I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

I feel for you OP. It's obvious you've done nothing wrong or even unusual but far, far too many people just don't believe men and women can be friends. And far, far too many people - men and women - get very territorial and controlling about their partners. It's pathetic behaviour. If their partner has given them cause for distrust they should leave them. If they're suspicious and jealous because of their own insecurities, I have no sympathy.

I don't really have any helpful advice unfortunately. You can't interfere in a relationship and the only people who can make a choice in this matter are your male friends. (Their choice should be to leave a partner who dares control who they can be friends with - that would be my choice - but it's up to them.)

Whenever I read threads like that I'm so glad that my various social circles have filtered the "men and women can't be friends" crowd out completely. (I also wonder if any of those people even know any LGBT people? A social circle that isn't 100% heterosexual is never going to stand for behaviour like this.)

If you have a history of behaving inappropriately with other people’s partners I’d reflect OP.

I dont' think the OP has done anything wrong. Ive experienced this several times with male friends whom I was not interested in the romantic or sexual sense. I think part of the trouble is that I have always been a very strong, powerful and confident woman and I know many women find me intimidating. Thats their problem, not mine. \even now in my 80s my closest friends are (gay) men so I cant be accused in leading them on. They are simply not interested in me in that way.

Correct, but (some) men will always mask their intentions won’t they, because that’s how they get in your head, which ultimately leads to what they were after in the first place. That’s never going to change realistically is it. Looking at the dating sites these days it’s only going to get worse!

”Done nothing wrong” - apart from allowing a man to bitch about his “controlling” GF and “helping him through it” when they nearly broke up…because of her. And feeling pissed off at the GF as if that is her right. If someone’s GF joined me for a drink because they didn’t trust me or their DP even if they were batshit I’d be out of there. Because who needs that?!

Men & women can be friends when people behave appropriately.

He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

I think that if you're having conversations with either of these men that goes beyond the parameters of your shared hobby, then you are actually creating situations where their wives can justifiably feel threatened. The fact that one of them felt comfortable telling you that he felt controlled and suffocated by his demanding wife and that you didn't shut this conversation down, but instead tried to "help him work through it" indicates that his wife really might have a reason to feel you are a threat to their relationship. And that relationship should trump your friendships with the men. Sorry. It's always going to be difficult being a single woman trying to just be friends with married men.

i think that one jealous partner is one thing but 2 perhaps indicates there is something they are observing that explains this?
Im not sure you can fix it other than asking the women what the issue is .

You've not done anything wrong - the female other halves feel insecure and are taking it out in you.
I've got a couple of male friends - one I've known nearly my whole life and the other I know the wife as well. Both wives have had issues with my friendship with the guys. Nothing has gone on between me and either of them, we are just on the same wavelength!! I just shrug my shoulders and let them get on with it.
My DHs best friend is female - known her for ages and have no issues with her, she's absolutely lovely and a real support to my DH and family!

It isn't really about you. It isn't about how you feel. It is about the men and how they feel about you.

I have always assumed men who want to hang out with me and go for drinks, in more than a casual mixed group kind of way, want to have sex with me. That is because at some point they always have done. It is one of the reasons that men can be easier to socialise with. They aren't so bothered about your conversation skills if they want to sleep with you.

I know that seems quite cynical but it is true enough that I can see why these women are wary of the situation.

The longer I live the more I appreciate other women and their company.

If one of my friends was talking about their controlling partner to me I would absolutely listen, support and help them through it. I would also advise them to actually break up. That goes whether my friend is male or female.

It's her right to be pissed off with whoever she wants, and in this case it sounds like she has good reason. Irrationally jealous people piss me off.

Because men never describe a GF asking for basic respect and boundaries as “controlling”?!

Another poster pointed out that the Op has a history of these types of issues. So maybe the jealousy isn’t so irrational after all.

And I know some women who crave male attention inc from men they aren’t interested in. I assume it’s rooted in insecurity, they seem to need the validation.

It's her right to be pissed off with whoever she wants, and in this case it sounds like she has good reason. Irrationally jealous people piss me off.

She can be pissed off with whomever she likes but I dont understand why she can only apparently do this hobby with these two men and is apparently considering leaving it? presumably, she didnt know these men prior to starting the hobby so why would she need to leave it now just because they dont want to go for drinks with her afterwards?

It doesnt make any sense- are there no other people at this hobby at all? why the dramatic reaction of having to leave the hobby if only these two specific men wont go to the pub with her?

It probably isn't irrational. It doesn't matter if OP's feelings are entirely platonic. It isn't the OP's feelings that these women are worried about.

It’s seems manipulative, as do other points in the initial post.

It’s dramatic “I don’t want to leave the hobby”, so don’t?! Maybe just skip the weekly pub outgoing with the partners of two women who think your behaviour isn’t appropriate.

They stand zero chance of becoming problematic if you don't let them. The only boundaries you can really enforce are your own - if you're determined not to flirt with someone or have an affair with them, then flirting or affairs will not happen.

If a man breaks his wife's relationship boundaries by trying to flirt with you anyway, that's on him.

Demanding that your partner doesn't go to the pub after a hobby with a friend of the opposite sex is way beyond "basic respect and boundaries" and firmly, unambiguously in "controlling" territory for me. That's normal platonic socialising of the sort that literally everyone I know does without a second thought (and without it being the slippery slope to infidelity etc).

It could be the Op feelings. I had long-term partner when I was in my 20s. A girl we’d gone to uni with basically woke up one day and decided she wanted him. So she upped their “friendship”. And he & I had fights about it, and he said she wasn’t interested in him. And after we broke up he admitted he knew damn well the whole time she was interested.

It was so utterly disrespectful, she may as well have said I want him and I think I’d better than you. stand aside. And we’d been together years at this stage. It was so intense it was mental.

Some people are not girls girls. They will do whatever with someone else’s partner to meet their own needs, even if it’s just getting attention or validation.

Depending what the hobby is, hobby groups that are both convenient for you (time, location) and comprise people you get along with aren't exactly ten-a-penny.

I have a few specific interests/hobbies and if I wasn't allowed to socialise with my friends in them, I'd definitely have to consider leaving them.

It’s problematic for me if a partnered man or a man I only have a platonic interest in starts trying to take the friendship further. It’s awkward, usually ruins the friendship and leaves me in a difficult position regarding his partner.

I am not here for that kind of drama, hence the strict boundaries I have in place. They work very well for me, as I am able to enjoy the company of men I like with no fear of any difficulties.

No, my point is- why are these men the only two people in the entire group OP can socialise with? and what happens if they end up leaving the group?

She didnt know them prior to the group so how did she manage then?

With any friend of the opposite sex yes. But if I said to my DH you’d friendship with that particular person makes me uncomfortable I’d expect him to engage with that without being labelled “controlling”. And if I found out her he turned around and bitched about me to that person it would confirm my suspicions about the situation.

There is nothing wrong with life drawing. I recommend you try it. When I was at uni we did used to go for a drink after with both men, women, tutor and model.

Friendships aren't really as simple as "if you can't be friends with X then Y is available". You get on with who you get on with.