Would you continue dating a man who has a child he doesn't see?

[VelvetPetals11]

I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.

We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.

However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.

Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.

He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.

He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.

Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.

He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.

His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.

He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.

However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.

He does pay child maintenance.

He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.

He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.

When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.

He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.

We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.

He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.

So this is where I’m torn.

On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.

On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.

I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.

Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?

Would you continue getting to know him?

I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.

No I haven’t, frankly it sounds like you have issues of your own since your opinion is one of the more extreme ones here, maybe you shouldn’t have kids either

they shouldn’t have kids because they think people who walk away from their kids aren’t good people? does that sound logical? why shouldn't they have kids because they think this? these are the people who would make great parents!

You’re making assumptions about him and her when you’ve never met either of them.
The guy has to be terrible automatically though…
It sounds like the guy has been quite open and honest, if he’s got clean for 5 years and doing well for himself and admitting his past isn’t so great, I’d see that as more of as a positive, assuming he’s genuine.
‘eww’ to your ‘wisdom’ which is just based on your subjective experience, presumably with men you’ve had problems with.

Have you actually read the first post?
let’s assume it is genuine what he said, the woman has trapped him with a child that she said she couldn’t have.
She then didn’t want the child to know his dad.
Thats worse than anything he said he’s done.

What part about moving to another continent shows he wants to be in his son's life?

Anything he says or does after moving to another continent, that is lip service and frankly, bullshit.

If he really wanted to be in his son's life, that would be his second job. Literally. He would have gone to court, taken on a second job to pay for it, and gotten paternity testing, gotten parental rights, and a step up plan for custody. He would have a job and housing by his son, not jumped up and moved to the US.

He says he sends money and has a bank account set up for his child. Money is not a tradeoff for the father not being present in his child's life, even if that is true. His son will always know that, in his heart, his dad didn't give enough of a shit to stick around and be there as a present parent. He couldn't be bothered to fight to be in his life.

So you've had your first date and you've found out this guy is yes, a deadbeat dad and will shade the ex who's doing the real work of raising his kid. And he's spun it but the spin doesn't hide the reality of his situation, he's a person with substance abuse issues who's a deadbeat dad and his response is to run away from the hard things.

No. Whatever excuses he makes he clearly has the money/time/emotional energy to date, so he has no excuse to not try to pursue a relationship with his son. What a loser.

Or, you go on a date with someone and it’s going great and after 6 months they say, ‘I’m a recovering alcoholic with a child I don’t see for reasons that you’ll have to choose whether to believe or not’. Would that be better or worse?

Have you actually read the first post?
let’s assume it is genuine what he said, the woman has trapped him with a child that she said she couldn’t have.
She then didn’t want the child to know his dad.
Thats worse than anything he said he’s done

do you read the news? I hope you don’t work in a job where people’s safety relies on how well you can detect deception

I would always run a million miles from a man's insinuation that he was tricked/pressured into fathering a child.

You absolutely can't detect deception via a second hand story on mumsnet 🙄

So he is "working towards" staying permanently here, whereas he's "looking into" taking legal steps to establish contact with his son. He has taken more active steps to be far away from his son than to see him.
OP, if I could give you only one advice to judge someone's character it's "actions speak louder than words". His actions show that he has no intention of being involved in his son's life, that he doesn't truly care what happens to him, otherwise the first thing he would to to make that happen is to move his ass back to the UK, establish his life there, and then taking actions to be in his son's life. Making a sad face when talking about his son is easy. Buying a card and writing few words on it is easy, setting up a savings account and putting some money in it is relatively easy. Nothing in his actions suggest he is anything other than a deadbeat dad.

Have you actually read the first post?
let’s assume it is genuine what he said, the woman has trapped him with a child that she said she couldn’t have.
She then didn’t want the child to know his dad.
Thats worse than anything he said he’s done

no. someone on here, maybe you, i don’t know, said a person who thinks deadbeat dads shouldn't have anymore kids shouldn't have kids. that they shouldn’t have kids for think leaving kids is bad.

Also to add: he might genuinely feel shitty or even sad for what he has done, perhaps it's not all an act. But even if that is the case, he still wouldn't be the man for me as he hasn't got the courage to take active steps and do what it takes to rectify the situation.

You don't "look into" getting legal advice. You just pick up the phone and ask a lawyer.

You don't move to a different country from your child.

You don't disappear totally from your child's life for 6 years. (Their entire life!)

You don't self pityingly write cards and not post them.

You don't tell a woman you've had one date with all the woes of your life.

He sounds like a proper twat.

Obviously not. But theres a big timeline between date 1 and 6 months later. Both not appropriate.

Look, unfortunately for you a lot of women aren't going to want to date a man whose abandoned a child, regardless of the reasons given. Fortunately for you though, there will always be some who are willing to take a risk and give a tortured soul a chance.

Please stop minimising our experiences though. None of us are saying this man should be condemned to a life of misery. We are saying why we wouldn't date him and we are entitled to our opinions.

Ffs can I just say it again for the enablers in the back. A C100 is £270 and you can do it yourself online, from abroad!

How have we gone to “she’s blocking him from seeing his child”? You can’t, you actually can’t block a dad from seeing their child that they want to see in the UK. Paternity is established which is how the CMS have him. Paedos and abusers unfortunately have the right to see their kids, a determined and even terrible man will see his child if that’s what he wants to do. If he made one speck of effort in the last five years in between all the books and walking, he’d be in that kids life. She can’t have blocked him from contact or she’d be in front of a judge for contempt. Oh, but that’s it, he’s never gone through a single step of the process so there is no ‘blocking’. Has he gone through mediation? Thought not. Fucking hell. How many billions of men are out there in the world, and this man is being cosseted into a new relationship with his abandoned child as just a blip. Nobody’s perfect? Yeah, they’re not all dead inside, though!

I mean I’ll say one thing, he’s been really honest with you and that means a lot.

He pays for his son and is saving for him to making provisions and recognises he wasn’t in a good place at the time which takes some guts to accept

I think just see how things go it’s hard to gauge after one date.

Have you actually read the first post?let’s assume it is genuine what he said, the woman has trapped him with a child that she said she couldn’t have.She then didn’t want the child to know his dad.

I've read all @VelvetPetals11 posts. She said
He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.

She also said
One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly.

Thank you for exposing the fact he's using the oldest lines in the book.

@VelvetPetals11, even @Yo808 can see he's being dishonest and trying to fuck with your head. On the first date.🫤

If he wants to see his child first thing he needs to do is get a court sanctioned DNA test. Seems his ex had a new partner in the wings, it would make sense to check the child is his, if he hasn't done so already.

If the child is his he should be seeking contact. He doesn't need to come back to the UK, he can ask to have his child visit in the US. So mum has him during terms and he spends summer with his dad.

That’s hardly what I said.
And I’d argue that a dad who’s still around out of convenience but puts no effort in, has bad habits, cheats, drinks, smokes or whatever is often more of a ‘deadbeat’ than many fathers who don’t stick around.
Still ignoring the fact that the mum sounds like a deadbeat mum. How many mums have kids so they can claim benefits and don’t have to work, and so on and on, like she might have done. Plenty of deadbeat mums out there as well as dads.

It really depends how much the guy said is true, you seem to be forgetting the fact that he didn’t want to have a child in the first place…so if it’s true he was tricked in to having a kid, and did manage to put his demons at bay, and then his ex did stop him from seeing him when he tried to, well, I don’t think he as to feel guilty doing whatever the hell he likes.
Thats assuming what he said was true.

I think there are circumstances where I’d carry on dating on dating someone yes.
i wouldn’t walk away after one date if you got on so we’ll @VelvetPetals11 ..
I have a male friend who had 2 children, split from their mum and when she found a new guy they basically told him to buggar off … he said he tried a few times to see them but it was too difficult so he gave up and moved away. It sounds like your date needed to cut ties due to addiction, and as time has passed he’s just found it too hard to reach out again.
another male friend of mine tried hard to find his daughter but the mum kept moving so he couldn’t, and told the child he’d died…. Only once she was 18 did her grandparents tell her the truth and she found him!!
Hopefully he will reach out at some point,
He's only been sober 5 years though so this relatively early and I wouldn’t keep probing.
must great he shared so much on a first date tbh.
meet him again and just keep this as a warning, as long as no others arise I would go with it and enjoy the ride

OP, you clearly want someone to say this sounds like an incredible man and it’s well worth getting into a relationship with him so I’ll say it then you can skip off happily.

He sounds awesome.

He sounds incredible.

Children don’t need their dads.

Him moving to the US was a good move.

Date him.

Marry him.

Have children with him.

Does that satisfy you?

Just live your life however you want, you’re not here for peoples opinions, you’re here to push your thoughts. So just do it.

I’m sure no one will judge him or you, because there’s nothing to judge, right? Right?

If she's a deadbeat mum, why has the father left her with care 100% of the time and left the country?

He said he didn’t want children and it sounds as though she did somewhat trick him if she said she didn’t think she could have children.

He’s not going to get custody of his son unless the courts say she’s an unfit mother, and he might not get it anyway with his addiction problems.

So,he has to not live the rest of his life, stays around and has to fight to possibly or not see his son who he might have been somewhat tricked in to having while his ex makes life difficult for him?

Oh, come off it!

He's done absolutely the bare minimum possible.

He's a loser.