I’ve recently started seeing a man in his late 20s and there’s something he told me that’s left me feeling quite conflicted. I’d really appreciate some opinions.
Sorry, this is going to be a long one, but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so people have the full picture.
We both live in the US, although he’s originally from the UK. We’ve only been on one date so far, but it went really well. He’s a little shy, but lovely to talk to, has a good job and seems to have his life together. We have loads in common, similar interests and values, and seem to want the same things in life. I genuinely haven’t met someone I’ve clicked with like this in a while.
However, during our date he told me he has a son back in the UK who he hasn’t seen for six years.
Obviously that caught me off guard, so I asked him about it.
He explained that when his son was conceived, he was in a really bad place. He was severely addicted to alcohol, drinking almost every day and regularly blacking out. His mental health wasn’t good either, and he wasn’t remotely ready to become a dad.
He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t particularly healthy. Apparently she’d often spoken about wanting a baby, including saying she wanted one so she’d never be alone, and had told him she didn’t think she could get pregnant.
He said looking back at that time is difficult, especially because he was drunk so much of the time. But he didn’t accuse her of trapping him or anything like that.
One thing I did respect was that he said he doesn’t believe in speaking badly about someone he once loved, even if things ended badly. He acknowledged that he’d made plenty of mistakes himself.
Anyway, they separated, she eventually got into another relationship and told him she didn’t want their son knowing who his biological father was.
He never went through the courts to try to establish contact, which is probably the part I’m struggling with most.
His explanation was that he was in a terrible place mentally at the time and was frightened of making an already complicated situation worse. He later moved abroad to start a new life, and between getting sober, rebuilding his life and establishing himself in another country, the years went by.
He also worries that suddenly reappearing in his son’s life after so long could potentially cause more harm than good, especially if his mother is against it.
However, he told me he’s been thinking about his son a lot recently and is looking into speaking to a solicitor to understand his options and whether trying to establish contact would be in his son’s best interests.
He does pay child maintenance.
He also told me he writes birthday and Christmas cards and letters to his son, even though he can’t currently give them to him. He keeps them in case his son ever wants to know him in the future.
He also puts money aside in a separate savings account for him.
When he was talking about his son, he became noticeably quieter and seemed genuinely upset about the situation. I didn’t get the impression he was proud of how things had turned out.
He’s now been sober for five years, has a good career and seems to have completely turned his life around.
We also spoke about what we want from life. He said he’d love to get married and have a family one day, but wouldn’t rush into having children. He’d only want to do that in a stable, loving relationship where both people were completely ready and genuinely wanted it.
He made it clear that he doesn’t see his son as a mistake. He just wishes the circumstances had been different and that he’d been in a better place when he became a father.
So this is where I’m torn.
On one hand, I really like him. He seems kind, thoughtful and genuinely lovely to be around. We have so much in common, and I admire the fact that he was upfront about something that obviously doesn’t paint him in the best light.
On the other hand, he has a son he hasn’t seen for six years, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me.
I know people can change, especially after overcoming something as serious as addiction, but I also wonder what this might mean if we eventually got married and had children ourselves.
Would you be willing to look at the person he’s become, or would the lack of contact with his son be too much of a red flag?
Would you continue getting to know him?
I’d really appreciate some honest opinions.