I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

I agree with this - it'll be to do with what these guys have said about you. You may not be attracted to them but they probably fancy you.

My ex had loads of female 'friends' and I spent almost 2 decades thinking it was all innocent. Turns out it wasn't!

They aren’t ‘jealous’ of you - it’s that you are overstepping the mark.
Theres at least one line in your op that makes me think you don’t know where the boundaries are; and you’re one of the single/independent women who don’t drive so you strike other women as ‘looking for help’ which is often how men with family commitments end up being busy with another woman who isn’t in their family. Most people have some sort of unspoken and reasonable understanding of this context; but you don’t seem to. These men don’t need you to be a good friend to them… they’re using the word ‘jealous’ to be polite; it’s not really what they mean imo. Just dont put yourself in that position of being that woman; go with a female friend or get the bus/taxi/learn to drive and don’t go for drinks etc where these sorts of roles play out. You’re going to say ‘well I can be friends with a man in 2026’ - yes you can; but if you’re the sort of woman who ‘tries to be a good friend’ and needs saving because you don’t drive / are single / need some help with something and you play that part, you’ll be judged for it by other women.

Yep.

I don’t know about this. DH does a hobby and there has been a bit of cheating going on in the wider club but on the flip side there are plenty of male/female friendships.

DH would often spend a couple of hours of the hobby chatting to his female friends as they do the hobby which doesn’t bother me because I know them all well as I used to do the hobby too.

I think I would be more suss of one on one friendships and get togethers personally which seems to be where you are at.

Honestly I do think you are being a tad inappropriate.

It’s a boundaries issue. It’s the “being a good friend to him” discussing his partners insecurities about her. It’s being upset the partner’s insecurities have “affected our friendship”. Being upset two men & their partners have gone for a drink.

There are so many threads on here from women carrying physical and mental loads, left looking after kids after a day at work, and their DH goes off to a hobby and doesn’t give a shit.
So if a woman going through this finds out their DH is going to the pub with a woman and giving her a lift home, then you can understand why they might be hurt.
Technically, OP is doing nothing ‘wrong’ but there is a lack of sensitivity here.
And stop getting lifts from men. In 2026, it’s really putting yourself in danger. You don’t really know these men.

Really? Id never thought it would be a thing for men, oh well,it is for everyone i suppose. I wouldn't get an inch off the floor. 🤣.

I agree with this.

Some faux naivety going on with OP.

Is the guy saying ' my wife doesn't understand me' trying to find out if you fancy him or are interested in him? Maybe one or both of these women have reason to be suspicious of their partners and the men then blame the women in their lives rather than face the reality of their own words and actions.

At the end of the day these people are married,/committed to each other so let them do what is good for their relationship. Find another way to get to your hobby and step back at your own behest. Keep your distance and tell them you don't want to be seen to interfere in anyone's relationship as you are not remotely interested in anything other than your hobby snd a casual friendship. See if they take that back to their wives. Doubtful.

...

You sound like a pick me girl and love the idea that you are making women jealous. Very tacky.

You see it all the time here women not allowing their husbands female friends, others saying there is no such thing as platonic friendship between sexes, if you have no issue with your husband having female friends you're either called stupid/naive or a "cool girl".
It irritates me because some of my best lifelong friends are men. Never anything other than good friendship. I also think if the shoe was on the other foot and a man was trying to control who his wife socialised with he'd be called controlling, Lundy Bancroft would be rolled out and there would be a chorus of ltb.

IMO if someone is going to cheat they will, no matter how much you control them, and if you don't trust your partner to the extent you don't want them to even go for a drink with a friend in a pub after a hobby, why are you in the relationship?

Not very PC but having seen situations like this pan out it heavily depends on how attractive you are in my humble opinion.

A woman at work who was lovely totally unavailable single and stunning. Had many similar issues to you @Appalonia

I think to be honest this is all a bit of a drama over nothing and it feels a bit like something that would happen in year 10.

I don’t think either of these guys sound very nice, talking to you about their partners and telling you they’re jealous. Sounds like they’re enjoying the drama as well. Would you really want to hang out with them as a foursome? Sounds like a horrible evening to me!

I’d back off - of course you can be friends with men - but I’m not sure about these men.

It’s funny how everyone is saying that the partners shouldn’t be jealous. But then when the partner story comes on here, everyone says the DH should respect her wishes and not see the other female. Love a bit of MN double standards!!
Yes op it’s sad men and women can’t be friends. But you’ll never change the partners view.

As someone who worked as a life drawing model aeons back, I can confirm it’s about as sexy as as a root canal for both the artists and the model.

The hobby is always too outing to share 😂

I’m guessing OP won’t be back!

I commented already but there's never been any straight men in my classes, but there is the occasional gay man.

I'd be so pissed off if a straight man joined but I know my main teacher wouldn't let them anyway.

She never had a straight man ask to join the class but did have men asking for private lessons before and what she said they involved they asked 'and what will you be doing?' Cheeky fuckers seemed to think they could book a private pole show under the guise of a private lesson.

It probably makes sense to just see your friends at the hobby.
They are choosing to keep their wives happy ( regardless of your opinion on it) and a friend wouldn't want to cause issue in someone else's marriage anyway.

Learn to drive so you can take yourself.

I think most people are quite measured about this and they don't really mind their partner having friends of the opposite sex, but many would be uncomfortable with regular lifts home or going out for drinks. People are generally ok with friendships as long as there are boundaries.

If a woman posted on here saying that she had a male friend from her hobby and her partner didn't like her going for drinks with him etc but she then told her male friend about her husbands insecurities and he was pissed off that their friendship was being affected and was a good friend with her and supported her through it then I think most would be asking her what she was playing at and tell her she was being deeply disrespectful to her partner.

Your intentions with these men might be honourable OP but that doesn't mean their intentions with you are.

You're either being very naive or disingenuous if you think otherwise.

The relationships board is always full of women who are running the house, looking after the kids, doing all the grunt work while their husbands are off cycling, running, golfing, gym etc and also keeping time with 'fun' and single women, so can you see why they might be pissed off?

You seem to almost regard yourself as just as important in their lives as their partners and you seem actively pissed off they went out as a foursome and you weren't included.

If anything you come across as the jealous one.

Stop having conversations with these men about their relationships, it's inappropriate, they shouldn't be slagging their wives off to you.

Exactly… how many times have I read “If the friendship is more important to him than the relationship, that tells you all you need to know”.

Granted, there’s more of a grey area if the friendship has existed for many years preceding the relationship, but this sounds like the opposite situation; a new female pal has come along and now expects the friendship to take centre stage.

I think its completely normal that their partners are their priority. Its up to your friends to decide how to deal with this situation - and, tbh, if I were you I'd just back off. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship anyway if you are not invited to spend time together with their partners.

And definitely don't offer relationship advice or help. That would be the worst thing you could do and gives the awful "pick me I'm one of the boys" vibe.

@Appalonia op you haven’t done anything wrong . MN advice women who think their partners are interested in another female to go along with them too when they go out and suss the situation out. sounds like that’s what these women have done. Maybe the men enjoy your company too and chat about how the game was or the pun and you are mentioned . Wife’s feel put out . They have came to the pub and feel even more jealous.
could be you are a lot younger ?

You can hold your head high and know you aren’t leading them on. I’d carry on with your sport and let things take its natural course with the friendships . You just never know the dynamics of their marriages .