Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Apart from all the vile behaviour he's been exhibiting, but also sitting around on the sofa complaining like Victor Meldrew and only in his 40s. The latter would be enough, even though the former behaviour was ample justification to bin.

I wonder about MILs in this situation. Of course they will side with their DC, but surely they would also be on the side of the grandchild and would understand that they'd get better and more consistent care from you than from their feckless offspring.

Having said that. This trip sounds quite sudden, is there any chance he's up to something, using your DC in some way? But if he's too lazy for that as you say, then its a brilliant chance to get the old Ducks in a Row and prepare for self government. Good luck x

You definitely don’t sound like you are badmouthing him at all bit god with every update he sounds more and more like an absolute deadbeat and a bellend.

OP I'd be incredibly wary of him taking your son, that's the worst thing you can let him do.

All he has to do is say he's not returning him to you, and then it's on you to bring the application for a hearing to the court! In the mean time he can apply for God knows what and you're on the back foot.

Thinking of you Op. Does your son have his surname? Not that it matters much but maybe you'd feel better if he had yours?
I appreciate it's not the biggest thing you need to worry about though.

Wishing you strength for the next step in your life.

It's well known that children who have had abusive or emotionally absent parents normalise abusive behaviour in their future relationships. For someone who was adequately loved and nurtured, the red flags are obvious, and they are far less likely to end up trauma bonding with an abusive partner. If awful behaviour was normal in your childhood, it's very much harder to discern that it's abnormal and harmful. You may also have internalised that it's all you deserve.

Of course therapy isn't a one and done. It generally takes time. But it can transform your life, and make it very much less likely that you'll end up in another relationship with an arsehole.

No, you don't. You sound like someone who has a realistic view of their co-parent and was already pretty fed up with being "Do It All Mummy". This latest true nastiness from him I suspect may be the final nail in a coffin that has been one nail short for quite some time!

I'm glad you don't have a real concern about him keeping DS.

You deserve better than this aresehole. Please don’t settle for this.

Bad mouthing him? I’m so glad you can see him for the person he really is. You’re not obliged to cover for him.

I think your plan to let him go on thinking this is his idea is a good one if it’s the easiest way to get rid of him. It would be easy to let your emotions take over but not very useful. I admire your strength and am cheering you on 👏🏻

Women who haven't had abusive or emotionally absent parents also end up with abusive partners - the OP hasn't said anything about such a childhood, so I don't think it's fair to assume that and blame it on her 'bar'. It's also well known that some controlling/abusive men target intelligent, strong, independent women - it's a challenge to break them.

She has acted immediately on this happening, she hasn't been putting up with it for years. She's got shot of this guy within 48 hours of the incident. I think that's indicative of a pretty decent bar.

Sorry what??? He verbally abuses you in bed because it turns him on and he likes to view you as a sex worker. The dynamic is power and control over someone he despises so he can get off on it. Why would you go along with that? Are you Ok? I think you need help, please talk to a professional about this.

Pack up his stuff and change the locks while he is away. Fit a RING doorbell. Take a friend with you. Collect your son and drop off his stuff. Job done.

How are you, this end of the weekend, @amigoingmadd ?

be very careful op. you may not feel he is a threat but all men can turn on a sixpence. dont be slow in contacting the police to help you get him out if you need to. hopefully you can get him out soon. and change the locks.

The police are not going to help me with this. They are not on my side on this one, I’ve dealt with that. They were beyond disgusting when I needed them most. Really fucked my head up. I can hardly ask for their assistance now because my ‘partner’ was nasty to be. They’d be like…ok…? Anyway I’ve dealt with that and drawn a line under it but I will obviously never go to them again.
Thank you for everyone who said they believe me. It’s just not the same in real life. I feel so angry today. I don’t know what to do with all this anger.

I believe you. Take your anger and use it to plan your life without him, make a list somewhere he can't see of all the things, big and small, you need to achieve this. Tick them off one by one. We're rooting for you.

I totally understand your anger OP, and I'm so sorry. The feelings of injustice and rage around this are something that most men will never understand (which itself feeds into the rage!). Have you looked at support groups ie Rape Crisis, if you don't have anyone you can talk to IRL?

What's the situation with your partner, is he at his mum's?

I am not surprised you are angry OP, I am angry on your behalf, so fucking angry. Of course I believe you were raped, and further angry at the misogyny of a man who sees rape as a woman’s fault. It’s mediaeval.

You can talk to Rape Survivor charities / groups at any time.

Because he said what he said, and meant what he said, he is not an emotionally safe place for you to be.

Is he still at his Mum’s?

I want to tell you how some of the things you have laid out, land with me.

A few things stand out:
He is using your disclosure of rape as a weapon in an argument.
He is blaming you for being raped - and does not believe it was rape
He is calling you degrading names ("slag", "sponge").
He is trying to undermine your sense of reality ("it never happened anyway").
He has apparently held these beliefs for years without discussing them honestly.
You say you dreads him coming home.
You have a child who is witnessing this and could cause them deep harm that is not at first obvious

Would you have stayed with him all those years ago if you truly believed that was how he felt? I think not. You do not sound a weak woman, you sound pretty strong, self aware and very resilient - you need to be for all you have to deal with and it is not a small load to bare.

I therefore think given how you significantly mistook his stance on your rape allegations that you need to think deeply about protecting yourself now in case anything escalates. None of this sounds like a healthy disagreement between partners. It sounds like a pattern of coercive and emotionally abusive behaviour. This man may not have physically abused you (yet) but do not minimise how this could escalate.

You need emotional and practical support to deal with this including legal guidance.

Rape Crisis England & Wales
Offers specialist support for survivors of sexual violence. They understand the additional trauma caused when someone is not believed no matter how long ago it happened
Women's Aid
Excellent for both emotional support and practical advice where a partner is controlling, abusive or refusing to leave. They can help you assess risk and explore options.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
0808 2000 247
Available 24 hours a day. You do not need to be experiencing physical violence to contact them. Emotional and coercive abuse counts and the way he treats you falls clearly into this, and your situation is complicated as you have a child together.

Please consider ringing them, no-one should cope with this alone and they can give you practical support that Mumsnetters cannot.

Big hugs

We all believe you x

I’m sorry you feel so unsupported. His behaviour in the past week is definitely abusive, and illegal. Telling a rape victim that it didn’t happen, and if it did they wanted it, is uttterly disgusting. Refusing to leave when told that the relationship is over is also abusive. I do understand that you don’t trust the Police, but maybe you need to think about that a bit. Does he know that’s your view? Is that why he feels he can say whatever he likes, and refuse to leave. How far could he go before you changed your mind? You are entitled to protection from the Police when you are victimised, just as anyone else is.
And I believe you were raped, and I believe you have been emotionally abused by this arse of a man.

It's not surprising you are angry! @amigoingmadd .I believe you btw.
He's shown his true colours and everything since has helped harden your resolve to get rid. You are already on the path moving forward and can see a future without him is waiting for you... step by step, wishing all the very best.

I believe you x

I believe you xx

Believe you too 💐

Re anger:

Boxing at the gym? Axe throwing was popular a while ago…if all else fails his photo on a dart board?? Pins in a doll? Rage filled letter and then burn it?

Vision board a future happy life…?

Any other suggestions PP ??

He knows that the police didn’t conduct an investigation as it was my word against the man who did it. They got back to me within a couple of days and told me his story differed from mine. I asked them about the evidence and one of them looked disgusted and said ‘that’s evidence of sex’ and asked if I’d been trying to have an affair with the man 🤬
He seems to think ‘it would’ve been taken seriously’ if I was telling the truth.