Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

My exhusband was a fantasist. He had been to Merton tech to train as a motorcycle mechanic at 18. Somewhere along the chaotic weirdness of his life the story morphed ( in his late 50s) into attending Merton college Oxford at 18,living in various digs in Oxford, graduating and being able to name several well known people who were up at Oxford in the mid 80s with him. When he and I were married we lived in Cheltenham and used to visit Oxford regularly. That was the extent of his connection to the city. His final girlfriend had parents who went to Cambridge ( similar very specific things relate to both those universities that dont apply to any others). He spoke to them with great confidence about his time at Oxford. They were completely taken in. He convinced new woman that he owned a flat in Cheltenham and a gite in France. He had photos ( lies) . He was CEO of a large company ( lie). When he killed himself he left her number for the police to find. She was devastated and phoned the company to tell them he'd died. He'd worked for them in a middle management position 15 years before but been sacked. He'd been out of work since. People lie Op. They lie and lie and lie. Find someone else who isn't 'a project'

You say “he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything” but that’s naive. Ditto with “he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved”. Nonsense. Just because he didn’t explicitly say it, doesn’t mean he wasn’t sowing all the seeds to encourage you to think of her that way. You sound painfully naive, OP.

Even without his deceptive nice guy act, I’d still be so disgusted that I wouldn’t consider another date. He has abandoned a son he never even tried to fight for. He didn’t need to move to the other side of the world to get his life together. Six years on, he’s thinking about maybe doing something but has no firm plans. You don’t even know if the savings or the letters are true, but even if they are, they conveniently don’t involve actual action or sacrifice on his part. There’s no accountability that he won’t spend the “money he sets aside”. The birthday cards and letters sit in a drawer, and if he’s never met his son or fought to see him what do they even say? It’s a load of shit.

I don’t believe for a second that he pays child maintenance for a child he isn’t on the birth certificate for. This man is the kind of man who had to run away to a different continent to get his life together, he is not paying voluntary child maintenance for a child who calls another man Daddy.

Not seeing any issues here at all. He made a mistake and is doing the best he can and even trying to rectify. He is doing a lot that proves it wasn't just that he doesn't / didn't care and it does sound like he's hinting she got pregnant on purpose. So.. not sure what else he can do. Go back in time and not make that mistake?

Oh and.... ' honestly it would take such a special woman to take me on and I'll never find someone like that"
Op" Oh its me, its meeeee. Please let me show you how happy your life could be with me".
Tale as old as time

OK then. Here’s my take.

One date, and he has downloaded a lifetimes worth of emotional baggage on you.

You now have no opportunity to make a rational decision about him as a human being because whatever he says or does is tainted by the weight of his past, his child, his alcoholism and the rest.

You have no chance of getting to know the person he is now because he is too busy showing you the person he used to be, and while honestly is important in a relationship he is not allowing either of you the space to explore the new relationship, to find common ground, develop understanding, express YOUR feelings.

After one date you are already in an unequal relationship because his emotional needs have been given priority, and trying to redress the balance will make you feel guilty because you feel he has so many more issues to deal with than you do. Maybe that’s the plan all along.

Date - Maybe, if he is attractive charismatic and fun.
Marry/have kids with - nope

As you have only had one date with the guy, you are probably overthinking it.

If you are in your late 30s and looking for someone to father your future children then don't waste any more time on this one.

And when he turns out to be an absolute shit you can't blame him because he told you everything completely openly on the first date. You knew what you were getting yadda, yadda,blah, blah.

Not seeing any issues here at all. He made a mistake and is doing the best he can and even trying to rectify. He is doing a lot that proves it wasn't just that he doesn't / didn't care and it does sound like he's hinting she got pregnant on purpose. So.. not sure what else he can do. Go back in time and not make that mistake?

How is he doing things to rectify. He hadn't even made a solicitors appointment to get things moving. That is so quick to do He coukd have done that before the date, he coukd have done it in any lunch time, he coukd have done it years or months ago. To me that is just smoothing the tablecloth.
Whats the point if a load of cards that gave bever been sent, proves nothing.
All this and a recovering addict is not someone that would fill me with hope for a sunny future.

Don’t be such a fool. This man has already told you he has addiction issues and has abandoned his child who he has no contact with. It doesn’t matter how charming he was on a first date - he’s got too many problems to be a decent partner.

Why is he living on a different continent to his child? How do you actually know that he is sober? Are you always this trusting of complete strangers? Men will say almost anything if they think there’s a chance of sex on offer!

Yes but if it’s a deal breaker now no point continuing… this is how women end up in these relationships and years down the line think I should have ended it when he told me that…

So many things wrong here. I think the fact this is volunteered on the first date is off putting too much too soon - I’d cut my losses here and move on.

The problem you seem unable or unwilling to take on board is that you have no way of knowing what his changes and improvements actually look like because you only have his word for it. You haven't been in his life long enough to witness the changes he has made and how different he now is compared to what he used to be like.

so that boils down to you taking his word for it, all of it, everything he's said.

you seem to be happy to be taken in by him glossing over the bad bits and making you believe he's this wonderful reformed person who is moving heaven and earth to be reunited with the child he abandoned and likely didn't get round to funding his maintenance, education and improve his offspring's life chances.

good luck taking this chancer on, he really saw you coming,

Its incredibly easy to pretend to care deeply about something/ anything when you aren't directly involved with it on a daily basis ( or for SIX flaming years). I could care deeply about the plight of polar bears, wang on to all my friends about 'oh the poor bears' then leave the cafe and not give a single other thought to them. This man is likely to be exactly the same about his don.

You've been on one date and he's told you that he is an alcoholic and an absent father. Of course I wouldn't see him again. If he was well enough to emigrate he was well enough to parent in some fashion.

What I would be asking myself is this: why would he be dating and possibly end up in a long term relationship/married with someone living in the US if his son is in the UK and he wants to get court access to have a relationship with him? Can't have much of a relationship, especially needing to repair 8+ years (by the time he'd get it through) of absence. He'd need to be in the UK and ready to really step up and repair that loss of time. Not dating a lovely book reading lady like you in the US.
Would you be prepared to move? Imagine he is the one and you got married and had babies, everything would feel overshadowed by him missing it all with his son first. His pre-you decisions would always be there hanging over him, and then you.

When you've been a kid growing up around addicts, you can't believe them. They believe themselves, they make it very easy to believe them but unless they have truly faced their past they aren't being honest.
He hasn't faced the decisions of his past, just admits he feels bad for them. He may not even truly know how bad he was if he had blackouts, take it from a child who saw a lot more than the drunk person remembered - they don't actually know how awful they are, no matter what you tell them they've done.

To answer your overall question, yes people with addiction can overcome their demons, but it sounds like this man still has a way to go to do that.

Honestly I don't see the 'he hasn't even made a solicitors appointment' as a red flag. If things were as bad as they sound, its better that he didn't insist on trying to keep a relationship with his child when he was in active addiction, or to assume he could just walk back in whenever he felt like it. That would have been thinking of his needs, not the childs. I would be cautious, if he just wrings his hands and is passive I wouldn't think much of him, but if he continues to pursue it but slowly and respectfully to his child and the mum I would be ok with it.
Again I'd be cautious about dating someone in recovery as you need to decide if you'd be willing to accept relapses. I'd be careful about being too vulnerable, but if you genuinely like him - and aren't seeking a project - I don't think these are all deal breakers. But at the same time I would question if this is taking on more than you need given you've only just started dating, and whether you want to have this many possible complications. Not least because in the hierarchy of his priorities his addiction will come first, and if he does pursue things with his child then he will come next, and that's not an easy place to be as a partner.

No, I wouldn't entertain a relationship with him. I did enter into a relationship with someone who didn't see their children. Is was the ex wife's fault he couldn't see them blah blah blah. In reality he was so angry his ex wife had left him he couldn't separate his hate for her from any love towards his children. It chipped away at our relationship as I lost respect for him.

There is nothing within my control that would keep me from me children and I need a partner with the same perspective.

A benefit of dating someone with kids is the ability to see what type of parent they are. When the show you, please, please believe them.

He does pay child maintenance

Sure, he pays maintenance AND puts money aside for his child?! Have you seen proof of this?

He doesn't need to look for legal advice, he needs to contact his ex saying that he's given up his addictive behaviour and has been in a good place mentally for some time (if all this true), he's very sorry for neglecting his son and he would like to reestablish contact in whatever way she thinks best. The solicitor is an evasion tactic.
I wouldn't want to involved with someone who could do that.

I agree with this. For context, I'm in recovery with 32 years of sobriety. His being sober for five years is pretty impressive. Most people who make it that far stay sober long-term. He wouldn't have been doing the boy any favors by coming into his life while he was still drinking or in early sobriety, and the mum quite rightly didn't want him in the boy's life at that point. And he's been open with you (OP) about what he went through at that point in his life.

My advice would be to proceed with caution. My DH took a chance on me, and we married when I had only been sober for three years. We're still happily married and have two great kids. I know loads of people in long-term recovery with good, stable families. Addiction is a medical condition, not a moral failing, and it can be successfully dealt with.

I’m this way too but have learnt over the years (sometimes the hard way) that I can see the good in someone and still set my standards for relationships higher. I separate the two things now.

At best, assuming things are exactly as he’s portrayed them, this is a man with a huge challenge ahead of him. Let’s assume that he has the financial and emotional resources to pursue contact with his son through the courts, why should you, a person who has met him once, be the one to support him? How would that affect his capacity to form a relationship with you? If he is committed to knowing his son, he will be pouring everything into that and likely won’t have the bandwidth for a new relationship. What if it doesn’t work out for him or his son doesn’t want to know? Are you prepared for the fallout from that as a partner? If you eventually have children together, how does this experience affect his ability to be a good father? Please think about your future children (if you want them) and want better for them from a father.

And that’s assuming the very best. That’s assuming that all of the issues that led to this situation in the first place are fully resolved and he doesn’t still have some of the traits, or versions of them, which led to his issues in the first place. If he doesn’t, and remains fully committed to his own mental health and wellbeing through therapy etc, then he is absolutely the exception and not the rule. And most people are the rule.

If you met later in life, you already had your own children and he was reconciled with his son and had shown how he had fully worked through that and put things right as far as possible (bearing in mind it can never fully be put right), then I’d suggest that things might be different. But now, if it was me, just no. Absolutely no way.

I’ve dated a man with similar circumstances who walked away from his child but still paid.

what you’re deadling with is a man who is extremely emotionally avoidant. While he can be super fun when all is good. And is easy to fall in love with. When things get hard, and all relationships have hard times, he will leave (he has shown he can leave), or pull away and go very quiet and avoidant and probably start drinking or another vice too.

regardless of the child situation, this is not a good long term relationship material man. He might be a fun friends with benefits though if you can do that without falling in love or getting pregnant.

He has had 6 years to go to court for access to his son. So far, he has done nothing.

His actions speak louder than his words.
He moved country away from his son.

I would not trust him

Also - ‘looking into legal advice’ he hasn’t actually done it yet though this is all talk. You’ll get lots more of ‘I’m thinking about…’ in the relationship and he’ll expect credit for words without actions. What a prize of a man, not.

Exactly- pay attention to actions not words.

also, his son is having a peaceful life with his new family. Don’t fantasize about being that step mum that comes along and stirs the pot and causes stress and trauma of family court when dad would never have done if off his own back. We know plenty of these!