I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

😱🫣 some men have no shame!!!

Out of interest, do you make friends with other women at the hobby group, or do you just single out the men?

I think you’re being pretty naive.

Seems like you are overstepping the boundaries if both their partners are concerned. It's a you problem imho. Back off.

Honestly I find some of the responses uncredible. If its your friend, wouldn't you want them to be happy? To do everything to make sure their relationship is happy? Just back right off and dont interfere, you are not more important than his partner.

No, you've done nothing wrong OP.
But as you go through life, it’s not always about being guilty of wrongdoing is it.

It’s about having a bit of self awareness as well.
And you sound blissfully ignorant that the unfortunate trait of jealousy could exist in others. And that jealousy is often irrational but causes real problems.

How do you know for example that the two girl friends don’t each have good reasons to be wary about their partners going to the pub after each hobby session with you ….or about you helping one of them through a marital problem.

Just as you’ve done nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong either with the four of them going for a drink on their own. Why do you care so much?

Think of it this way… your negative feelings of rejection now, could be pretty tame compared to the negative feelings of the two girls, - the feelings which led to this stupid situation in the first place. That’s just life.

Just let it go, and try to stay positive, making new friends in the group or joining a new hobby group.

But do put it down to experience OP. You will be wiser and less nonchalant in the future about developing close (but innocent) friendships with men who have partners.

I thought the same. If you are trying to ‘help him work through’ relationship issues when the issue is you - then you’re over stepping.

Going to a hobby, and being friends with men, is perfectly normal.

However,

"I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it"

Him talking to you about his relationship issues and discussing his partner is the start of an emotional affair, and that is not OK.

And why on earth were you annoyed that 2 couples went out and didn’t invite you?

In many ways, it does sound like the partners have put pressure on the guys to make a choice - and they’ve chosen their partners’ peace of mind over you.
You say you feel excluded- and I can see why- but this is the choice they’ve made and whilst it may feel unfair to you and you may feel disappointed- there’s nothing you can do about it and just need to move on and accept it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having male friends- but it can only work on an ongoing basis if any partners are comfortable with it. You may have no intention whatsoever of going beyond friendship- but you can’t control/fully know what the friends may be thinking/feeling/ saying about you - and if that impacts their long term relationship with a partner, then a ‘friendship’ may not be sustainable.
Much easier to have friends who are single.

Do you have a partner or husband? Perhaps you could all meet up sometime? The other women are for whatever reason a bit insecure in their relationships and so this may help.

You need to retreat - sorry to say it but male/female friendships have different rules from female/female or male/male friendships and you broke those rules when you invited one of them to a related event one to one and certainly getting into discussions about his girlfriend and her insecurities is a complete no no.

If I was you, I would say to these guys that you can see it is causing problems for them with their partners, you absolutely hadn't anticipated that and you don't want that so you'll see them at the hobby and that maybe it's best you don't go for drinks/accept lifts. That way you would still be able to enjoy the hobby. If you double down on it being the wives/girlfriends problem you could find yourself out in the cold. It's been nice while it lasted but I think this good friends arrangement is over - hopefully you can still remain on good terms with them and enjoy your hobby.

On face value I don't think you've done anything wrong here.

You are going for after hobby drinks with two men, who you don't have any romantic or sexual interest in whatsoever. As far as you are concerned, these men are firmly in the friend zone.

The trouble is, you have no idea if these men find you attractive and have a romantic/sexual interest in you!! Unfortunately, men can view friendliness by a woman, in a completely different light!

You only have this particular man's word that not only is his partner jealous of you but so is the other man's. He's also told you that is partner is controlling because she doesn't want him socialising with you. All of those could absolutely be true, but you don't know!

You've admitted that you've 'been a good friend, helping him with the problem' and maybe, just maybe that's exactly what he's looking for....attention from you!

It's possible his partner has picked up vibes from him that he's interested and attracted to you! Men aren't always subtle, when they find a woman attractive, you may not have noticed, simply because you don't view him in that light, but his partner might have noticed!

You haven't done anything wrong here but I do think for your own sake, purely because you don't really know the truth, you should step back. Yes, both women could be jealous, but this drama may have been fabricated or exaggerated because 'Pete' fancies you.

This. Op you have done nothing wrong but you have no idea of how the men feel. They have been confiding in you, giving you lifts. You don't know if they have been 'mentioning' you to their partners or if their partners feel something is off for legitimate reasons.

In my experience, men are quite often only nice to women because they want to have her as a sexual option. Sometimes as a affair, sometimes lining her up for his next relationship after his current one fails.

Not all men, but a significant proportion will be thinking this way, consciously or not.

None of this is your fault but I think you need to keep this in mind. I would need to step back from spending time with them outside the hobby. Don't give up the hobby. It's irritating they have brought this up and made it your problem tbh. They need to discuss it with their partners and leave you out of it.

The very fact that they made this YOUR issue makes me think the above.

The poor dears, what can they do about it!!??

You haven’t done anything wrong, go enjoy your hobby and find your own way home. Step back from this friendship group because it’s too much drama and it tarnishes any enjoyment you have for your hobby when you’re worried how people or wives perceive you. One of these men confiding in you isn’t being friendly, he’s after sympathy that his other half doesn’t understand him script and then making you feel paranoid about the other men.

Agreed, I’m sure he is enjoying having attention from op and winding up the partner.

Also op you went and stuck your oar in about this woman’s relationship, you can’t complain she’s pushing back on it.

It's well known that there are some restrictions on "mates" type relationships between men and women as both may have partners who are prioritised. Just get used to that and tread carefully in future. You are being naive to think otherwise.

Just a perspective from my own relationship that might be helpful as it doesn't necessarily mean that the wives are jealous or that you are doing anything wrong either, perhaps they are having some marriage difficulties and are just being more attentive to you than they are to their wives.

When DH and I met a couple of my closest friends were males and my DH's closest work friend was a female. We were both fine with this and happy to continue with catch ups with friends. Fast forward a number of years and DH was incredibly selfish when the kids were young - very uninvolved and didn't care about the burden he left me with and how I felt. He also tuned me out pretty much every time I spoke to him and we never had time to do anything together. But he would come home and talk a lot about conversations he had with the girls he worked with and was clearly going out to coffee with them regularly. Were they doing anything wrong? Probably not, but I found it disrespectful that he didn't listen to a word I said ever but clearly listened intently to the girls at work. He took them out for coffee but never had any time to do anything with me. I wouldn't be surprised if he portrayed me to the girls as a jealous wife, but that that really wasn't what was going on.

This.

DH does a class with literally him and all women. I go to a hobby that's mostly men and sometimes me and men. How we talk to each other is why there's no jealousy. He knows I adore him and don't fancy anyone else and vice versa.

I suspect the issue could be jealous wives but is more likely (considering the oversharing) to be them saying things that aren't OK. And leveraging them with you and you with them.

I see the youngsters at work falling for 'my wife doesn't understand me' all the time. Plus ca change.

I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it

You're overstepping. He shouldn’t be discussing his relationship with his partner, with you. If I were his partner, I would hate it too.

Why are these men telling you all this? Do you not consider it a breach of trust in their relationships to tell you that their partners are jelous of you? I'd consider that something deeply personal.

With that in mind, do you think maybe there's a reason for the jealousy or mistrust im their relationships, or that maybe they are both testing the waters with you?

I'm not justifying their girlfriends' behaviour (and if they think they can stop a partner who wants to cheat by controlling them, they're extremely naive), but I'd find it odd them telling you this and question their motives.

Really feeling for you @Appalonia and agree it’s ridiculous
It really seems some in society heard a line in a film and built it into a truth it isn’t: in ‘When Harry met Sally’ when he says men and women can never be friends.
Not everything is about sex. No one gets all their social interests met by a single person. Maybe an art historian husband does want to engage in astrophysics chat his wife enjoys. Why can’t she discuss this with someone else, male or female? Men and women can be friends and it doesn’t mean anything apart from enjoying each others company

It's interesting that this has come from the same man. Has his girlfriend actually said this to you and/or the other man who joins you or the wife for that matter of she goes to the pub? Shit stirrer comes to mind.

You've done nothing wrong OP.

I wouldn't care until I did, until I was waiting at home for my partner and he texts last minute to say he is going for a drink after the hobby and I am not invited and then I find out there is another woman there, until I find they are texting about the hobby a lot, until I realise they are going reguarly just them and the women in question, and maybe one other man, until they start talking about the hobby constantly and mentioning this woman a lot, or start avoiding talking about the women, or I find out they ommit that they have gone for a drink with her, until I realise they want to spend their time at the hobby with their new friend and blow me out for hobby related things. Until he gets really annoyed with me and starts to say things about MY hobby taking up time, and gets moody if I speak to other men in my hobby but expects himself to be abe to do what he complains about that I do. I reckon all of these things have happened, because men are like this and their girlfriends have just nipped it in the bud. It's not you, it's the men and probably how they haev been acting. There's nothing you can do, just enjoy your hobby and forget the friendship thing zs you are not going to change things, the other danger is that one of them does break up and then you will have the man turn up at your house declaring they always liked you... this is a very real possibility.

I hear you. After a big move midlife I realised a huge swathe of the human population ( married men) are no longer open as potential friends. I have always had male friends so I’ve found that quite hard. Like you say OP, I do feel penalized because of other people’s feelings or perceptions. I’ve no interest in being a pathetic side piece to a married man, thanks.