I found out my husband visited an escort

[NiftyKhakiPoet]

I found out yesterday that my husband visited an escort earlier this year and I’m completely devastated.
We’ve been together a long time. As far as I knew we were happy.
I found messages on our shared iPad from February. He had contacted a woman through an escort site asking if she was available. She replied with a menu of services, all of which involved some form of sexual “relief”. He booked an hour, later messaged to say he was there, and she sent him instructions for getting into the building.
When I confronted him, he initially completely denied it. He said the messages couldn’t be his, he’d never been there and there must be some sort of mistake. Eventually, after a lot of questioning, he admitted he had gone and had a massage with a happy ending. He says it happened once, he has never done anything like it before and genuinely doesn’t know why he did it.
I asked him to leave yesterday and he went to a hotel last night. His apology was pretty rotten, basically that he was sorry he had disappointed me and let me down!? He asked what he could do, but I honestly feel he should be the one coming up with that, not expecting me to tell him. He hasn't been in touch since.

The other thing I’m really struggling with is how much the whole thing disgusts me. The fact that my husband went onto an escort site, chose someone, arranged to meet her and paid for a sexual service makes me feel physically sick. I can't get the messages or what happened out of my head.
This morning I noticed he had signed his iMessage account out of the shared iPad. I sent him a screenshot of that and he read it but didn’t respond.
I love him, which is what makes this so painful, but at the moment I can’t imagine ever trusting him again and I didn't think he would be capable of this. I also keep wondering if I really believe this was the only time.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay or leave, and if you stayed, were you ever genuinely able to get past it and trust your partner again?

Get STI testing.

Given that your husband tried to lie and doesn't seem remorseful about paying and using a sex worker to cheat on you, the trust is gone and why would you want to get past it?

Sorry OP but I doubt this is the first time he has used a sex worker.
You have found out he is not the man you thought he was.
I don't see how you can get over the the fact he sees women as commodities to be bought or the fact he is willing to lie and deceive you.
Agree with pp : get STI tested. And start thinking about the practicalities of separation and divorce.

Given he’s not sorry, he’s signed out of shared accounts and doesn’t seem to realise there are consequences I wouldn’t have him back.

I’d also get tested. He’s compromised your health. To me that would be unforgivable.

I'd be repulsed to my core that he thinks women are objects to be purchased, and coerced consent is not consent.
He's demonstrably untrustworthy and a misogynist.
See a solicitor see where you stand, knowledge is power.

I'll bet good money that this isn't the first time and it won't be the last. He's lied to you and he isn't remotely sorry (not that that's worth much anyway). He's also compromised your health. You don't love him, you love the man you thought he was. Get an STI test and say goodbye to the scumbag.

The pain you’re in because you love him right now must feel like the most unimaginable pain and grief. In a few weeks when you process his actions that pain will turn to anger and disgust.
I could maybe get over cheating, a kiss at office party level, maybe, but I couldn’t get over trying to buy consent. I’d hate him for that and I’d be done.
Im sorry you’re in this position and he’s fucked up so badly. He really has destroyed your marriage. Also definitely get the STD test. I’m not sure I’d believe it was a happy ending massage and not something that could also impact your sexual health

Isn't it a womans right to decide if she want's to be a sex worker or not.
Shouldn't she have that choice?

No no no. Classic flip. It's not about whether women should have the right to choose. It's whether men should think it's OK to have sex with someone who wouldn't have sex with them if they weren't paid. It's not consent when it's purchased.

Nice try though. We see you.

He has, under duress, admitted to the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with. He is a liar who uses sex workers and is not who you thought he was. I could never forgive this.

I’m really really sorry to hear this, it is genuinely heartbreaking when your partner who you love cheats on you.

Theres many other forums of can we get build our relationship back again etc, id have a look at those. Essentially it’s up you and what you think would make you happiest. But you’ve done nothing wrong and you’re not the one that needs to make it right.

It’s awful. I hope you’re ok - you must feel completely blindsided.
Do you still have sex these days? Sadly it’s unsurprising that he did this if not 😢 Men no longer surprise me.

It could be his first time but you'll never know. Did he check her age? Do you think he had more than a happy ending as seems he went to a lot of hassle just for that, in terms of booking it, travelling to the venue etc.

He’s cheated on you and he thinks you can pay a woman for sex. He thinks that’s okay. He thinks it’s okay to cheat on you with a woman he purchased. You absolutely need to leave him.

I am very sorry for your loss, but you also need an STI test. Most escorts will use condoms or charge additional fees for no condom, and a lot of them are regularly tested - but not all. For your own safety get tested.

I suspect my ex did a lot of this but was a genius at covering up as he had secret phones and used hidden apps.

You'll never trust him again, and nor should you.

It also sounds like he's barely apologised which is telling.

I think there are absolutely hordes of men out there who do this and their partners have no clue.

Really sorry this has happened to you. It's sadly pretty common.

Have you ever met any (non vulnerable) sex workers? I have and they gladly consented.
The whole point is that sex workers are providing a service that people are paying for.

So what if the sex worker wouldn't have sex with you in their private life?

Do you understand consent? Jut because somebody is paying you for sex does not mean that you are not consenting.

Get tested for STI. He's shown you who he really is. He had to think of it, plan it, carry out making appointment, get himself there and he obviously enjoyed it. At no time did he think of his vows to you. Divorce him.

Have you ever met any (non vulnerable) sex workers? I have and they gladly consented.

Gosh

Stop merailing. How do you know the woman in the OP wasn't vulnerable?

Back to the OP. He's a sleazy liar and it's not his first time. He booked quickly. A man who was nervous and never did it before wouldn't be so slick and quick.

I know it's incredibly hard. But you won't ever be truly happy with him.

He's unlikely to have done it prior to this if he was so easily caught out this time. He'd be good at it if it was a regular thing. People on here would love to convince you hes been at it every weekend and you havent noticed. You'd have to be an idiot and i'm sure you're not.

I personally dont think this is worse than an affair and not worth throwing an otherwise happy marriage away if he is remorseful. An escort is a means to an end. It does not involve love or feelings or genuine affection. Thats not saying i wouldn't be heartbroken and furious. I would.

If you listened to the advice here, people would get divorced over their husbands watching porn. Its an echo chamber that has probably ended marriages that didn't need to end.

Its for you to decide if he's genuinely remorseful and if you can forgive him or not.

I’d also think about protecting any money in shared bank accounts. Men who have been caught cheating can get very angry and vindictive pretty quickly when they realise things aren’t going their way.

So sorry this has happened to you. I’m sure it’s a very common thing these days.

Why are you writing all this escort apologist shit on OPs thread?

Have a little compassion.

I assume you're a man because no woman would write this shit.

The whole point is that sex workers are providing a service that people are paying for.

A service that leaves around 68% of prostitued women with PTSD, so let's not pretend it's on a par with working at McDonalds or stacking shelves at Asda.

I'm sorry, OP. There wouldn't be a way back for me. He made several decisions. He went onto a sleazy website. He booked it. He drove there. He went through with it. When you found out, he brazenly lied to you. When eventually forced to admit it, he didn't see it as a big deal, and since you booted him out, he hasn't even been in touch. Its a continual display of disrespect to you and general misogyny. You deserve better. 💐

I am very sorry OP❤. If it's any consolation, I suspect it's very common. It's just so easy. A man can be looking at images of prostitutes at 3am while laying in bed next to his wife.

There are probably countless women out there whose husbands regularly visit escorts. And I'm not talking about miserable, bickering couples, who are only together for the kids. I mean 'happy' couples. "Men's brains are in their d*cks" – never was a truer thing said.

Oh I'm so sorry 😞 what a shock, you must be reeling. I totally understand you feeling sick and disgusted, I would be too and can't imagine wanting him anywhere near you again!

You love him, but he isn't the person you thought he was. Do you love the person who lied, cheated and payed a prostitute for her sexual services? Of course not - but that is who he is.

I don't know if you will have some replies here saying they were able to work through it and forgive. I don't know if it would be possible for me, that unwavering trust is gone and I don't know how you get it back or if you would always be wondering what he's up to and checking. That's not a life you'd want for yourself.

I'm a bit gobsmacked that he's removed the link to your shared ipad, so you can't see his movements going forward! What does that tell you? He's not planning on being transparent in the future is he? 🤨

I can't tell you what you should do. Maybe take some time to really think it over and talk it through with your closest friend. I can only say that you deserve SO much better than this 💐