Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Of all the LTB responses I've ever given on here, this one is the one I mean the most. LTB, right now, and tell him form me he is the most vile, immature and waste of skin Ive ever had the misfortune to hear about.

You can't... I believe you, but it isn't that he doesn't... he does not WANT to.

Even if he does believe you, he is still happy to use it to hurt you.

So him believing you is at this point, utterly irrelevant - he wants to hurt you. He is enjoying hurting you.

Each time you wobble about chucking him out and navigating life without him, remind yourself of that - "this many enjoys upsetting, humiliating, belittling, demeaning.. me"

Why would you want your child around someone like that any more than they have to be?

Thank you all for checking in. I’ve been waiting for a quiet moment to update. It’s just more shit unfortunately, I’m not even going to post some of the remarks he’s made as they are so vile. Let’s just say he’s still running with the ‘jokes’ about the subject and trying to have a laugh with me about it. It’s very, very strange.
He approached me this morning wanting to brush things off and asking what the plan was for the day. I asked him if he had anything to say. His response was that he didn’t mean most of the things he said yesterday, and that as I knew him and have known him for so long then I should know that and I should know that he isn’t ‘like that’. I said that he is like that as it was him saying all those things, no one else. He insisted that it’s down to me to realise that I know him better than that. No ‘sorry’ or anything approaching an apology or mention of feeling bad. He’s treating the whole thing like he’s discovered a new ‘in-joke’ and I should be laughing along. It’s just so odd.
I then disengaged and I realised that by calmly pointing out the obvious and not jumping to make any plans with him or wanting to be around him, I’d annoyed him. He waited a while then informed me that actually, he was up all night thinking about my behaviour and had decided that he in fact could never forgive me for ‘cheating’ and never had any intention of doing so but now I’ve forced him to a point of admitting it.
So he’s scrambling basically and wants to be in control. That will work out in my favour if it means he leaves and it’s his decision, I suppose!

Do you have anyone else close to you that knows what is happening? Mum, sibling, friend? I’d also maybe tell your son’s teacher as this will be affecting him also.

The answer to his question was. “Pack”
Don't even try to explain, justify, persuade… He doesn't care. He’s not going to reconsider & apologise.
Do nothing for him
He can move out over the w/e

I’ve seen the posts questioning if maybe he’s cheating. He could be, and hopefully if he is he will be out quicker than I’d thought as he’ll have somewhere to go to. But I highly, highly doubt it. He’s too lazy and dispassionate. Honestly, when he’s not at work he is glued to his spot on the sofa, nodding off or in bed. He has a hobby but it’s male-centred. He isn’t a people person so I don’t know where he’d have struck up a friendship or affair. He is a self-confessed Victor Meldrew type even though he is in his early 40s and always listing off how this person or the other has irritated him or wronged him in some way. Wow…typing all this, I really can’t wait to be shot of this man.

He’s taking our son to stay with his mum for a few days and is talking in terms of not coming home (this was pre-planned and I’ll collect my son). This is shaping up to be a swift break up and I’m playing along with his suggestion this was all his idea as I think it will be easier.

I suppose you could try agreeing with him that the relationship is over and ask him when he'll be out. If he wants to pretend it's his idea fine, no skin off your nose.

I suspect he's just flailing though and has no intention of leaving under his own steam, just trying out a bluff to see if it will change your behaviour. I still worry what he might do once he realises it's not working.

Good plan.

I can't believe he called being raped cheating. And also, it predates him, so even though it's a disgusting thing to say, it's not even relevant to the two of you.

I hope he does stay there, although I'd worry re him trying to keep your son.

His true colours are flying higher than space.

Oh cross posted, brilliant news OP. Make sure he doesn't get back in, get that ring doorbell PPs advised and change the locks as soon as he's out.

I really hope he doesn't start playing nasty with your child but I'd do anything you can to prepare for that too because I'd say it was a strong likelihood he will.

Stay strong @amigoingmadd

You've got this. Your life is going to be massively improved.

I am so pleased he’s leaving. He will definitely hand your ds back though, right? This would be my concern. It sounds like he’s had a bit of a break with reality.

@murasaki My understanding is that it was during the relationship. The first year or 2.

It’s good he’s going away for a bit. Gives you a chance to have some headspace and self care. I would take the opportunity to change the locks as he’s clearly given you the signal that he also thinks the relationship is over (even if that isn’t his real intention) so it’s a completely normal thing for you to do.

Ah ok, I may have missed the timeline. Either way, it's not cheating, it's a horrific crime and his behaviour is appalling towards a person he should care for.

Good luck OP. When I left my abusive H I accepted every insult he threw at me because... well, who cares if he thinks I'm selfish, lazy or frigid? Does his work colleagues or neighbours opinions of me make the ground wobble, or affect my job, or my ability to care for my child? Of course not. It really does not matter. So let him have a tantrum as long as it moves you one more step towards freedom and that beautiful inner peace

He really is the trash taking himself out!

V good.

I knew he would refer to your experience as "cheating" at some point. So fucking predictable aren't they.

Excellent! Please ensure that you change the locks once he has gone.

@amigoingmadd

OMG I can't believe how much shit he's dished out to you since he said what he said! Talk about doubling down!

Wave him and DS off to his mum's calmly. Then get the locks changed.

I do have a question however and I'm sorry to be potentially raising a new worry. But does he have PR? If so, is there any reason to believe that he intends to stay with his mum AND keep your DS? Remember that if both parents have PR then each of them can keep the child and there's nothing the other can do. Hopefully he thinks this has all blown over and you'll be able to get DS with no problem. But if I were you I would check DS's clothing to see if it appears he's packed for more than 'a few days' and/or has packed school uniform and books.

Also, there are probably difficult times ahead and I think you need to tell someone IRL. Someone you trust implicitly to keep your confidence and will give you a strong shoulder to lean on.

Take a deep breath. You can do this.

Ring doorbell and change the locks. He's not going to give in easily.

Do you think there's a chance he'll try to keep your son when he takes him to stay with his mother?

Seconding this.

You will be so much happier alone. Please leave. You have your whole life ahead of you. And when it is eventually age appropriate, tell your child exactly why you ended the relationship. He does not deserve protection from the truth.

It doesn't matter why. He is deplorable, abusive, and disgusting. You need to end this relationship immediately. There is absolutely no coming back from what he has said.

Is this really so shocking though? Someone with that level of misogyny, contempt, and support towards the rapists mentality (saying you enjoyed it etc) must be showing abuse in other ways but you've just gotten used to it over time/minimized it. Get out now. You don't deserve this and you have done nothing wrong.

Edit to add that I see someone mention you have a child. All the more reason to leave. You need to protect him/her and set an example about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

That’s a really good point but I’m sure he won’t try to pull a stunt like that. He’s not really hands on and doesn’t pretend otherwise. He wouldn’t even know where to find clothes for my son to pack, I do it all and when they are together at his mum’s, she is the one doing the caregiving. Even so he will be tired and need time to recuperate after a couple of days ‘solo parenting’ and will be relieved to hand my son is back over to me. He didn’t even put his name on our son’s birth certificate until a couple of years ago as he couldn’t be bothered and only did so because I kept asking him to do the right thing. I’m certain he won’t bother himself to use his parental rights against me as it will put him out.
I’m aware I sound bitter and like I’m badmouthing him but it’s just the truth.

i really don’t think you need to worry about badmouthing him!

Abusive exes often make things difficult with the children not because they suddenly become very invested in fatherhood but because they know it's a very effective way to hurt and punish the mother of their children. And because they were always rubbish dads, they don't care that it also hurts their kids (see yesterday when he verbally abused you in front of your son, which is also abusive to your son).

So I wouldn't write off the possibility just because he's a disinterested useless father. I do hope though that you're correct and he won't have the wherewithal.