Best friend knows something about my husband and will not tell me

[TVonyable]

My (supposedly) best friend has dirt on my husband, I’ve seen messages to confirm this, husband said at the time that revealing said dirt “would make me ill”. implored her not to tell me. This all happened at a very stressful time. Two ish years ago. I buried it, it was an awful time. Now it’s all I can think about.

wwyd?

Have you ever spoken to your friend ? Your title makes it sound like she's withholding the information. But your posts suggests she didn't tell you at the time due to the difficult situation you were in.

So they don't know you know they have this secret? I would just tell them both it is time to tell you.

He should be telling you.

It sounds like neither of them have your back, so why have them in your life?

This.

He has done something he clearly believes is likely marriage ending and manipulated her into staying quiet by telling she would be hurting you. He has hurt you.

Sit her down and ask her if she wont tell you tell her you are leaving him anyway and if she wants to keep the friendship she might as well tell you.

Ultimately you know... we know...and he knows....he has clearly done something he believes is unforgivable

Is that really the issue for OP right now? 🙄

Neither your friend or your husband knows that you saw these messages? At the time you didn't confront them, because you were going through a stressful time?

In my mind it's two things...1) your husband and best friend were having an affair 2) your best friend found out/saw your husband with another woman/doing something he shouldn't and threatened to tell you if he didn't stop.

I'm going to guess it's number 2. Whatever it is, your husband did stop and your friend decided it was better not to tell you.

Unfortunately, you know there's something that you're not being told. You know that they are both keeping a secret.

I wouldn't ask them separately. I would confront them together. Less time for either side to make up a plausible story, if both are caught on the hop.

Sorry, but I would be thinking the worse and they have had a sexual relationship. It is cruel not to tell you and I would have to reconsider my relationship with both of them.

I agree you either get the full truth or you leave.

Do you think she is more likely to tell you?

So have you actually asked your friend about what information she has about your H?
She must be on quite intimate terms with him if they message each other.
Do you know about their relationship history?
I wouldn't trust either of them if they are both deliberately keeping secrets from you.
You need to ask them what has gone on and if they won't tell you then she is no friend and he is not to be trusted.

Your title makes it sound like your BF is refusing to tell you, but your posts tell a different story. That you were having a very difficult time, and your BF does not know you know there’s a secret. It seems possible that your friend decided you could not cope with the news on top of everything else, which is accurate by your own account, so decided not to tell you.

If you want to know you need to ask her. It seems from your thread title thar your mind has created a very negative narrative which may or may not be true about your friend.

OP, is it the case that you haven't actually asked them? If so, that is obviously what you should do.

It's not necessarily an affair. Could be all sorts of things.

You won't know until you ask.

Your friend is either trying to protect you, thinks it's old news or is siding with him over you.

You'll drive yourself mad speculating. The only thing you can do is tell them both you know something happened and they need to tell you or you will walk. And follow through with that if needed

Tell them the marriage and friendship is dead now anyway so they might as well tell you. How dare they play mind games like this!!! 😡

I would say to them if they don't tell you you would assume they shagged each other which means you are going to drop both of them.

I would not tolerate my husband keeping secrets with someone from me. Fuck that.

did they have an affair?

They don’t seem to know that they are playing mind games, though. It’s unclear if they know that the OP read the messages and knows that there is a secret.

Friend was trying to protect you as you were in a bad place , I think your anger with your friend is misplaced.

Don't blow things up until you've spoken to them calmly.

Everyone is jumping to worst-case scenarios, and of course it could be that. But if they knew you were going through immense stress they may have kept quiet about something that would have been a last-straw issue if you learnt about it on top of everything else, but actually is quite minor in its own right. For example a work issue that is now resolved and not worth telling you about after the fact.

Prepare yourself in case it is a relationship ending issie, but don't act until you know.

Do you have comprehension issues? It sounds like she accessed it to use it in an emergency

Agree it’s not clear. OP, have you spoken to them both to say you know they’ve both kept from you this ‘dirt’ on your husband and you’d like them to be honest with you.

However, be prepared. If the secret is something your husband felt would make you ill, it’s clearly bad. I can only guess at infidelity or criminality. So, it may mean the end of your marriage. If you have children, you need to consider impact on them: timing, if you’ll manage financially etc.

Of course being MN , the ONLY reason is that the DH has had an affair .

The Best Friend has dirt on the DH
The DH said the truth would make the OP "ill"

He could've embezzled money or been done for fraud . Or a hundred other things that the friend might know about .
He could've got into some kind of arguement with the OPs family .

But no , of course he's a Man .
So: Affair ,

You need to have the conversation. He might just have a secret Nutella habit.

She is no friend and I wouldn’t believe you’d get the truth now! Bin them both. X