the time it’s not a lot. We haven’t spent the night together.

I know what you mean, though. It’s definitely something to reflect on.

I don’t want to get married again, and I don’t want to cohabit either.

The previous relationship wasn’t good for me, and I wasn’t being respected in the way I wanted. I decided to not respond to an argumentative message, and this guy who I’d met previously but not got round to meeting asked me on a date that night. I thought I’d go just to take my mind off the situation but wasn’t expecting to like him so much.