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Original poster

How would you react to these emails?

134 replies

suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 17:35

Have name changed for this post.

Went to a party at the weekend a client of DH. A number of his colleagues were there. I don't know any of them very well but one girl was clearly talking about me and looked away quickly whenever I looked over.

I checked his phone last night. DH works very closely with a very glamorous and beautiful former model. In amongst lots of very normal professional emails there were various email exchanges between them which were not professional. They contain lots of smilies and winks (which is very unDH).

By way of example.

Girl - I feel really tipsy after that drink
DH- have some more
Girl - I really do feel tipsy. someone might take advantage
DH - Come and have another bottle. In here.

Girl - are you hungry yet. I want to go
DH - bit busy don't wait for me
Girl - of course I'm going to wait for you.

DH - Tea
Girl - no thanks
DH - Oh. That was a short conversation
Girl - got any gossip
DH - only that you came in looking very ruffled earlier covered in make up and dodgy stains.
Girl - I must be having an affair.

I am mad. Am I overreacting? To me this is crossing the line and goes beyond normal flirty behaviour.

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 17:52

Ladies- would you be so callous if the OP had not mentioned that her DH had been previously married?

There are so many reasons why marriages break up- and we know absolutely nothing about this man or his ex-wife, except for what the OP has said.

The topic of do you start anything with another person whilst still married has been discussed ad nauseum here, and most MNs say "no" BUT in real life it happens all the time.

I think it would be more helpful to try to help the OP with the current issue than take pleasure in saying "what do you expect" and treating her like some slut.

And, OP,it would be good if you posted back to let us know what is happening now.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 18:42

GND, I have only sympathy for the OP although can't help thinking that she was a little deluded given that she had started as the OW and, even then, his fidelity to her was questionable. Noone deserves to be cheated on, he sounds like an arse.

dittany · 01/07/2008 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 19:24

dittany- tell that to HIM not me! I wasn't excusing his behaviour ( sometimes people don't seem to understand the difference) i was looking as to WHY. He may well be lacking something, and yes of course they should talk, but you are looking at this from purely a) your perspective and b) a woman's perspective.

prettyfly1 · 01/07/2008 19:36

iam about to be flamed to hell but guys there is way too much jusgement going on here. marriages break down for all sorts of reasons and sometimes people fall in love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.sometimes people are compulsive womanisers and sometimes their marriages were bloody awful. sometimes people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons and sometimes they are just cheating selfish gits who will do it to everyone they are with. it doesnt make the women in their lives or them for that matter criminals or give anyone else the right to sit in judgement. it doesnt mean its right - itquite clearly is not right to get involved with someone who made vows or that people dont get hurt. but it happens and its cruel and its a part of life. The truth is that in the same way very few mistresses are man eating predators with miniskirts and red lipstick waiting to take him from the innocent wife is a generalisation and most of the time very far from the reality, so is the suave sophisticated habitual liar looking for his next easy lay. as is the perfect marriage that ends with an affair for no reason. telling a woman in obvious distress ha ha i told you so is very very wrong and very very judgemental. so what. she loves her partner. she isnt a saint and hasnt behaved perfectly - what so she deserves to suffer now so she can "learn her lesson". i wish i was so perfect i could be that straight (read brutal) with people. if you dont like the ops history dont post. its not helpful - it wont change what happened and it certainly wont help the first wife. op i dont know if your partner is having an affair or not. if he is you are going to hurt. a lot. and in your own head you will ask yourself if it isnt karma. but only you can know or suspect the truth.either way i hope you get this resolved and please dont let some of the harsher comments on this thread put you off a wonderful and very beneficial site.

MrsTiddles · 01/07/2008 19:37

I don't think GND is being callous actually. I think people start affairs for reasons, boredom, opportunity, excitment, lots of things, I'm sure. There may well be something lacking in the relationship for the both of them, or they may be in a bit of a rut romantically. He may simply be quite addicted to the thrill of the chase and be a dope not to realise the devastating consequences on others (or not care enough about those consequences). I don't thinkg GND was CRITICISING the op for being not up to scratch as a lover / wife / friend. I think she was just stating the obvious, but not being overly elaborate about what she meant.

But I could be totally wrong.

MrsTiddles · 01/07/2008 19:38

My response to criticism of GND by the wa, not resp to Prettyfly who I agree with. God this thread moves fast!

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 19:59

Mrs Tiddles- you are spot on.

I do wish people would see there is a difference between analysing/observing and condoning!

It is hardly callous to acknowledge there may be shortcomings in his marriage, or that he has needs that can only be met by flirting with other women. That is NOT saying I condone that, but both he and the OP need to work out why he behaves like that- if indeed he does!

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 20:03

prettyfly- I agree with you 100%.

Too many people on here in their ivory towers- or even glass houses- dishing out the same old Daily Mail cliches.

Don't judge unless you yourself are 100% perfect.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 20:04

Perhaps, the shortcomings are all from him??

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 20:06

And perhaps they aren't?

How would we ever know, eh?

JUDGING again?

beaniesteve · 01/07/2008 20:13

Erm, aren't there several women on Mumsnet who have discovered their husband has had an affair but still taken them back? What about their self respect? Do you think every man who has an affair will repeatedly do so?

Also what about the women on here who post about having affairs with other men who are advised not to tell their husbands but to realise their serious error and continue to work at their relationship with their husbands, are they not being unfair to their husbands by not being honest.

I think some of you are being very harsh with all this relationship karma shite. There are plenty of people in unhappy relationships who have a cross-over between one and the other. It's not ideal but it happens and it doesn't mean that person will continually have affairs, infact the devestation and upset that a break up can have will often put a whole llot of things into perspective RE relationships and so I think you're all being rotten to the OP by suggesting she deserves it or that it was inevitable!

prettyfly1 · 01/07/2008 20:15

thanks gnd and mt. as many people know on here my ex was married to someone else. i slept with him once when hammered and got pregnant. i flamed myself harder then anyone else could - took him back three years later then paid for it when he was also unfaithful to me. i know his wife. she isnt very nice but she isnt evil and when she found out it ripped her heart out. i also know myself. i am not always perfect but my god i loved him and would have walked over hot coals to make him happy. when i found out that i too wasnt enough i was utterly devastated and still am. i had already spent three years alone in purgatory raising my child asking for nothing. i didnt deserve the pain any more then his wife did and neither did either of our children. neither does this op. we fall in love. we make mistakes. sometimes we hurt people and sometimes we get hurt. the only thing as women that we have is the relationships we build with each other. so tearing each other apart for differing opinions is foolish and damaging. as is judgement without all the facts. noone but noone deserves to be betrayed and its not up to anyone to say anything else. there but for the grace of god go all of us.

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 20:17

prettyfly- thanks goodness for common sense- hopefully the sanctimonious lot will shut up now.

morningpaper · 01/07/2008 20:17

What Beanie said.

And why can't this man have learnt his lesson the first time? Realised the devastating effects that infidentity can have?

Do you think all men are stupid and unable to learn, not much better than animals? No wonder there is so much terror of 'the other woman' if that's your opinion of men.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 20:21

GND, I wasn't saying that they were but it is an option. Affairs are not always the product of a bad relationship, or something lacking as if the DW or DH could do anything about it. Some people just think the grass is always greener and that says more about them as individuals than anything else.

morningpaper · 01/07/2008 20:22

There are as many reasons for having affairs as there are for any other decision we make in life.

macdoodle · 01/07/2008 20:22

hmm the cynic in me says that all the men learn is that they can get away with it ...

prettyfly1 · 01/07/2008 20:28

mac i wondered where you were. to be fair tho thats your personal experience based on the man you know. not the case in every circumstance. and i say that very respectfully knowing what you have been through and how amazingly you handled it.

beaniesteve · 01/07/2008 21:09

"hmm the cynic in me says that all the men learn is that they can get away with it ... "

and what about ALL the women?

They have affairs too.

Original poster
suspiciouswife · 01/07/2008 21:14

I'm back - though not entirely sure I want to be having just had a catch up on the posts! Having a truly shit day still being upset about things plus having to get up at 4.30 today, dealing with a load of crap at work and then coming home to two boys running rings around their grandparents and being completely hyper and impossible to settle into bed. SO BE NICE!

I'm slightly annoyed that I'm being told it serves me right. And even more annoyed about the comment that I'm with him for money. Not sure where that came from but for the record I earn as much as he does.

I met DH when I was 23. He married too young and for the wrong reasons and it didn't last. It would have fallen apart whether I was there or not. We had a tough time but we got through it. Yes he was a flirt with my secretary and in fact with lots of women but I do believe him that it was just flirting and I do believe that he hadn't had affairs with anyone else. He was only married five minutes so he hardly had time anyway. We've now been together for a long time and I don't think he's done this before.

He accepts that he crossed the line and that this flirting is unacceptable and he truly seems upset that he has hurt me and that I no longer trust him. I think that if I hadn't discovered this then it may well have developed into something. He's clearly getting a lot of attention from her and clearly giving it back. I agree that it indicates that we need to focus more on our relationship. At the moment all attention seems to be on the DSs and that shouldn't be the case.

I love him and am going to give hm the benefit of the doubt. I trust that he will now stop. I could be wrong but if I am then that IS my own fault.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 01/07/2008 21:14

hi prettyfly {waves}
Oh yes I am a cynic and coloured by my personal experience but aren't we all...
Would say though that by far more men have affairs than women ...and more women are left holding the baby than men...but my disdain for those that have affairs is pretty fair and includes both men and women ....

beaniesteve · 01/07/2008 21:16

Good for you SW. You shouldn't in any way think this is some kind of relationship Karma. IF he has an affair then it is his choice and his action, not yours, and you shouldn't be being told that you should somehow accept blame or that you deserve it.

Sounds like you have spoken to your husband and you are satisfied with his answers. I hope it all goes well for you both.

prettyfly1 · 01/07/2008 21:22

hang on in there sw. you do not and never will deserve to be cheated on. i was very much in the same boat as you. for me it didnt work out. for you i hope it does. be careful but absolute best of luck with your relationship from here.

Mac - i hate to do this to you but a recent survey (i will find the link to prove it)on relationships of over 56000 people found that the difference between men and women committing adultery was negligable and that women were actually in the rising bracket for citations for divorce. i do concede that we end up holding the babies but its all pretty much equal these days which is being attributed to the net. not sure if thats true but it certainly was well supported. what it does suggest sadly is that men and women are as bad as each other for this and the reasons given are multitudinous.

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 21:39

I hope it all works out SW.

And just out of curiosity, if more men than women commit adultery, then that woman who is keeping all those men happy must be VERY busy!