Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

OP I think you know that this man is full of red flags.

Someone with a history of addiction who did not bother to fight in court to see his child, and left him to be raised solely by a woman who sounds very unstable as well, is not a man you want to date.

Has your dad never heard of family court, of applying for contact with his original child? Of course he has.

He's just as shit as all the rest who duck out on their responsibility to their own flesh and blood.

One more thing, you say you see the best in people - that's a good trait. However, it does make you very vulnerable, there are certain people who will see someone like you coming. Put that caring energy into volunteering for or donating to a food bank, or donating to a homeless charity, etc etc, rather than jumping into a relationship where your needs become invisible.

This!! Oh he’s thinking about getting in touch… behave. He’s telling you what you need to hear to believe he’s not a deadbeat dad and a crap person. Which he is. He chooses not to send all the money he can to help the ex and his son, he chooses to have ‘a separate savings account’ (tale as old as time!!), chose to abandon his son, chose to move to a different continent, chose to do nothing for six years despite apparently being sober for five years which is weird because being drunk was apparently why he didn’t see his son. If these letters and cards even exist, wtf is he writing in them? ‘Sorry I left you behind and act like you don’t exist buddy, I’m out living my best life in another country but maybe one day I’ll rock up and expect you to give me the time of day. Xoxo daddy’ 🤢

Man drinking and taking drugs doesn’t use condoms, woman gets pregnant,
man concludes child is better off without them - The trouble with this narrative is they are painted as selfless heroes who turned their lives around. In reality, he could have done more to prevent a pregnancy, the woman doesn’t have the option of ignoring the problem until they feel like changing their lifestyle, and he has left her to raise his child alone and then fucked off to better his own life in another country without a care. AND to have the audacity to imply she is in the wrong but he doesn’t believe in slagging the mother of his child off as he used to love her is outrageous.
Men that spin this narrative never take accountability and just say they are shit. There is always an excuse.

NO! He’ll do it to you.

Nope. Being a bad dad is an absolute no for me. If he has good intentions to improve matters he needs to act on them, words are cheap

I'd be more concerned he is a recovering alcoholic with a history of mental health problems.

And I can almost guarantee that the people who say to give him a chance would never say or feel the same if this was a woman who’d abandoned her child.

Your "surely that counts for something" attitude is very worrying.

Words count for nothing. He's a deadbeat loser and he's got you wrapped around his finger after one date.

The only change he appears to have made is to run several thousand miles away from all his problems.

This is someone you might be acquaintances, may be even mates with, but not someone you start a relationship with.

Yes why's he even in the US? Sounds like he ran away. I find it also strange he's telling you this on the first date. I'm wondering if he's trying to paint himself as the victim as many men do in these scenarios.

He has told you his side of the situation. His child's mother may have a very different version. A former addict with a history of mental health problems who could head back to the UK at any point ( particularly if you got into a relationship and wanted a child) is not the greatest catch.

I’d also add that I believed the bullshit I was spun and I have no doubt that those men (I was a slow learner 🤦‍♀️) now speak to their new partners about the crazy ex who called the police, or the crazy ex who was so demanding and he couldn’t do anything right. Just like they did to me.

Turns out that abusive, gaslighting dickheads always have a string of crazy exes and nothing that happens in their lives is ever their fault. Any fault will be located in the person who’s responding to the dickhead behaviour.

This. Contact might not be in the child’s best interests, if the mother objects though. She’s living either another man - and women do just stop wanting their child to know their birth father.

I’d just see how the relationship goes. One date is not enough to judge.

My exhusband told the woman he left with ( she was 17 at the time) that I was so mentally ill that he simply had to divorce me. I was apparently not so mentally ill that I couldn't care for the 3 year old and 2 year old he left behind or return to work as a fulltime teacher in order to feed us. When she eventually divorced him ( and brought up the child he'd had with her alone because he ran away again) I was so much in his past I barely rated a mention with the new woman but his second ex wife became the one with mental health problems he'd had to escape from. I had divorced him. The second wife had divorced him. In his narrative he was the one doing the divorcing .

To be honest, I'd not date someone who was once this much of a mess. I mean, well done for turning his life around but I'd not risk getting invested in someone who may go back to the way they were, esp if something comes along and knocks them down as life tends to do.

Then the son. I kinda of understand the reasons why this happened but it's still shitty and 6 years is a long time not to try - and in reality, how much contact can he now have living in the USA? Would that be the next excuse? Maybe this one is just a bit too risky to go forward with - plenty of other people out there to date.

Interesting timing, that he’s just started looking into talking to a lawyer at the same time he has started dating.

The “looking into” tells you everything you need to know and I would look into moving on from this one.

Absolutely with you on this! We always think we'll be able to distinguish bullshit from genuine angst don't we. But we can't. I was a slow learner too.

You're in the US. There must be plenty more fish in the sea than this man with addiction issues, a child he doesn't see but claims to support who he has moved an ocean away from, and a bag full of excuses for his past bad behaviour. He's run away from his responsibilities. You've had one date. You can do better.

This. Raise the bar a very,very long way.

Just to clarify something OP. Someone can say these things and believe them to be true, and still be lying or misleading you.
The ring of sincerity and truthfulness can be because he himself believes this story.
It does not change the ending.

To be honest I wouldn't date a recovering alcoholic. That's a bigger red flag. There may be good reasons the mum isn't pushing for him to see the kid and he should respect that. The child has another father by the sounds of things and his biological father keeping his distance whilst paying for him and saving up for his future is probably much more in the child's interests than torpedoing his life at this stage.

Not as low as you might think, I personally know 2 men who have taken their own lives because of it. What you class as ‘no reason’ is a sliding scale.
of course this is outnumbered by men who can’t be arsed, however you probably have decent women in your life who would never do this, there are plenty that weaponise their children

Has he told you yet how he doesn't usually open up to women this quickly, how it feels different talking to you?

He will