I found out my husband visited an escort

[NiftyKhakiPoet]

I found out yesterday that my husband visited an escort earlier this year and I’m completely devastated.
We’ve been together a long time. As far as I knew we were happy.
I found messages on our shared iPad from February. He had contacted a woman through an escort site asking if she was available. She replied with a menu of services, all of which involved some form of sexual “relief”. He booked an hour, later messaged to say he was there, and she sent him instructions for getting into the building.
When I confronted him, he initially completely denied it. He said the messages couldn’t be his, he’d never been there and there must be some sort of mistake. Eventually, after a lot of questioning, he admitted he had gone and had a massage with a happy ending. He says it happened once, he has never done anything like it before and genuinely doesn’t know why he did it.
I asked him to leave yesterday and he went to a hotel last night. His apology was pretty rotten, basically that he was sorry he had disappointed me and let me down!? He asked what he could do, but I honestly feel he should be the one coming up with that, not expecting me to tell him. He hasn't been in touch since.

The other thing I’m really struggling with is how much the whole thing disgusts me. The fact that my husband went onto an escort site, chose someone, arranged to meet her and paid for a sexual service makes me feel physically sick. I can't get the messages or what happened out of my head.
This morning I noticed he had signed his iMessage account out of the shared iPad. I sent him a screenshot of that and he read it but didn’t respond.
I love him, which is what makes this so painful, but at the moment I can’t imagine ever trusting him again and I didn't think he would be capable of this. I also keep wondering if I really believe this was the only time.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay or leave, and if you stayed, were you ever genuinely able to get past it and trust your partner again?

Totally agree. It looks like the usual male posters are all over this thread excusing their skanky behaviour.

It's like letting air out of a balloon gradually, one bit at a time, and that is how a fraction of the truth will come out, after the initial flat denial didn't hold. You can love him, and be utterly disgusted and repelled by his behaviour, and unwilling to spend the rest of your life or even another minute by a man who has made it impossible to believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Treat this like a grief, the man you thought you were married to and the relationship you thought you had has disappeared overnight.

A man! A man is here! To explain sex work as a career choice to us in a manly way, praise be! Truly, we are blessed.

OP, please get tested. I echo what others have said: this is not the first time and it will not be the last.

Also: he has shown you who he is. Trust your instincts here.

Whether it's worse or better than an affair is up to the OP.

Personally, someone coldly and dispassionately deciding to use another women's body and paying to do so has no excuse. There's no mitigating it.

Drunk fumble, got carried away, horrified at self affairs... There's a tiny chance of redemption.

And since many porn sites have been found to be horribly exploitative and hosting illegal content, yes men using those sites are scum too.

My friend about 10 years ago discovered her DH was paying for sex, she saw messages on the family iPad that their DDs even had access to. So many messages to women and sex workers. He worked overseas and was even sleeping with the landlady of the flat he was renting.

She tried to take steps to leave but they’d been together 24 years and she hadn’t worked for most of that time (initially she accompanied him with her kids on these overseas moves). He was already controlling with money and she worried about how she would manage financially. He got nasty when he realised she still wanted to separate despite his apologies and worried about how he would behave in a divorce. Naturally he claimed he had a sex addiction

She’s still with him. He still works overseas. I doubt it’s stopped but she’s stopped talking about it. I never would have suspected it before, ugly boring accountant type but he does have money

I’m so sorry. As others have said I doubt it’s the first time

About 80% of men watch porn. That means statistically your father or your husband is said "scum".

Possibly both of them.

Either scenario is more likely than both of them not being your definition of "scum".

OK if the men and apologists want to discuss the ethics of sex work, please start a thread and even link it here so we can join if we want.

STOP posting on poor OP's thread.

He's sorry he disappointed you - so he signed his ipad out of the cloud, ensuring you won't be disappointed by the rest of his arrangements with prostitutes?!

Well, that clarifies how he sees his responsibility to your relationship, doesn't it. I'm very sorry the man you love was a fiction in at least one important regard.

I am absolutely not a man. I'm a 44 year old female. That's why i'm saying that women should have the right to earn a living this way if they so choose and consent. I have met such women in my line of work.
To the OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. The woman has the right to choose this job but it doesn't mean the men have to go to them.

You digressed on to porn and sex workers self esteem. Maybe put your own crusade to one side. Your're not the main character in what the poor OP is going through.

Have you ever met any (non vulnerable) sex workers? I have and they gladly consented

How do you know they weren't vulnerable? How do you know they gladly consented.? Sounds like a story you tell yourself to make buying women's bodies sound less odious.

Research has shown the vast majority of women are in sex work because they are vulnerable - often survivors of child hood sexual abuse, or have addiction habits, or mental health issues. Or they are trafficked or coerced by men in their lives . Or their financial situation means they feel they have no option but to sell themselves.

Amazing that you manage to find that almost mythological person, the Happy Hooker, when you want to buy sex.

I'm a 44 year old female. I'm 4'11 tall and a dress size 6-8. I genuinely couldn't be less manly.

I have forgiven a fair bit of stuff in my time, things that Mumsnet would have been ltb worthy. But I would never forgive a man paying for sex. It's not a drunk one night stand, an affair where there could be feelings, you fancy someone and they fancy you back. All that I understand but it's just against my values to pay like this. Everybody has to have their own moral code and boundaries and that's mine. It's so cold and calculated, the way they compartmentalise too...
Never mind the fact that while I believe some women are independent many aren't. There was a report recently published on the percentage of adverts on Adultwork that showed signs of trafficking and it was really high. There's no way of knowing and the paying man honestly doesn't care. That's the bottom line. They don't give a shit.
I posted this yesterday on another post but these men, the punters, never change. Whenever I read stuff from sex workers points of view they always say this, the men don't stop. They say it'll be the last time then are back the next month.
It's so easy now with websites where you can just browse through women on your phone with your wife in the next room. I think it's very common sadly. The Punting website is a horrible eye opener, it's a culture for these men.
I found out recently that a male friend had been seeing sex workers all through his relationship with his girlfriend, who was both good looking and a good person. It's got nothing to do with the partner there are just men who like this. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one, I couldn't forgive.

Thank you everyone for all the replies. Most have reinforced what I think I already knew.
I am completely blindsided by this. As far as I was concerned I was in a loving, happy and of course normal marriage, which is why I’m finding it so difficult to get my head around.
I told him not to contact me and he hasn’t, but I know his answer to that would be, “You told me not to contact you.” Maybe that’s fair, but to me it also feels like a complete cop out. He knows I’m absolutely devastated and I suppose part of me expected him to fight for us, apologise properly or at least come up with something himself rather than just disappear because I told him to go.
Our lives are incredibly intertwined, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming, but I think my next step needs to be getting some legal advice and understanding where I stand.
Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I really do appreciate it.

Well, i'm heartbroken with that revelation.

Yes to legal advice. And if things are entwined, make sure you protect your 'half' ASAP.

Not 80%. Data from YouGov shows that 62% of men aged 18–39 watch porn regularly, dropping to about 34% for men aged 60 and older.

I know loads of men that don’t watch porn. It’s a conscious decision not to use something that’s addictive, damaging and sleazy. You will say that I’m wrong and they do, but my DC talk very openly about sex with their friends and with me.

OP I would never have sex with DH again if he had been with a prostitute. End of marriage, end of everything. It’s revolting.

I agree, it's a very unpleasant thought. Also I'd be very scared of catching something nasty. I'd rather my DH had a run of the mill affair and I wouldn't be massively impressed with that.

You really need to visit your local GU Med. clinic OP. I had the misfortune of visiting one in my youth and the staff were non judgemental and very professional. It's nothing to worry about x

Ah OP, I apologise for including my comments about sex workers on your thread. I am sorry that you are going through this. Your comment about your husband just leaving and not being in contact resonated with me. Particularly the bit about him not fighting for the relationship, I know how that feels.
Take good care of yourself x

I know his answer to that would be, “You told me not to contact you.”

He's predictably weak OP, you know him very well, and you would be reasonable to expect wholeheartedly a full apology and extended and repeated attempts to repair.

The fact that you know he would blame you for the lack of contact, is so telling. That's just him ducking any responsibility and handing you all the work of dealing with this while he keeps his head down. What an utter disappointment of a man, I'm so sorry.

Sending hugs to you 🫂 it's a lot to get your head around. Good plan to get some legal advice, also get some support in real life - your family, your friends, tell them and let them give you some love and support. Don't shield him in a misguided feeling of shame or embarrassment - you have done nothing wrong and the shame is all his!