Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

Yes. Everything the child needs is provided solely by his mother, therefore she isn't the deadbeat parent in this.

That would be his dad. Who abandoned him and moved to another continent. Even after 6 years, he's done nothing to be in his child's life. A child who is nothing to him but a sob story to tell naive women in the country where he hopes to gain a Green card.🤷‍♀️. He went straight to gaslighting the OP on their first date. He is shady as fuck.

I suppose in your well heeled circles (4%, not 5%), the kids are generally not going to be that badly behaved in public.
You’re right I don’t know how much time you spend with them, but you said it was as demanding as your high level job.
I take your point, but will say the fact you make out that the ‘high level’ job makes it harder for you to parent suggests you’re quite out of touch with the mum or dad that works as Tesco and can’t leave work whenever they feel like it like the 4%ers can.

Ooh, there's that misogyny again.😬

and what’s the relationship like between your mum and the mum of your child? if i have an accident and lose a leg should i leave my kids? if my kids lose a leg should they what, go into care?

op read some poetry. get some light going on in there. you sound isolated. it doesn’t need to be so bad.

No you shouldn’t.
But if your life previously revolved around sports and being active, you might not feel like you’re in the right frame of mind to be a good parent until you have adjusted yourself, like the OPs date seems to have done. If anything that should earn some respect.
Since this is mumsnet, let’s say you don’t lose your leg but you lose your looks in an accident or due to an illness, you might feel like it’s not the best time to start becoming a parent ? Unless you’re very strong minded, more so than most of the posters here including me.
You might feel the need to leave in order to rebuild, are you now a deadbeat mum ?

She blocked access to him, so he didn’t abandon her. Depending on where he was at at that point, it makes her quite scummy if not a deadbeat

I can tell from your post that you fully intend to see him again and no matter what anybody says on here will really alter that - that's your right.
I would put money on the fact that at least a significant amount of what he has said is not true and I know that your reply will be but what if it is.
If he really wanted to see his son he would have done something in the five years that he's apparently been sober.

Why the insult? I came across this thread and some of what he said sounds similar to me. Why are you so bothered about tearing him down ?

You just equated a man who doesn’t see their son with being a predator so maybe you should concentrate on your own support group.

That's what he said. And I'm glad you see it too. He said it to @VelvetPetals11 and then gaslighted her into believing he didn't.

If he does this on a 1st date, God knows how awful he'll be six weeks, months in. Or how bad he was to his Ex when he was drinking and in a really bad place at the most vulnerable time in her life.🫤

Even if he's "sober" at the minute, his mind is still that of an addict. Manipulative with a heightened sense of victimhood.🤷‍♀️

You don’t even know whether his ex was worse to him?
An addict yes, Manipulative and a nightmare down the line?
OP doesn’t really suggest that at all

I didn’t say my high-level job makes it harder for me to parent, I said that parenting is more demanding than my high-level job (which is still challenging work).

I’m not out of touch. I’ve worked in retail, and restaurants (where you still get lunch breaks and sick leave), and very long hours pre-kids before reaching my level of seniority. I didn’t reach my “well-heeled circle” by accident.

According to you, parenting is too hard for you but should be a doddle compared to work for everyone else, although most people are doing a shitty job of it in your inexperienced opinion.

You’re taking greater and greater leaps of (il)logic to defend your own and the OP’s date’s failure to engage in parenting and diminishing those who are actually doing the work you’ve excused yourself from. Cop onto yourself, mate.

Wow. A person YO808 who is saying that they themselves can’t cope with even being in their child’s life, coming onto the thread saying raising a child is easy 😂 if it’s so easy, fucking do it! I dare you! You and the OP’s date, take them kids off their ‘deadbeat’ mums, and raise them brilliantly. It’s really easy, come on! Anyone who in one breath says they’re such a fuckup that they’re better off not in their child’s life, and the next spouting misogynistic bullshit, is definitely worth listening to.

I’ll say it again, you can’t block a person who wants to see their kid and does nothing about it. The man has blocked himself. Probably for the best, poor kids.

So nice of this man to come in here and teach us all about red flags and how to parent our children isn't it. While completely derailing the thread and making it all about himself in the process. I'm going to step away to preserve my sanity and enjoy some wine and chocolate.

Never said it was easy.
never said my own ex was a deadbeat, Ops dates ex definitely is/was.
Of course you can block a father, not by law usually, but in practical terms you can do so easily by just saying the kid is ill, you have to take them away that weekend, they have a play date or whatever.
Parents do that all the time and you know they do so don’t say it’s impossible.

He said he only joined for this thread.
Maybe because this thread is actually all about him?🤔

You Implied that your ‘high level’ job made things more demanding because it was a ‘high level’ job, but it doesn’t as you’ve just said your job and level of seniority actually makes it easier for you to parent.

The OP didn’t fail in parenting, his ex blocked him from seeing his son.
Let me put it this way, if I assumed your circle was reasonably well heeled from birth because your name is Camilla, that is the same kind of assumption posters are making in this thread about the OPs choice of date.

I did not imply that, I simply said that parenting is not easier than a demanding job. I also didn’t say my job and seniority makes it easier for me to parent. I work a full time, demanding job, like many people, and I also put a lot of time and effort into parenting. Stop putting words in my mouth.

My screen name is a book character. It has nothing to do with my background. People are making judgements about the OP’s date based on the fact that he has tapped out of parenting for six years and by his own admission was a terrible drunk (which doesn’t come out of nowhere) at the time of his son’s birth and his first year of life.

Anyway
OP, you should be careful when meeting someone new but this guy seems genuine.
You should definitely see him again.
He’s put some of the things he’s not proud of about himself straight out there, the things he thought you might be unsure about.
He probably did that because you were getting on so well and he wants to be honest.

Trust your gut, you might miss out on someone you really like that has worked hard to better himself.

never said my own ex was a deadbeat, Ops dates ex definitely is/was.

You should definitely see him again.

😅 Neither thing is by any means definite

Well you’ve said it’s demanding a few times when you can seemingly take a sick day or have time off whenever you need like almost no one who works can.
Exactly, they’re judging someone they don’t know.
He also said his mental health was not good, so should he have stayed around and tried to jump through hoops for his terrible sounding possibly child trapping ex and probably been not such a good dad at the time?
Seems like he made the right decision for himself and his kid

We know he said he was an alcoholic suffering mental health problems. So at best he was a volatile, manipulative, irrational man when his partner was pregnant, postpartum and at her most vulnerable.

We know he has no relationship with his son.
We know he moved a continent away.
We know he's done fuck all to establish a relationship with his child since 2020!😱
We know he's happy to have his child raised by the mother alone. An ocean away.

We know he badmouthed his Ex, trauma dumped on @VelvetPetals11 then gaslit her on their first date.🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

He may not be drinking at the minute, but He's still a mess with the manipulative, overinflated sense of victimhood of an addict.

If he had really sorted himself out, @VelvetPetals11 would be buzzing about a great 1st date. Instead of starting a thread on Mumsnet Relationships.

Better luck next time @VelvetPetals11.

Yeah, I didn’t say that, that’s another thing you’re making up to avoid taking what I say seriously.

I often use lunch breaks for parenting tasks and while I can take sick leave or WFH at times when my kids are sick (if not required on site), that doesn’t lower my employer’s expectations of work delivery. Sick leave and hybrid work are things many full-time workers have access to, not “almost no one”.

You can keep trying to diminish me but as there’s no substance to what you’re saying you are just making yourself look defensive and likely to be similarly exaggerating or misrepresenting your own situation.

I think the across oceans comments are beside the point, sounds like was more needing to start fresh rather than trying to get as far away from his son as he could?
If he hasn’t drank for 5 years, that’s not really ‘not at the minute’ is it. At that point he’s more likely to stay sober for a long time or never go back to drinking IF he hasn’t had that drink.
How many throwing mud at him drink too much? And did he really badmouth her, I thought he said he didn’t

Almost nobody has time to do anything else in their half hour - on average lunch break other than eat lunch.
Same again with just taking a day off whenever their kids are sick. Most people can take a day off once but they won’t get paid for it and they can’t afford not to get paid for it.
My problem is assuming someone is a bad person or telling someone not to see them because they don’t see their son. When they were told they weren’t welcome to anyway.
Perhaps the OP, perhaps I are cowards but this thread reads like an attack on men just as much.

Your deflections are getting weirder and weirder. Again, I don’t just take a day off whenever my kids are sick, usually I juggle working from home and caring for them, starting early and finishing after they are in bed (unless they have to go to an appointment that takes half a day or more and then I take leave).

And your claim about inability to get anything done in a lunch break is grounded in… what? I work in the city, there are shops nearby to run to to get things they need, I can make phone calls, fill out forms online, etc.

Honestly, what is your goal here? To somehow “prove” parenting isn’t much effort or that I have such a special level of privilege in life that it’s easy for me to be a single mum? I guess you have to tell yourself that to justify not bothering with your own kid.