Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react to these emails?

134 replies

suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 17:35

Have name changed for this post.

Went to a party at the weekend a client of DH. A number of his colleagues were there. I don't know any of them very well but one girl was clearly talking about me and looked away quickly whenever I looked over.

I checked his phone last night. DH works very closely with a very glamorous and beautiful former model. In amongst lots of very normal professional emails there were various email exchanges between them which were not professional. They contain lots of smilies and winks (which is very unDH).

By way of example.

Girl - I feel really tipsy after that drink
DH- have some more
Girl - I really do feel tipsy. someone might take advantage
DH - Come and have another bottle. In here.

Girl - are you hungry yet. I want to go
DH - bit busy don't wait for me
Girl - of course I'm going to wait for you.

DH - Tea
Girl - no thanks
DH - Oh. That was a short conversation
Girl - got any gossip
DH - only that you came in looking very ruffled earlier covered in make up and dodgy stains.
Girl - I must be having an affair.

I am mad. Am I overreacting? To me this is crossing the line and goes beyond normal flirty behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 18:42

he's back with the DSs so going for a bit

OP posts:
TheChicken · 30/06/2008 18:42

report in later
try and get a look at it

MrsTiddles · 30/06/2008 18:43

Then I think you need to have that conversation as soon as you can.

Its also going to make you a nervous wreck until its sorted or at least, broached.

I really hope it works out for you and the silly office behaviour stops. (Maybe he should get a new, more demanding job?)

CountessDracula · 30/06/2008 18:45

I agree with Cod
very suspicious

If he will lie you must gather evidence

TheChicken · 30/06/2008 18:45

yes and we are expertet 'tectives

CountessDracula · 30/06/2008 18:45

Also you know he is capable of it

CountessDracula · 30/06/2008 18:46

we are at that

prettyfly1 · 30/06/2008 18:47

from someone who was also involved with a married man and very recently got her comeuppance - this is not appropriate. i would confront him with it. you dont need to be agresive but put him on the back foot. ultimately tho you know the signs yourself. what are your instincts telling you.

LittleMissTickles · 30/06/2008 18:51

Oh I really feel for you Suspiciouswife. No advice at all, just wanted to send you some good wishes, and be strong, and FWIW, I think you should try to save this if possible.

MrsTiddles · 30/06/2008 18:52

I agree with prettyfly1. Sneaking about gathering evidence is just mirroring his sneaking around.

Its a hard conversation to have but a necessary one. I think if she's honest with him about how she feels and what they will lose, he has to listen - even if he tries to deny things at first.

CountessDracula · 30/06/2008 18:56

i disagree
if he will deny all and you have no evidence then it will be a protracted boring oh no i didn't oh yes you did convo

ShinyPinkShoes · 30/06/2008 18:59

I'd be snatching his phone and hiding it away at my earliest opportunity so that I could read messages and calling/text history.

I'd also be checking his credit card statements.

He sounds as though he's being deceitful, you know he's capable of it so I think you need to do what you need to do to get the information.

I would rather snoop around than live a lie.

TheChicken · 30/06/2008 19:02

i do sympathise but i need to get this off my chest

it serves you right

sorry

as you were.

girlnextdoor · 30/06/2008 19:13

well, i think it's all harmless- there is not enough there to say it is an affair- SHE sounds like the one who is wanting more. I think it reads like low-level flirting.

I don't believe in snooping- if you think there is a problem talk about it- if you don't, then forget it and don't put ideas into his head.

Why waste energy trying to be a detective?

prettyfly1 · 30/06/2008 19:18

i might be being a bit controversial here but i really really really dont agree with snooping around looking for stuff like this. if you feel the need to do that there is no trust in your relationship and its not just potential infidelity you need to have a chat with him about. no trust = no relationship. sorry guys but if your looking for things your likely to find it and even perfectly innocent remarks look sinister. if she has a good marriage she needs to ask him. what happened to good old fashioned communication? or am i being naieve.

CountessDracula · 30/06/2008 19:23

well the snooping has been done already!

You have the evidence but he can delete it

Have you fweded to yourself?

girlnextdoor · 30/06/2008 19:32

I'm with pretty fly- i think it's a bit childish tbh. In an adult relationship, you TALK if you think there is a problem.

Finding "evidence" and holding on to it etc etc - what's the point? he could put any spin on it he likes- you will never really know, will you?

Did you have a trust issue before this?

Maybe I am on another planet, but I couldn't get into my Dh phone, nor he mine, nor our emails- we have own passwords and that's that- and if I ever was to do anything I didn't want him to find out, I am certain I'd hide it pretty well!

Sorry, but instead of talking to MNs you should be talking to HIM.

TheChicken · 30/06/2008 19:45

oh no i totally agree wiht snooping
otherwsiw you are on ehre saying" but he siad he wasnt wa wa wa"
aND we all say well he WOULD

Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:33

why does it serve me right?

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 30/06/2008 21:36

SW _ I think she's saying, serves you right because it's what you did to get him in the first place.

Anyway, never mind that. Have you talked to him yet?

Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:40

Should probably have snooped more actually since I'm now somewhat on the back foot and can't prove anything.

Have had a discussion. He insists nothing is going on and accepts that the emails were inappropriate. He's not mad at being accused which makes me think they were probably on the verge of something happening. He has said he's just devastated that he's destroyed my trust in him and I've told him that I'll chop off his c**k if he puts it anywhere it shouldn't be.

He's very senior (and she's very junior) and so I've asked him to change the reporting lines and he's agreed.

He has promised he'll never do anything and he's said he understands why I was suspicious and upset.

All I can do really is accept his word and keep a close eye on him I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:40

Should probably have snooped more actually since I'm now somewhat on the back foot and can't prove anything.

Have had a discussion. He insists nothing is going on and accepts that the emails were inappropriate. He's not mad at being accused which makes me think they were probably on the verge of something happening. He has said he's just devastated that he's destroyed my trust in him and I've told him that I'll chop off his c**k if he puts it anywhere it shouldn't be.

He's very senior (and she's very junior) and so I've asked him to change the reporting lines and he's agreed.

He has promised he'll never do anything and he's said he understands why I was suspicious and upset.

All I can do really is accept his word and keep a close eye on him I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:42

Not sure what's happening with the double posts sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
suspiciouswife · 30/06/2008 21:42

Not sure what's happening with the double posts sorry

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 30/06/2008 21:44

It's sad that you will feel the need to keep a close eye on him but I can't think of another course of action right now either.

I hope this works out OK and both of you can get passed it and settle back down to being happy together. It'll take a while for you to relax and for the trust to be rebuilt but hey, if he's worth it, I think you'll find a way

Swipe left for the next trending thread