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Original poster

How would you react to these emails?

134 replies

suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 17:35

Have name changed for this post.

Went to a party at the weekend a client of DH. A number of his colleagues were there. I don't know any of them very well but one girl was clearly talking about me and looked away quickly whenever I looked over.

I checked his phone last night. DH works very closely with a very glamorous and beautiful former model. In amongst lots of very normal professional emails there were various email exchanges between them which were not professional. They contain lots of smilies and winks (which is very unDH).

By way of example.

Girl - I feel really tipsy after that drink
DH- have some more
Girl - I really do feel tipsy. someone might take advantage
DH - Come and have another bottle. In here.

Girl - are you hungry yet. I want to go
DH - bit busy don't wait for me
Girl - of course I'm going to wait for you.

DH - Tea
Girl - no thanks
DH - Oh. That was a short conversation
Girl - got any gossip
DH - only that you came in looking very ruffled earlier covered in make up and dodgy stains.
Girl - I must be having an affair.

I am mad. Am I overreacting? To me this is crossing the line and goes beyond normal flirty behaviour.

OP posts:
squeaver · 30/06/2008 21:47

Well you know him best, so only you can judge if he's telling the truth or what. FWIW I think your analysis (on the verge) is probably spot-on. Let's hope he gets the reporting lines sorted properly.

Good luck

wannaBe · 30/06/2008 21:50

"He was always very flirty. When I was first seeing him he flirted with my secretary so much that she asked me if she could borrow my best dress for the
christmas party because she thought something was going to happen between them. he always denied he flirted with her. Think he was probably seeing whihc
one of us he could get first!!!". Tbh I think this was inevitable.

Obviously at the time you were seeing each other he was actively looking for an affair, judging by what you've said about him flerting with your secretary.

How many affairs had he had prior to you? Did he leave his wife to be wit you or did she find out and throw him out and your relationship progressed after that?

I don't think it serves you right, but I do think it was inevitable. And I also think it's probably not the first time. sorry.

Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:53

On the positive side he is currently cleaning the house whilst I sit here on mumsnet watching britains next top model

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:54

On the positive side he is currently cleaning the house whilst I sit here on mumsnet watching britains next top model

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 22:02

He's never had an affair before (other than with me years ago). He left his wife for me after months of saying he'd never leave her.

OP posts:
onebatmother · 30/06/2008 22:11

Very sorry you're going through this SW.

Feel I must point out the disconnect between 'he insists there's nothing going on' and 'he's devastated he's destroyed my trust'.

What do you think would have happened had you not discovered the texts? Why was the party girl who works in the same dept as model junior, staring at you?

If I were you, I would be re-evaluating everything. I would be making sure that the house, the money, the pension plan etc was in the names it should be in to protect myself and my children should the shit truly hit the fan.

That means paying for legal advice NOW, not later, when things are already beyond your control.

Sorry to be so brutal.

FWIW I fouund the 'deserving it' comment really, really childish, and pointlessly mean-spirited (since it does not protect the poster from similar, like some powerful MN juju, nor does it change the past.)

I hope things work out for you.

morningpaper · 30/06/2008 22:17

Ermm sorry but there is no relationship 'karma'

Actually I think you did the right thing, discussing it with him.

morningpaper · 30/06/2008 22:18

(the first line was to anyone who thinks you deserve it btw, not to you)

girlnextdoor · 30/06/2008 22:20

Maybe instead of keeping an eye on him you can out more effort into the relationship- get some time away by yourselves, really talk to each other etc etc- and then he won't need to look for attention elsewhere. I am not saying you are at fault, but I do believe that some men wander if they feel ignored or not wanted.

Instead of looking at these emails as a disaster, could you think of them as a warning ,that there may be things you BOTH can do to put some zip back into the relationship.

Desiderata · 30/06/2008 22:37

I wouldn't be you for all the money in the world, OP.

The man's a serial womanizer, and yet you say you'd stay with him anyway.

For what reason? The money?

TheChicken · 01/07/2008 07:46

what? onebatty? diagreeing? never....

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 08:48

chicken and des.- aren't you both making OTT judgements here?

What evidence is there he is a serial whatever? One possible flirtation and of course, everyone has loved pointing out that he left wife no. 1 for the OP.

More relevant is WHY does he need the ego-boost of a flirtation- what is missing from his life? Has he low self-esteem, or just too much testosterone\/ in the case of all affairs/flirtations, it's better to deal with the cause, not the symptoms, surely?

macdoodle · 01/07/2008 09:32

hmm what springs to mind is a lepoard never changes his spots ...sorry in your position I would be mighty suspicious!
He tells you he never had an affair before - what he just fell madly in love with you - or your secertary or whichever one went for him first - sorry the man sounds like a cheat - oh sorry he is a cheat!

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 12:40

macd- don't you think that's a bit harsh? and very judgemental with someone you don't know- isn't everyone allowed one "mistake" ( affair that led to marriage to OP)

The OP is asking for advice- telling her she is married to a cheat is not exactly helping if she wants to save her relationship.

lilyloo · 01/07/2008 12:51

sw i hope he has took on board what you have said enough to stop something 'if' it has started or before it does.
I suppose knowing how he was with you in the beginning means you would know the signs to look out for i guess.
I would have been suspicious too. Maybe see it as a reason to shake your relationship up a bit.
GND i am still in at some of your comments with regards to cheating men 'what is missing in their life'

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 13:50

lilypoo- well why else would he go looking for something else? We behave according to our needs- not saying that is RIGHT bu we do!

I just don't go along with this "all men are horny bastards and all women are" victims or angels" theory.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 13:53

I'd go nuts... but you would be better searching a little deeper. I would think he's having an affair.

macdoodle · 01/07/2008 13:54

So you are saying that men cheat because of something their wives do/or not do - oh puleeese - so its the wives fault now is it - ugghhh

lilyloo · 01/07/2008 13:57

GND i think you have a very simplistic view of relationships

ginnedup · 01/07/2008 14:21

I'm sorry but I think its a case of what goes around comes around.
This topic is full of women who have been cheated on and are going through hell at the hands of OW.
Just because he married you doesn't justify the affair.
So now you suspect he's doing it to you? Maybe now you can appreciate what you both put his ex wife through.

dittany · 01/07/2008 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 16:21

lilypoo- men are simplistic- that's the whole point! They think with their willies- don't you get that ?

girlnextdoor · 01/07/2008 16:23

Dittany- absolutely!!!!- yes, I would take some blame as I would feel he wanted something that I wasn't providing- whether that's sex, flirting, talking about Einstein, or whatever...same as if i had an affair- it would fill a gap.

Veraduckworthshandbag · 01/07/2008 17:10

SW I am sorry you are going through this, but you must have known he was like this, He had a affair with you, he lied to his wife he cheated, he was chatting up someone who worked for you, so he just wanted someone other then his wife by the sounds of it.

I bet he told his wife there was nothing going on with you and him.

I can never work out for the life of me why women who get their men by having affairs with them are so shocked when the men then move on to another affair, affairs are fun no worrys, just the good bits and the sex, day to day is hard bloody work and once the sexy little mistress is wife and mother she is no more fun the the wife he cheated on in the first place and he moves on to find a new playmate.

I think you can either accept that your man in led by the little boy in his pants and just hope he still pays the rent if you turn a blind eye to his sleeping about or you can walk out and get some self respect back.

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 17:23

Sounds like you married a tosser.