Best friend knows something about my husband and will not tell me

[TVonyable]

My (supposedly) best friend has dirt on my husband, I’ve seen messages to confirm this, husband said at the time that revealing said dirt “would make me ill”. implored her not to tell me. This all happened at a very stressful time. Two ish years ago. I buried it, it was an awful time. Now it’s all I can think about.

wwyd?

In refusing to tell you because it will make you ill they are disrespecting and infantilising you. Drop them both.

Get rid of them both. If they you knowing nothing whilst knowing something is less cruel then they really don’t have your best interests at heart at all. The ugly truth is always better than a beautiful lie.
‘What you don’t know, can’t harm you’ only if you don’t know. That doesn’t apply here.

Normally the friend is unaware and it’s to avoid exploding her life, here the friend is aware and is desperate to be told.

But the OP hasn't actually told her friend that she knows - so, as far as her friend knows, she is unaware and the friend may be trying to avoid exploding her life.

What did the messages you saw say?

Ask your BF.

And don't necessarily drop her. I've been in a similar position to your BF where I knew something but didn't tell. I really was stuck between a rock and a hard place and made what I thought was the best decision at the time. If your BF knew you were going through a load of shit, she may have decided that it wasn't the time to heap on more shit.

Tell them that you left it then for good reason, it’s a different time now, and it’s time for honesty.
To be fair to your friend, it’s your DH who primarily owes you the honesty as he engaged in the formal lifelong contract with you.

Some sense at last.

OP says she was under immense stress at the time. They obviously disagreed whether it was right to tell you about whatever it was at that time, it could be literally about anything. It doesn't necessarily make either of them 'bad'.

So sorry op xx

I would far rather a friend exploded my life than colluded with a cheating partner.

Wouldn't you?

Can you explain what you mean by 'refusing to tell me'? Have you confronted her? What reason does she give for not telling you?

Have you told your husband that you know?

Well based on him saying it will make you ill i’m going to assume it’s not going to be good news, in all honesty i’d push the ultimatum back on them, for her just say if you don't tell me then our friendship is dead, for him i’d say secrets in marriages don’t work so i want a divorce, unless you fancy telling me what the f**k is going on.

I suspect if your husband and your best friend are keeping it a secret then it involves him doing something with a mutual friend of his and hers. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be her or she wouldn’t even be mentioning it. Good luck and i do hope it’s just something petty but prepare yourself for news you might not want to hear. Big hugs 🤗

Is the "dirt" 100% on your husband?

Could it be that she knows something about a family member or something however given your situation at the time they decided not to tell you.

You need to know what this is.
Could it be something he did before you got together (best case scenario)?
Either way, it could be a lot worse and you need to know so you can decide what to do.

I couldn't have put up with this for two whole years. Your relationships don't sound worth keeping I'm afraid.

based on him saying it will make you ill i’m going to assume it’s not going to be good news

Make her ill. Not make her hate him (or her), or wreck his marriage. It's very vague - especially when it's about the effect it would have on top of extreme existing stress. It could be something that she'd be fine with under other circumstances.

Yes, perhaps he did have an affair, or run up massive gambling debts, or join the FSB.

But it's also possible that he pranged the car and it was going to be quite expensive to fix, lost his wedding ring (under innocent circumstances), had a health scare of his own that turned out to be nothing, got a police caution for stickering lamposts, or thought he'd found Japanese knotweed in the garden (but subsequently realised it was bindweed). There are any number of minor things I'd not tell a partner who was dealing with a literal life and death situation. Some of which I'd mention after things had calmed down, some of which I'd have completely forgotten within a week.

This is distressing for you neither of them love you as they would not torture you like this. Get rid of both you need care love and make future choices based on that.

There'd be no reason not to confess those things 2 years later though.
I can see why you might want to withold them if there's a life or death situation, but 2 years later?

OP's title says "will not tell me" but in her posts, she doesn't seem to have asked the friend what it was, only seen the messages.

I think it's important to know what the messages actually said.

@TVonyable You can't make a decision until you know what he's done.
Previous gambling habit he's managed to crack?
Doing coke on a night out?
Running over a cat on a way home?
Sleeping with another woman?
Downloading abuse material...

Ultimately the woman must not think it's so egregious that she has to tell you herself.
Find out what he's done before you leave him/drop her.

If he won't tell you then I would probably consider leaving, as your trust will have gone and he would be hiding something rather than come clean.

Or, you know - just ask?

first post nails it.

Does it matter what it is? I mean 'dirt' can't mean anything good if it's so bad it's making you ill.

Absolutely agree, surely this is the only solution? If they don't tell you then there's no trust, if they do then you can at least make an information decision

If he'd run over a cat and had to finish it off with a brick on the head it would make me ill but wouldn't be marriage ending.