Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

This man's own flesh and blood means fuck all to him. What chance would you ever have of meaning fuck all to him? He's a loser.

Fiftyandme, that's terrible, I'm so sorry. OP's date could construe those things positively, but he's choosing to date rather than dealing with the issues. It's just more escapism.

It depends whether you would ultimately want children with him. Personally i think him being an alcoholic is just as much of a red flag.

I'd be concerned about dating an addict but not about the child. Sometimes things happen in life that aren't ideal - I can see how a young man with problems, might conclude that his child is better off without him. Esp if that's what the mother wanted - it's disingenuous to pretend those women don't exist. Especially if she's getting child support but not having to negotiate access or share her child with her ex.

Obviously that only holds if what he's told you is actually true - if down the line you discover that he hasn't paid CS, then run a mile because he is a manipulative liar.

I'd want to see if he does reach out to a lawyer to get advice re making contact. But in truth, he lives in another country - there won't be meaningful contact because he's not going to fly back to the UK all the time and no court is going to make the mum send her child to America to see a father who's been absent all this time. If he could establish that his child is safe and well, it might be better to leave the child alone at this point.

Will have to leave this thread, it's upsetting.

OP, I really hope you choose an option that supports you, rather than otherwise.

Take care 💐

Brutal, but very true.

Actions speak louder than words.

One date and you need to decide if it’s ok he doesn’t see his child
if you’re happy to date an addict
if you believe everything he’s said is true
if you’re happy to be with him whilst he undertakes a child custody battle and starts trying to create a meaningful relationship with a 6/7 year old he’s never met who lives in another country.
if you mind that for 5 years of sobriety he’s not prioritised or seemingly taken any steps to get to know his young child, but has found time to do lots of other stuff like create dating profiles.
it’s not about judging him, it’s about deciding if this is the life you want. It sounds like you’ve already decided but it wouldn’t be for me.

For me it would be the child and being 5 years sober, which is a short time for sobriety. Why is he living in the U.S.? What’s his visa situation? He’s potentially a very messy person.

My exh had 2 children he didnt see. There were lot of reasons and excuses of which i bought. He cheated on me throughout our marriage and eventually left me for someone else. He now doesnt see his daughter. I expect he is telling a whole heap of new women (he cheated on the offer he left me for) why none if it is his fault.

He's an ex addict who has moved abroad from his child.

How big of him to buy cards and presents but not send them.
I doubt he is paying a penny.

'Going to see a solicitor' is a tale to make you think he's a great guy. What will it do to the child? Irregular contact and trips home.

Throw this one back OP.

Exactly this. I know of three women whose children’s fathers have completely abandoned them and then told their friends and families that the nasty mothers are stopping them from seeing their kids 🙄

OP this guy has told you who he is, believe him 🚩🚩🚩

My DH had a child before we met from a very messy relationship. He got his shit together, bought a house, went to a solicitor and got shared custody. All before I met him and while he was single. If they want to, they will.

Your fella, physycally could not be further away from his child.

Yes. My dh had 3 children with his ex, the ex was very controlling (used to lock him in her house and stop him from leaving, ruined mutiple relationships, cheated on him etc) she went for csa and he did a dna test. All 3 came back as not his children.

😐

Absolute dealbreaker. Maybe everything this total stranger is saying to you is true - I hope it is - but even if it is, he has a LOT to do to sort his life and responsibilities out by himself before he's in a position to be a partner to someone else.

If all this was truly wrapped up in his alcoholism then, despite not drinking for 5 years (and well done him etc.), he hasn't yet put the consequences of it right.

Don't be his crutch or his mommy while he does it. My advice would be to look for a man who has sorted his shit out and is ready to focus on being a partner to you, or stay single.

@VelvetPetals11
I think you’re being treated unfairly here by many women when your simply trying to make this a conversation, but no- apparently these women’s ‘advice’ is final and you wanting to discuss it further means you weren’t sincerely asking. Seriously, do the women on here making these comments respond like this when talking to a friend asking for perspective on a situation, that once you’ve said what you think they can’t respond further?? It’s called a conversation.

As for your situation OP, I do think there is a real risk that this man’s issues haven’t gone anywhere. However, there is also a possibility that he IS telling the truth so HAS changed. I can’t judged this for myself with just the details given and not having met him, but you have. While he’s being criticised for having shared this on the first date, He’d no doubt have been criticised if it had come up further down the line for ‘lying’. There’s a chance he was trying to be transparent.

Don't do this OP. You've had one date, so you can still walk away fairly easily. This is your opportunity to walk.

I used to also see the best in people. Sometimes it can take you down some dark paths. I speak from experience.

I had a relationship with someone who barely saw his daughter. He spun me a story about all the complicated reasons, I spent so much time listening to how sad it made him, how difficult it was for him. He turned out to be an abusive conman, most of the things he told me were very well spun lies.

Right now you know two things about this man. He has a child he never sees and he's a recovering alcoholic. And right now you're feeling pity, you're feeling bad for the hardship he's had in his life, he just needs to be understood etc. Believe me, this is a dangerous position to be in, because already you're putting far more focus on what he needs, what he wants, than you are on yourself.

I think @Acalmerkarma has made a lot of really good points. I suppose there is a chance this man could be telling you the truth. But even then, I think you would be setting yourself up for a very complicated relationship where your needs always come second because his are so complex. I also think there's a very real risk that he's spinning you a story.

You sound like a lovely person. I would walk away from this and find a less risky relationship. It really isn't being selfish or uncaring to do so. It's keeping yourself safe.

I think we need to remove some of the stigma from 'judging people' as I think an awful lot of people have got the wrong idea.

Of course you should judge people! You need to judge whether they're a person you want to associate with, whether they're someone you want your children around, whether they're likely to be safe to be alone with etc. etc. In other words, where another person could affect you or the people you love - apply all the best judgement you have at your disposal!

If someone's off living their life, not affecting you - probably no need for particular judgement, except as a general data collection exercise for later reference. If someone's background or circumstances are different to yours, you probably can't accurately judge whether or not you'd have behaved the same way. But the 'why' doesn't matter at all - the behaviour and pattern of behaviour that affects you is what matters, and you should judge that hard.

It's been one date! You don't know if he's been sober a week, let alone all the whiny bollocks about his never seen son a continent away.

Honestly, even if the rest is true, if he's too irresponsible to use a condom in circumstances like he described, I'd not want to touch him with a barge pole.

Slightly different situation as my Dad was married but his first wife was insistent on refusing contact with his daughter and her new husband playing father. It does happen.

My mum had two of her own when they got together and he was completely committed to us.

I wouldn’t write him off quite yet. The circumstances seem complex but life isn’t perfect. Things happen.

I wouldn't date him. I can see how the situation happened re initially leaving the DC with their mum and not being a part of their life. However, once he had faced up to his problems and stopped drinking, he should have been focused on his child. Getting a stable job with an income which meant he could offer decent child support to his ex, live somewhere close by with a second bedroom for his DC etc so that when he got in front of a judge, he would be able to show he is responsible enough to be in the DC's life. He should not gave moved overseas, severing the option of building a meaningful relationship.

Basically, now he is sober his focus should be on what is best for the DC and how he can be a good influence and eventual parental figure, not on moving to another country and going on dates (which will take time, money, effort away from what he should be focusing on).

If he is serious about his son, surely the first step is moving back to the UK because otherwise it’s pretty meaningless.

So either it’s all nice words and he’ll think and look and perform “trying to be a dad from across an ocean”, or you’ll get involved with him and then in short order he’ll move abroad. Either way, I would be hesitant here. Actions speak louder than words.

Speaking as someone whose birth father moved across the world when I was three, I’d say anyone who does that doesn’t deserve a place in their child’s life, so getting legal advice is pointless.

Just proceed with caution- you only know what he wants you to know at the moment.

Only if you are happy for it to be your child he doesn't see one day.