Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

Ask her what’s wrong ? She seems very upset at something

Hugs not words in that case

Sounds very much like PDA, she's trying to be the one in control. Not excusing her behaviour at all though.

This all sounds so like dsis. As I’ve posted upthread, dm prostrated herself to try to please her. If things were going her way, dsis was good company. Slight spanner in the works and she would behave exactly like the dd in this thread. It never improved and she always used dm as a punch bag.

As much as she’s being a night mare I’m not sure you’re helping, it feels passive aggressive.

you were going to cook, why didn’t you , and just shout up dinner is ready. What about if you’ve plans, just say I’m going at x time to x, smile and say if you’re wishing to go be ready for x time.

instead you’re badgering her,when you know it irritates her to tell you her plans. Just be the grown up,

She’s had several failed travelling trips with friends before.
So having a similar trip with her mum was never going to work.
My guess is that deep down, she knows she is at fault and that really hurts her.
She hasn’t figured out yet, where she is going wrong, but in the meantime, she is punishing you for all the bad feelings she has about herself, always blaming you and making you suffer -just as she is suffering.

It’s a toxic situation, heightened because you both feel trapped. She feels trapped because she can’t drive and act independently, you feel trapped out of loyalty not to abandon her. So it all spirals down in never ending circles.

Rather than hanging around waiting for her, only to then have a go at her, you should be much more decisive.

Make plans to do your own thing as if on a solo holiday and then invite her to join you giving times. Don’t wait for her, don’t push her to join, don’t insist she talks, don’t expect her to be good company, walk away the moment she is rude to you.
Accept that she is going through stuff that you, as her mum, can’t help her with.
She needs therapy when she gets home.

She isn’t a communicator so don’t expect her to say in advance what she wants to do, when she wants to eat/ sleep/chat.
You have to be prepared to go it alone every single time.
She has messed you around enough.
Don’t let that continue as it’s not good for either of you.

As you are returning home at the weekend, make the very firm committed decision now, whether to say…..
Either …….I have decided to return home early, leaving tomorrow at 9am prompt as this continues to be intolerable for me, you can come with me or make your own way home…as you wish. If you decide to come with me, be at the car at 9am otherwise I will take it that you prefer to make your own way home. I won’t wait past 9am. It’s up to you.

Or……. For the last day tomorrow I will be leaving to do the planned activity at 9am sharp with or without you, so please either join me at that time at the car or stay here to do your own thing. I won’t wait past 9am. It’s up to you.

It’s been a miserable holiday for you both. A real failure on all fronts, it seems.
The onus is on you to remove yourself from her bad behaviour and salvage what you can -or go home early.

Like some other posters, I’m also tired of any crap behaviour being queried as Autism or ‘PDA’ or MH problems. 🙄 Some people are just rude and immature. An entirely beige, shit diet can’t be helping with her demeanour either. I would suggest that your DD has been allowed to persist with this kind of behaviour and is only reasonable if she is getting her own way.

Did she ever leave home and go to university at all? It really does sound like it’s time for her to leave the confines of her bedroom and go to live in the real world and develop some social skills.

I could be like this with my parents (and still am occasionally if they catch me on a bad day, sorry mum and dad!). It was a result of me being very lonely and depressed. Social media doesn't help, seeing people having fun with friends their own age and feeling like they are missing out.

I'm sorry she's ruined your trip for you, it sounds really difficult. I hope there's been some glimpses of enjoyment for you even on the bad days.

Sounds an awful holiday, and I would refer to it as such from now on. Don't say wasn't it great, remember ? Wince and say oooh nightmare, don't let you or her kid on it was ok.
Your upset and everything goes to extreme ends of the scale either going out stressed and arguing or sitting for hours alone. You could message her I'm leaving 9.30 to head off on that trip, she can answer or not. Car leaves bang on 9.30 and enjoy your day, if she moans on messages, ignore and respond whenever your finished. She's spirling and your too blame, that's for her to work out, not you. Have fun if you can, yes it's not your choice to do it alone, but better sitting alone on couch hearing a 22 year old cry in bed!!
Whenever your coming home, message that cases need to be in car night before, and leaving bang on 10am, if she's not ready, leave.
I know you won't, cause of all the reasons, but if you have shown her, you are leaving and not hanging about the days leading up to it, she can't say it's came out the blue. I probably would leave but not go far. If they are freaking out, drop them at train, bus station as a kind gesture. Your the villain here in her eyes, everything your doing is fodder for that thought process,. Step outside of that grim bubble she's created around you and enjoy as much as you can. Also, tell everyone once your home, never again, so you don't forget!

Today, just tell her what you are doing and when and that if she wants to do the activity she needs to be ready to go on time.
Then for dinner tell
her what you are making and when it’s ready. If she doesn’t join you carry on without her.

Are you in Tuscany OP? I’m getting those vibes

Does she realise that you have to be 25 to get a rental car from almost every company whether or not you’ve driven for 2 or more years?

She wouldn’t be able to drive either way

Tbh it’s sounding like you’re just not compatible holiday companions. You seem to be expecting her to act exactly how you want her to (not “allowing” the burger / pizza, expecting her to talk to you and sit with you exactly when you want her to, rather than appreciating her wish for more space), and she seems to be quite immature and acting out due to that.

She's upset she can't drive the car.

But he's known about this for how long?

Well it's not as if this would have been her only chance is it?

She needs to save & organise it for herself at some point in the future.

She seems determined to be unhappy/awkward.

We did go out in the city before, but she wanted a burger/pizza. so we could go eat cheapy fast food here, but I would rather not, I can make something healthier indoors.

Would it have mattered for once?

Couldn't she have had it if you really didn't want to?

The people excusing her… we’ve surely all been irritated with our parents at some point and indeed holiday companions. But you can inwardly seethe, think Never Again or even have a bit of a barney if things all get too much.

But the dynamic here seems to be the dd being in a foul mood, punishing the OP, and the OP not just taking it on the chin but beseeching her dd to come round, join in etc. This must be an old pattern, as the dd seems to not care about the OP’s feelings and the OP has firmly positioned herself as Doormat.

You seem to have reverted to mother and child roles. If I'm out or away with autistic dd 23 then we are just two women and as such we decide between the two of us where we go, what we do and what we will eat. If she wanted pizza or a burger and I didn't I'd just fix something for myself I wouldn't comment on what she wanted. If she wanted to do something different to me then that would be ok too. We aim for give and take on both sides but I recognise she might need a bit of space at times too.
It's a weird dynamic you have going on she's rude and petulant but you don't pull her up on it (until forced) or insist she alters her behaviour but then you sit about waiting for her instead of getting on with your day. You don't allow her agency over her own food choices but then complain that she behaves like a young teen. Undoubtedly she is being a brat but she is getting mixed messages from you as well.

That's not the case - it does vary by hire company and country but you can definitely hire at 22.

www.europcar.com/en-us/faq?question=are-there-any-age-restrictions-when-renting-a-vehicle

It sounds like you have a very tight budget, but at the same time haven’t chosen destinations where there are lots of free things to do/where you can wander around until late without having to spend a lot of money. Your DD has friends with money and presumably she is used to them spending what they like on whatever they like. So there’s probably some resentment there but you have made an effort to take her on holiday and she is reacting in a childish way.

Ah sorry I just saw that ‘none of her friends have money’

Sorry that link doesn't seem to be working

I think best you can do is to get through this time with her and then never book a trip with her again until she has grown up matured as a reasonable adult. To me she sounds like a sulky teenager and her behaviour is completely unacceptable at her age, although not unusual. I do think there is a weird pressure and expectation for holidays to be a picture perfect Instagram post and then the reality becomes more difficult to enjoy.

Yes.. this part particularly stands out.
We had this with ours... they were two months short of meeting the two year driving requirements. That was that. The car hire and insurance had a requirement and they didn't meet it. They didn't blame me for this for the entire holiday. They just accepted it and were glad we had a car and someone was allowed to drive.
And blaming you is ridiculous. If she wanted to get her test earlier, she could have made it happen - its her responsibility and she needs to own it, but also to get over it.

Her behaviour is obnoxious.. but in one instance, I think you could have given way.. she wanted to eat burgers and pizzas in the city.. but you refused because you wanted to cook at home. That would explain the resentment and sulking in the supermarket.

If you wanted to improve the mood, why not just let her eat what she wanted? It sounds like neither of you are having the planned home cooked meals.

Only a few days left so I think its a good plan to just proceed with the activities and breath a sigh of relief when you get home.

She sounds autistic or AuDHD.
Is there any history of either of those in your family?

I went on a long weekend break with a friend about 4 years ago, not realising that she is neurodivergent. I soon found out.

She has moods like a rollercoaster.
I'd never seen her so disregulated before that. It was shocking.

It started at the train station.
I could see the downward mood shift on her face in the restaurant before we even took the train.
Then she had a paddy trying to find the carriage on the train. We were already on the train - what's the big panic?
Mood like a rollercoaster for the whole 4 hour train journey.
Never seen anything like it.

She got in a mood over her hotel room.
Up half the night in her room doing god knows what - adhd and autism insomnia probably.
Super late for breakfast the first morning. Like 20 minutes before closing. I waited on her for the first morning and then sat there like a twat while she luxuriated over her necessary 3 coffees.
The next day, I didn't wait on her to materialise for her breakfast and headed off to do my own thing.

She had a strop when she took us on a wild goose chase and couldn't find some landmark that she wanted to see.
Then she pulled the absolute classic neurodivergent woman on holiday move; "I want to back to the hotel and go to bed." At 2 pm. Off she went.

Acted like a twat for a lot of the weekend.
Acted like a twat on the journey home and got highly disregulated over a fly in the car.

Recently, she asked where I'm going for my next holiday.
It's Osaka.
Then she says; "Oh, I've never been there". It was clear that she was angling for an invite.
Never again.
She's been to Tokyo before and she said she didn't like it so why on earth would I have her tag along with me in Osaka?
She can jog on for herself and go organise her own holiday.

And go get a formal diagnosis while she's at it.

You're a saint for putting up shit like that from that piece of work.

Op very kindly, you are enabling this behaviour, stop asking, stop texting her,get up and go out, do your own thing op, she's running circles around you,
When she text you, just say ' popped out of a coffee ' thats it,