I found out my husband visited an escort

[NiftyKhakiPoet]

I found out yesterday that my husband visited an escort earlier this year and I’m completely devastated.
We’ve been together a long time. As far as I knew we were happy.
I found messages on our shared iPad from February. He had contacted a woman through an escort site asking if she was available. She replied with a menu of services, all of which involved some form of sexual “relief”. He booked an hour, later messaged to say he was there, and she sent him instructions for getting into the building.
When I confronted him, he initially completely denied it. He said the messages couldn’t be his, he’d never been there and there must be some sort of mistake. Eventually, after a lot of questioning, he admitted he had gone and had a massage with a happy ending. He says it happened once, he has never done anything like it before and genuinely doesn’t know why he did it.
I asked him to leave yesterday and he went to a hotel last night. His apology was pretty rotten, basically that he was sorry he had disappointed me and let me down!? He asked what he could do, but I honestly feel he should be the one coming up with that, not expecting me to tell him. He hasn't been in touch since.

The other thing I’m really struggling with is how much the whole thing disgusts me. The fact that my husband went onto an escort site, chose someone, arranged to meet her and paid for a sexual service makes me feel physically sick. I can't get the messages or what happened out of my head.
This morning I noticed he had signed his iMessage account out of the shared iPad. I sent him a screenshot of that and he read it but didn’t respond.
I love him, which is what makes this so painful, but at the moment I can’t imagine ever trusting him again and I didn't think he would be capable of this. I also keep wondering if I really believe this was the only time.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay or leave, and if you stayed, were you ever genuinely able to get past it and trust your partner again?

How does the punter know if the prostitute has been trafficked or not? The prossie is hardly going to tell them.

Start your own thread if you want to discuss sex workers — you rancid perv — this is not the time or the place. This is OP’s thread for her situation.

OP, I am sending you lots of hugs.

I have been deeply betrayed in the past by three people. Not the same kind of betrayal as yours, but betrayal nevertheless. All three of them stunned me. I was related to two, married to one, and one was a lifelong friend.

With the benefit of time, I can tell you that each of them did it because of profound character flaws and deep weaknesses. I can see that because I knew them so well. They had what I see as severe deficits in their emotional processing, basically, which meant that they were focused only on what they wanted/needed to do without any regard for the severe, longterm consequences. They lost a LOT due to their choices. Ask yourself if he has these flaws. I knew those three people in my life had flaws, but never did I imagine they would affect how they related to me. I think it's key to understand when someone does something like this, though. People without these kinds of flaws don't suddenly do something awful. They do it because of existing character deficits.

Sadly, OP, you're not the first person to get concussed when crashing into the appalling limitations of a loved one, and you won't be the last. It's very unfortunate that it's going to affect your life so much, but what he did is a direct reflection of him and his flaws and NOTHING to do with you whatsoever.

I'm divorcing a truly awful man, and the sense of freedom and lightness is amazing.

Been deleted anyway. 😂

I saw your message wasn't aimed at me. x

Op, I've been in the same situation as you, albeit we were not married or had children same it was easier for me to end things. If you want to PM me, feel free. Not only did I discover he'd been using prossies via adult work, he'd also been discussing his experiences on punting uk dot com. What an eye opener that was. It's basically a forum where punters discuss their meets. They even share tips on how to avoid getting caught.

People have also asked if I think there is more. Deep down, yes I do, which is shattering. He says this was the only time, but after initially denying what I had actually seen with my own eyes, I don’t think he will ever admit to anything more unless there is evidence in front of him. I know him well enough to know that

Yes. He will minimise all he thinks he can, and it sounds like you have your head screwed on about it. I’d eat my hat if this was the only time. You must be absolutely reeling not just that he’s lied, but also that he’s trying to play this one-line sulk Cold War after purchasing another woman as sex meat. I could not come back from this personally and I appreciate how hard it is when your lives are totally enmeshed.

Those of you using the term 'hooker' and 'prossie' recognise that you are mysoginists, right? Maybe you are men - they are the same derogatory terms used on the UKPunting forum. You all sound quite similar.

True. He's done the classic of any admitting to what you already know. There's more.

Perhaps you should visit her this weekend @NiftyKhakiPoet , take her out for a long lunch and update her what’s going on. You don’t need to go in to the intricate details
but you do need to be honest.

Do you think he has contacted her?

Did you stay with him @Ihateboris ?

No, I did not.

Did you visit your daughter @NiftyKhakiPoet ? How did she take the news? My guess is that she wasn’t exactly floored with shock?

He did this behind you back and likely knowing you would disapprove, hence he didnt tell you .

i wonder where he said he was when he was out getting his happy ending.

well done for sending him to a hotel.
give yourself time and space to sort out what you want in life.

trust is very difficult to rebuild once broken.

Just wanted to offer my support, I am so sorry you are going through this. Given that he lied when you confronted him there's no going back really - you'll simply never trust him. Take your time to grieve what you're losing.

I do find the typical response of not knowing why he did it a bit infuriatingly mad. It wasn't a snap decision like taking a drink someone was offering - so he knows perfectly well that he chose to do it for sexual excitement.

Exactly. Lord these posters coming on to warble on about the joys of prostitution. That's not the point in addition to being incredibly naive. Her husband is clearly a scumbag and needs to go. The health risks he has exposed his family to, the secret spending, the cheating, dire lack of morality. OP will be wondering who the hell she married and is probably still in shock.

There was an uptick in these types of posters around the time that the Sex topic became… active…

"If you listened to the advice here, people would get divorced over their husbands watching porn. Its an echo chamber that has probably ended marriages that didn't need to end.
Its for you to decide if he's genuinely remorseful and if you can forgive him or not."

Divorced over porn?? I'm not saying that doesn't happen, but nothing about that. remark equates with this situation. Porn itself isn't cheating; no contact with anyone. (I'm not talking about Only Fans or cam girls.) It's hardly the same as what her husband did, which was a sexual act with an escort. If it had been porn, his wife wouldn't need an STI test!

You don't consider @NiftyKhakiPoet 's husband paying a sex worker to bring him to orgasm is cheating??? Regardless of who he had his "happy ending" with, he cheated. He broke the vows he made and has barely apologized for it. It's entirely OP's decision, but no one could blame her if she divorced him.

What are the odds he was caught the very first time?

In my eyes, sex can't be bought... criminals are that clever that youd never know if a girl was trafficked or was there by her own will, so why take that chance?.. it could be r*pe and its impossible to know for sure.... If i found out my partner had an affair id be devastated but, not as devastated as if my partner PAID for an orgasm from someone who would never have said "yes" if money wasnt involved... he's basically not risked you for another woman who he has a connection with (even though that would be wrong too) he's risked losing you for an orgasm and nothing else. Id honestly feel sick. Does he have daughters? Would he be ok with someone doing that to his daughter/ sister / mother? I mean, that girl was someones daughter and he didnt care.

Men think "not my daughter/ sister / mother" like they're above everyone else in the world. I don't understand why youd put that kind of energy into the world when you have women you love around you...

Im sending love and well wishes op but, I wouldnt spend my life worrying over a man who risked losing me for a paid orgasm with a girl whos probably much younger than him.... , I'd wish him well and say to him that I hope it was the best orgasm he's ever had because he's lost the women who loves him ❤️ I'd also tell him family or send them the messages so they can see how low he really thinks of women..