Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

This is absolutely not normal behaviour for a 22 year old. Mine were delightful company at that age and still are. She needs a reality check.

OP, if it makes you feel any better, my DD22 had been moaning non stop that we never do any holidays just the two of us, I said fine I’ll try to have a holiday for just us, have been waiting for her to confirm the date she wants and then just yesterday she informed me where she was going and when I asked about me booking the reply was something like:

“Of course you can tag along if you think you’ll be able to keep up but I’ll be mostly doing things I enjoy and visiting friends”. She couldn’t possibly have been less interested in me joining in.

All of this after all that drama that we never go anywhere by ourselves and me telling DP I’d go on holiday just with her.

If the disappointment of not being able to drive has derailed her to the extent that she is ruining the whole holiday for both of you then she really does need to work on her resilience and respect for others. This is such a small thing in the great scheme of what life will serve up to her. She’s acting like a toddler.

Stop pandering. Hope you manage to have a great time with or without her for the rest of the trip.

Nope

OP your DD may be very unhappy. Doesn't excuse her behaviour but it's possibly due to feeling socially isolated from her peers and doesn't know what to do about it?

Here she is to her mind in an unsatisfying situation with her Mum, you are familiar and safe; she can act up, and is at the age when she needs independence but can't get it. Not your fault you are incredibly generous, but they don't appreciate that.

I hope you get through it OK, my DS has done the same on holiday before. He was about 17 but after a week of sullen moodiness we didn't take him again. He just finds fault. Now he's 24 he's been travelling on his own & on adventure trips, much better for him and us.

@Holidaymiserymum the advice here to not let her off the hook for this I agree with very much.

id calmly tell her that her moods and behaviour utterly ruined the trip and that you won’t ever be repeating it.

id have been tempted to take her back to the airport and send her back home tbh, but you’re home tomorrow anyway, so too late for that.

be clear to EVERYONE who asked about your holiday that it was an utter nightmare and that you won’t be doing it again.

even if there are SN at play here, it serves no purpose to paper over the fact that she’s appalling company. She needs to know that something needs to change and that’s for her to understand and process

just because you’re autistic or whatever you can learn about coping better. It takes a lot of work, but it’s essential for her to be able to navigate the rest of her life.

have a good trip back 😊

I agree with this observation. You are blaming her for the way you are responding to her, as well as for her choice to behave badly towards you. They are two different things.

Why did she invite you on holiday just to be annoyed by your presence? The way she communicates with you is shocking and so rude

And you, @DierdreDaphne and @ReadingTime, are blaming the victim.

It is very normal to feel uncomfortable when in close confinement with someone who is sulking and ignoring you. Especially when you love them and want them to have a good time. And even more so where there’s not that much to do as a singleton.

I do hate this aspect of Mumsnet: the attempts to convert superiority by saying that OP should “just” do something which is actually very difficult. It’s smug and unsympathetic.

I was thinking this. I was not like this at 22. I lived out of home and didn’t not act alike a grumpy teenagers I work with a similar age group again this does not sound ike those or my relatives of similar age. It’s no wonder she had no one to go with if she is this rude to other people.

Come on .... Read closely going to bed at 7pm. Aged 22 then woke up late ??... then people say leave her let her make her own way home am I missing something maybe I am . Tbh there isn't enough information about her to decide but if this is lately something isn't right.

I got a lot of this from my daughters (20, 23) on the holiday this year, found the whole thing thoroughly miserable, and made a mental note never to do it again.

To be fair, it was the 23 year old. Everything I did was "cringe". I get on her nerves. It cost ME a fortune, since i was picking up the bill, but everything was wrong. Sulking, criticising, belittling, laughing at me. Everything I did became an instart source of amusement with sniggering and private jokes between them.

At first I was hurt beyond words, then I detached, finally I'd had enough and got angry. At this point dh and dd2 got involved and started saying we were as bad as each other. But I'd had enough of the bitching and bullying and was standing up for myself.

Now we're back our relationship is permanently altered. I've lost trust. Im tempted to stay away as much as possible because its so hurtful. It feels like she's doing it to get a reaction or to be powerful over me. It is bullying at its heart, because she knows I care about her more than she cares, or something. Then she'll feel guilty and be nice again.

If I were you, I'd definitely make arrangements for her to go home, while you either carry on if you can be bothered, maybe asking someone else to join.

You're paying, dont put up with it. 😘

This, it’s so offensive to those with autism. every time someone mentions difficulties with someone who is rude, abusive, controlling, demanding you get the “awww sounds like autisim and/or pda, what you need to do is let them make all the decisions, don’t ask or expect anything of them, and make sure everyone else know they’re in charge”..

Has she always been like this? Is she depressed? She seems very tired for a 22 year old. Does she have work stress? Could she have bad PMS. Have you had a decent relationship in the past? If the answer is no to all these questions she’s just a difficult person. Just get through the holiday and don’t go away with her again.

Often that is different if you’re not an EU citizen

Might your daughter be out of routine and disregulated? The lacking communication skills and bed rotting may also be markers of neurodivergence

As a lovely update I asked DD what time she would be ready in the morning she said 9.30. So I left her alone and didn’t nag.

She was ready at 9.30 then we travelled around all day, no one fell out, we had a great time and lots of sightseeing and then got some food and came home and hung out together. All in all a great day. Hopefully things are more sorted now, we did talk and try to accept our differences.

OP, you have done your best.
Get home in one piece and never do this again.
Also answer her frankly when she next complains why she has no one to go on holiday with.
Lying to her is not doing her any favours.
Her behaviour is very poor and no one would want to be around that more than once.

That's lovely. Brava to both of you

It’s a great update, long may it continue. Good luck.

Is it worth saying “ this isn’t working how about meeting up in the evening for dinner and doing our own thing in the day”
If she thinks your embarrassing try having her being rude all the time in front of people. It is now obvious why she had to come home from her trip with friends and her lack of travel buddies this year.

I am glad you’ve had a good day OP

I'm so glad that something's come together and you've connected again.

Great update. Well done!

Do your own thing and resolve to never go away with her again.