I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Mmmm married men used to try this with me when I was single. Trash-talking their wives, seeking my help to ‘get through’ things etc. once I grew up and realised what they were doing my strict rule was you don’t complain about your wife or your marriage to me. Discuss it with her.

I suspect this is all to common, it's nobody's fault necessarily, women are beautiful and men will obviously find them attractive, if we didn't have Feelings, Loyalty and Boundaries (and women with morals) the world would just be a horrible mass orgy.

There’s really a scale of “cross-sex friendships” though, isn’t there? I would certainly say I have friends who are men and/or men I am friendly with, however our friendships are conducted entirely in the presence of their partners, or in the case of my male colleagues, in a professional environment. I do not hang out solo with partnered men or single men who I have no intention of dating, with the exception of gay men.

I find “friendships” that take place outside these pretty reasonable boundaries have a pretty high chance of becoming problematic.

I always feel so sorry for straight people when I see threads like this. Human beings clearly can be platonic friends with other humans that are the sex they are attracted to. Gay and bi people do this all the time. But we live in a weird sexist society that tells us that the opposite sex are only good for shagging. This is total bullshit.

OP - I'd just leave these guys to manage their own relationships and get on with it. Don't let it invade your brain - you're not doing anything wrong.

So extrapolating from what you’re saying is we have to be on guard 100% of the time, with both female and male friends as we can never be sure of sexuality and nature of attraction. Obviously it’s none of my business if my married friend has ever had bi feeling, so you’d want me to maintain careful boundaries and double think it all.
No thank you. A friend is a friend, regardless of gender or sexuality.
This is not a me problem.

What’s the issue with getting lifts with someone.

I car share nearly everyday with a married man.
We take in turns to drive.

We sometimes even stop off for a drink on the way home 🫢
And we meet up as a small group for a night out once a month.

His wife isn’t bothered one bit and she has male friends herself too.

Just leave other people's husbands alone and stop trying to centre yourself in every situation. You don't need to help your hobby friend through his self-proclaimed marriage problems.

Everyone 'centres themselves' in any situation, for heavens' sake! Who else would you be centring?

But neither partner has said their OH can’t have female friendships. They are concerned about the OP’s friendship with their partners specifically. And given the level of emotion she seems to feel towards these men I don’t disagree with them.

Regardless of how you feel about them just being friends etc you have no idea how they feel about you and how they talk about you to their wives and girlfriends. And that may be what's pissing them off. Can you recruit some female friends to the hobby ?

a weird sexist society that tells us women are only good for shagging

I think this is closer to reality.

Hmmm, if these men are just mates and it's completely platonic and no big deal, then I dont understand why their partners cant join you for a drink afterwards? surely the more the merrier and it might be nice for them to get to know you too, OP?

I am not quite sure why this isnt ok- why cant other women join you for a drink?

Thats the only thing that stands out to me - it sounds like you are sociable and enjoy chatting with others so I dont get what the big deal is if they come along too

It's kind of a compliment...you must be a stunner!!!

I'm an old dog...no one bats an eyelid if I spend time with their husband :D

I have several close male friends. We never talk about our romantic relationships any more than "DWs mother's ill and we're having to spend a lot of time with her" , "DW has a new job", "DW broke her wrist". ie we don't go into intimate details.

I love them dearly but there is no "spark of attraction" either way.

Do you mainly have male friends?

I noticed that you said that one of the men told you he had been banned from seeing you and then that he was feeling controlled and suffocated by his partners demands.

I think that you are maybe a bit naïve about male friendships. They do need to be managed a bit differently to female friendships especially once you're past your teens.

He immediately threw his partner under the bus when he was telling you. That is quite telling.
I think a lot of men play their female friends off against their partner rather than just being careful that boundaries aren't crossed and that their romantic partner or spouse doesn't feel insecure or threatened.

I would be concerned that you are being portrayed as a men-focused-woman rather than a 'girls girl'

If they aren't giving their partners much attention or thought, then they will look at who their partner IS giving attention to.
You might well have no interest in these guys, but maybe they're more enchanted with you than you think and it's been noticed.

Why can't she hang out with married men? Are single women not allowed to be friends with married men because the men just can't be trusted to control themselves? How archaic.

Bit that's totally the point isn't it?

She only knows the women have a problem with her because Pete has kindly told her.

Why has he told her, is the question! Its totally a come on.

I think anyone saying women and men are the same , view relationships in the same way and that its sexist to say otherwise is massively underestimating the effect of testosterone.

Low testosterone levels in women cause lack of sex drive, and we only have a fraction of what men have. Its powerful stuff.