I found out my husband visited an escort

[NiftyKhakiPoet]

I found out yesterday that my husband visited an escort earlier this year and I’m completely devastated.
We’ve been together a long time. As far as I knew we were happy.
I found messages on our shared iPad from February. He had contacted a woman through an escort site asking if she was available. She replied with a menu of services, all of which involved some form of sexual “relief”. He booked an hour, later messaged to say he was there, and she sent him instructions for getting into the building.
When I confronted him, he initially completely denied it. He said the messages couldn’t be his, he’d never been there and there must be some sort of mistake. Eventually, after a lot of questioning, he admitted he had gone and had a massage with a happy ending. He says it happened once, he has never done anything like it before and genuinely doesn’t know why he did it.
I asked him to leave yesterday and he went to a hotel last night. His apology was pretty rotten, basically that he was sorry he had disappointed me and let me down!? He asked what he could do, but I honestly feel he should be the one coming up with that, not expecting me to tell him. He hasn't been in touch since.

The other thing I’m really struggling with is how much the whole thing disgusts me. The fact that my husband went onto an escort site, chose someone, arranged to meet her and paid for a sexual service makes me feel physically sick. I can't get the messages or what happened out of my head.
This morning I noticed he had signed his iMessage account out of the shared iPad. I sent him a screenshot of that and he read it but didn’t respond.
I love him, which is what makes this so painful, but at the moment I can’t imagine ever trusting him again and I didn't think he would be capable of this. I also keep wondering if I really believe this was the only time.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay or leave, and if you stayed, were you ever genuinely able to get past it and trust your partner again?

Another thread where @user1464187087 is having to apologise for putting her foot in it

Some men just aren't worth it. Leave him to his skanky sex and move on. Oh, and don't protect his reputation. He is not a nice man.

I think you're entitled to feel angry that he hasn't attempted to contact you and fight for the marriage even if you did tell him not to. It's not as though he was respectful of your boundaries when he was visiting the escort or lying about it - only when it fitted in with his unwillingness to be apologetic, to explain and to try to make amends.
I'm sorry, your head must be absolutely spinning. It's such a huge thing to take in.

Here's a heads up then, no woman would describe herself as female.

Whatever your dress size 🙄

Glady consented? By which you mean they couldn't pay their rent or feed their kid without the money you were handing over and so they were doing it through gritted teeth.

Glady consented as in they had been trafficked and their literal survival was at stake.
Pretending to love it with you, the five before you and the three after you.

Woman do not have sex for money unless they need the money.

Woman who want to have sex can get it really easily and that way we get to pick who it is. Imagine having to have sex with whatever creature booked and turned up. The old, the fat, the smelly, the weirdo. It's a young girls dream. I can assure you she wouldn't touch you with a bargepole if she didn't need the money. She will also be thinking what a complete loser you are all the way through it.

Source - a woman.

What can he do?

1. he stays out of the house until you decide he can move back in
2. He accepts that you are going to remove a reasonable amount of money from the joint accounts because you do not trust him right now
3. he agrees to the temporary financial and custody arrangements you are sending him - make sure these are fair, but realistic for your needs

in the meantime

1. get tested
2. see a solicitor and find out your options
3. do some serious thinking and decide if you want reconciliation with marriage counseling or divorce

I personally don’t think I could get past using someone without true consent and also putting my health at risk. You don’t have to make the same decision though and I’m not living it so who knows what I would actually do. He is out of the house. You have time to think.

The least he can do here is give you all the time you need to figure out your next steps.

I still have the same thought's that sex workers should have the option to do that if they wish and are not vulnerable.
In hindsight, this was not the thread for it and yes I do apologise to people when I am in the wrong.
I don't think it's a bad trait to self reflect and apologise when you should and mean it, which I do.

Have you ever met any (non vulnerable) sex workers? I have and they gladly consented.

In what situations have you been so up close and personal that these sex workers have exclaimed to you that they are “gladly” consenting @user1464187087 ?

I’m hoping that you don’t actually believe it was a massage with a happy ending.
It was absolutely full sex, that’s why he booked and paid for an hour (it’s not cheap, either!). Doubt it is the first time, it never is. Most men who use escorts do it regularly. Unless it’s a strip club on a stag do situation. It’s a huge industry.

Leave him. If not forever, at least for several months while you get your head straight and you figure out what direction you want your life to go in.

I am female, I use the term female because I worked for the police for 25 years and had to include descriptions on incidents. For example 'The alleged offender is an IC1 female, long brown hair, F5'00 tall, medium build, wearing a blue hooded top and black jeans.
As for my dress size, I wasn't bragging, i really need to put weight on.

OP sending you a big hug. I was cheated on and found out as his elderly neighbour let me know in a clever way. I tried to deny it to myself and we limped on a bit longer but the trust was gone. Never could relax around him again. The breakup was painful but necessary for me. This wasn't with a prostitute, just his ex girlfriend which was bad enough.

Honestly you will be fine. Get a dog. They are so loyal and trustworthy.

Every time I read a story about a man drugging his wife or todays lovely story - ex policeman trying to view nudes of a suspect off her phone and trying to watch a video on her phone so he could show his mates. I mean if we can't trust the bloody police (and we know we can't - thank you WC and David Carrick plus I have my very own tale of dating one) then who can we trust.

Take your time and do what is right for you. Sometimes it takes a while to decide on a course of action and that is okay.

Can you clarify @user1464187087 ?

In both my previous job and in my private life.
You don't have to believe me, of course. Ive seen a lot of life, some of it I wish I hadn't.

In your private life you have been close enough multiple times to sex workers for them to exclaim that they are “gladly” consenting

Ok

Yeah virtually nobody uses a prossie just the once while in middle age, in the middle of a supposedly loving long term relationship.

Possibly peer pressure coupled with inebriation and availability could make a one off happen to a younger man, hopefully single, on a stag or something. But even then the vast majority of blokes morally would draw a line at doing this. They either don't at all or they do it habitually.

And he cheated. But in a calculating way. So it can't be an 'excuse' of what could've been an innocent friendship crossed several lines too many.

and genuinely doesn’t know why he did it

Pathetic.

That answer deserved laughter in his face.

He thinks you're stupid to come out with that one OP. He knows exactly why he did it - all the time he spent looking, planning, and attending.

he was sorry he had disappointed me and let me down

There passivity to that sentence that shows that he doesn't want to fully own up or take responsibility for what he's done.

This happened to me and we divorced

He said the same thing to me - that it was the first time and (in my case I found out before he went) that he wasn't sure if he would have gone through with it. It turned out to be nonsense and he had been doing it for three years

I really wouldn't believe that you just happened to catch him on the first time

I got mine to show me his bank statements

He also did this whole thing about 'it not what you think, I'm not having an affair' as if this was better...!

OP. So sorry for what youre going through. It sucks.

The only thing I want to say (and I use the same line in all the cheating posts). Do not believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. He will lie about absolutely everything!

Oh and get tested asap.

Good luck.

You really don't have to believe me, it makes no difference to me if you do or not.
A female I know makes a lot of money out of being a sex worker. A lot more than I make, but then I wouldn't want to do that job.

I am fascinated that your personal life has got you so close up to these sex workers that they have exclaimed to you how gladly they are consenting!!

Righto

If you were a copper you should know much better than peddling this happy hooker bullshit.

Let's be honest here, no prostitute is going to divulge to a relative stranger what deep seated issues lead to them having to prostitute themselves to you?
Even if they aren't trafficked or pimped, there is a huge degree of historic child abuse and domestic abuse that has lead to them doing this.

No woman who isn't completely out of options would opt to sell their body.

Which is one of the reasons consent isn't purchasable.

I don't believe for a split second you're a woman. HTH

Also well done for completely making OPs thread all about you. 🙄

Two huge issues.

what he has done

and his reaction to you finding out.

He either genuinely just does not care and can’t be bothered trying to explain/ defend / beg etc

OR he very much cares and is just totally rabbit in the headlights right now because he knows exactly how bad it all is and what he stands to lose.

In which case, he may well soon come back, grovelling and crying and possibly even threatening to kill himself.

It doesn’t make things any better, I know. It’s still an awful situation. But I guess at the very least you would feel vindicated if he comes back grovelling.

I don’t think I could get past the fact he put your health at risk.

Im sorry. What a horrible man.

OP, hate to say it but what you have seen both in him, his interactions to both you and this escort, and then his actions after, claiming to be sorry that it has impacted you so much, gaaaah that irks me so much as he is zero sorry, and he has definitely used this service before as it came so easily to him interacting with the escort, making the appointment, going and then lying and then minimising, and then saying "I am sorry how you feel about it and I let you down. He would never ever have told you himself what he was getting up to, and he does not care either way. By deleting imessage it is him making sure you never find out again, its also him learning how to cover his tracks going forward, as he has every intention of hiding this, and other things too for you, and he will get better at this the more you find out, all until you say you have had enough.

So you need to stop loving this man as he is clearly not the man you thought he was, and from now on you will really struggle to see him for the man you use to know, after knowing he willingly lied to your face, wasnt going to own up, and now you will always wonder what else is there.

Been there and this feeling is like someone punched you in the gut, its horrid, and believe me when I say how hard it is to see past it. Its impossible.

Gather your ducks in a row and do not rely on him for any truth going forward.

This is probably just the tip of an unpleasant iceberg.

Please get STI testing as a priority.
Then legal advice. 💐